Repressed Childhood Abuse... Trigger warning ahead.

I had symptoms all my life. Couldn't stand to be touched. Knew what a blow job was at six years old. Had bladder infections constantly. Started gaining weight. Etc.

At eighteen years old, I discovered that I'd been checked for molestation at age five. Because my father thought a predator was active in the family, again.

He'd raped and molested family members. I was assured it hadn't included me. That dad hadn't known until I was five. The man I'd known as Papa had apologized for it. Victims forgave him & it "ended."

I started having nightmares. I remembered a game in one. The "spider game". Where the spider, or rather wiggling hand, would find a place to hide. Typically in the pants. I had a panic attack during a discussion about sexual abuse in my psych class.

I told myself it was my imagination. Why wouldn't I have remembered this? I was just reacting to the news. I started drinking heavily to repress the anxiety over the not "knowing." To hide the shudder whenever anyone would touch me.

Then, another memory came forward. I'd been forced to live with him in my teens. I'd had what I thought to be a paranormal experience. I woke up to someone at the end of my bed. I saw a shadowed figure. I'd told myself if was a ghost at the time, or a dream. It was shaped just like him.

At twenty two, I got drunk & had a breakdown with a victim. Asked if she knew. She said I matched her. She was sorry that she hadn't protected me. Still can't remember most of it...