Saying Goodbye at the "wrong" time
I would really appreciate another perspective on this. I'm dealing with a lot right now and would like to get some kind of validation or maybe some insight as to what in the h*** just happened to me. In all honesty, I feel really gross- like my entire being was assaulted with some kind of petulance. Yes, I'm probably being dramatic. lol But I feel this sickness in the pit of my stomach from afterward and a bit panicky.
Here's what happened.
A little context before I start... I'm in the process of getting to a point where I can divorce and move out on my own(my family/friends were abusive so no outside support) after years of mind games and therapy to help me learn about what's going on, I finally am coming into the belief that I am worthy of being treated like a human and having a human life. SO is mentally unhealthy and unwilling to change or see any problems with anything regarding himself or his other connections(like toxic family). Psych stated that he has narcissistic tendencies.
The incident was this. The next day SO had a business trip and we were on our way home late at night. Not knowing when I was going to bed since I wasn't feeling well, I told him goodbye if I don't see him in the morning since he was probably gonna be gone before I awoke. Then somehow this turned into an argument where I was then berated and he was freaking out telling me that that's not how you say goodbye and that's not the proper time and all this sh*t. He went on and on, ranting and raving about it. Then after I was getting to a point of saying I was simply not gonna wish him well or say goodbye to him, he accused me of being "vindictive" after he was freaking out and verbally attacking me. And yeah, it's certainly not him who has the problem. *sarcastic/facepalm*
So...uh... what I'm wondering is what kind of tactic was being used on me? Was this some kind of lashing out for control? Your usual neighborhood gaslighting? I certainly know it wasn't healthy behavior or something someone mentally stable would choose to do. Just trying to wrap my head around this crazy making so I can understand how to cope more as I get farther along in my power and finally get to the point where I work and divorce him. I find that if I talk about it like this I don't disassociate as much and while traumatizing, it doesn't wound me as much if I were to keep it hidden away while I panicked, isolated.
Also, thank you for the opportunity to put this out here and for anyone that took the time to read this. Additionally, I'm in the market for a long-term support as I continue on this path towards getting through college, divorce, and freedom. So if anyone is interested in taking me on, I'd appreciate it and put in the work.
@CaloenasNicobarica I could not say for sure since I wasn't there, but I'd go with your instincts. You're doing something the SO can't control, has no say over and isn't done in the way the SO would like (it's not like you really could...). So here's the lashing out and probably an attempt to make you say sorry or somehow turn this around on you.
I'm sorry you're going through that. But there is never the "right" time to say goodbye, unless SO decides you're no longer useful or something along those lines. I'm glad you're getting out now. Good luck.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
Hi ReadBooksDrinkTea, love your username! It sounds like a pleasant afternoon. <3
I'm still getting out of second guessing myself constantly. I think you're right, though! In therapy and with life in general lately, I've been growing and changing quite a bit. Therapists have warned me about a "pushback" when I was making progress. Seems like this was one of those, even if it was creepier than some of the other ones I've dealt with. And yeah, totally felt like the usual set up for them playing victim/me apologizing for being "evil" type thing.
Thank you for replying and your validation(also the luck). A lot of wisdom in your words, RBDT. Going to really kick up my efforts to get out of this unsustainable environment before the year's end. Thanks again. <3 Hope you have a good day, and a good weekend.
@CaloenasNicobarica You're welcome. I'm glad it could help. I also wish you a wonderful weekend! :)
Just wondering, were you looking for the specific term for that tactic?
(There probably is one, but to me, the nicest way to describe that attitude is "making mountains out of a single molehill", not sure if that helps with cross referencing somewhere! Lashing out for control is also accurate.)
You're smart, you got this! That was a stressful situation. You can see that this relationship isn't healthy due to your husband, it's no wonder why you felt the way you did, dealing with someone else's BS attitude is exhausting. And frankly, anyone who says they can handle it gracefully 100% of the time is a lair. :P Or call the rest of us imperfect peasants I guess!
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. In a healthy relationship, the people involved think smart, like adults, and can talk.
Don't doubt yourself, you're good! Not sure about how it would work for you, but for me, it's important to remember that you can't cope with these things/people by "fixing" or "normal" mumbo-jumbo, it's better to gray rock.