Oh boy, here we go. (tw)

N sure where to really start, but I could summarize a lot of my trauma by saying that people who promised to be there for me were in fact, not there, in a way that was helpful.

Growing up in my family was stressful. As a child, there was always something dramatic occurring with our family and it was always including fighting (verbal and physical) and tension and weird weird interactions and just, the whole thing was always weird and uncomfortable. My mom was mentally unstable long before I was born and I can hardly recall her actually being a mother for me, she often ignored me or was angry at something I did and therefore yelling and threatening me with something, it was always different and always outrageous but to a small child, it's goddamn terrifying. Anyway, I remember being passed around to different family members and growing up with various parents basically. I was much closer to my dad and liked being with him more but he was always working and hardly around. Later on, our relationship was strained because he started being physically abusive and was never in a pleasant mood which made me incredibly scared of him. All in all, growing up was a nightmare but I didn't know it was a nightmare because there were also plenty of sweet moments and it wasn't all bad. It wasn't a frequent occurrence of terrible things, but when it was bad, it was really bad.

I have more to say, so I guess I'll continue...?