Soliciting On The Streets and Online
It haunts me everyday, and even though I am married now and making an honest living, I cannot let go of the past. It destroyed me psychologically and emotionally as well. In 2010, I lost my job, but I was renting the downstairs of a duplex in a bad neighborhood, so the rent was cheap. The landlord's boyfriend had just got out of jail and he started pimping girls in the extra rooms downstairs, so I had roommates. After I lost my job, he said I could stay there rent free, just sell my ass for him. I didn't want to move back home. My mom and I do not get along. I was a prostitute for almost 3 years, on Backpage and walking the tracks. When you are a prostitute, you learn how to have no emotions/feelings unless you're getting paid to show them. And if you got a pimp, you learn how to speak when spoken to, obey w/o question, and sex is #1 priority. I am still a robot .. Somehow a man fell in love w/me though. I am married now, but I have so many problems showing feelings/emotions, being sensitive .. he was one of my clients. I don't know how to move on from this situation. I made a huge mistake. I saw a program on TV last night called "Sex Slaves" w/cops interviewing hoes, arresting the tricks, and criticizing the pimps .. My pimp never hit me thankfully. It's not a joke and I don't know how to let it go. I want to show my husband how much I love him. But I'm scared for some reason. I need help.
I'm glad you came here for support. You've been so strong, and I'm so proud of you for making it here to this point in your life. You're in a MUCH better place now, and that's amazing! I'm happy for you that your husband is a good man. I'm sorry that your past is haunting you, it sounded traumatic. You have every right to be upset about what you went through and what you had to do to survive. But you're here, in this moment, right now, in a better situation than you were. And there's only forward from here, no going back into the past, because that chapter of your life is over. You're doing GREAT. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded of how far you've come, and from what you've told us, you're gonna be okay. Big hugs. 
Thanks .. I have a very hard time letting go of the past and moving on. My husband wants to have kids .. I'm so terrified to have kids b/c I don't wantmy child to make the mistakes I did, so I prefer not to have one right now. I don't know how to change that either.
I solicited online. I moved to a new city after finishing grad school to pursue a new and happier life after breaking up with the love of my life. I got there - began a new promising job - but I quickly screwed up. I was fired after only 9 days. I didn't think I would qualify for unemployment - dear god I wish I had just tried. I didn't want to move home out of pride - dear god I wish I had. It occurred to me I could make money through sex. I had met people online to date and for casual hookups in the past so it felt semi natural. I did it. I posted online and met a nice but very unattractive man. I went alone to his home. I got extremely drunk. And I made enough to buy food and pay the rest of my rent that month. I did it again and again. Even after I found a new job. I wasn't making very good money and was/is drowning in student loan debt. It's no excuse. Especially not after finding a job. I became pregnant and didn't know who fathered it. I had an abortion. I put my life in danger constantly. My apt was vandalized by a 'disgruntled client' (I assume. Never caught the person). They threatened my life. Luckily I wasn't home and was away for Xmas with my family. I was constantly terrified. Of getting caught by police. Getting HIV. Getting raped or beat up. Getting murdered. I was a prostitute. I still can't believe it. I hate sex and feel like I could go the rest of my life without. I'm married to a man who is decent and would be horrified to his core if he knew what I have done.
It's a hard thing to get over! My husband knows what I was doing b/c that's how I met him. But his family doesn't know the truth. I got caught 3 times by the cops, but my record is cleared b/c I paid the damn tickets. I am emotionally screwed up! My own mother let me prostitute at her house! When I was living w/the pimp, after almost 2 years, some guys broke in the house and that scared me. I moved back home, but my mom wanted me to keep doing it b/c the money was good. So sad .. my own mom. Well, I can't say you will forget it, but you have to move on. I am slowly putting it in my past, but sometimes my husband will throw it in my face when we argue. That doesn't help. You will be alright though. Just don't keep looking down on yourself. I used to hate myself for doing that. But it's the past.
