Subtle Emotional Abuse and Scapegoating

I just feel the need to get this out today. It doesn't even matter if anybody responds, I guess, although that would be helpful if someone can relate. I know this post will be annoyingly long.

My older brother tormented me from the time we were little. I am a very emotional person, creative, have struggled with depression and probably other disorders, have always been really bright and a little different in my view of the world, etc. He is a typical oldest "golden" child and grew up to be a detective and a National Guardsman, got married, had the 2 kids, house, etc.

He never physically or sexually abused me. He never even cursed at me or said anything directly, like, "You're a loser." It was all very subtle. When I was young, he would get me into a rage and then cackle like the devil. He usually did this when my parents weren't around, which is how he got away with it. My parents were wrapped up in their own problems and never really stepped in and told him to give it up. I was told to ignore him, so the burden of stopping him was put on the child and victim, which is totally wrong.

I know other people suffer much worse abuse than I did, but the fact that nobody really believes how much it hurt me makes it so much worse. My brother has also been nasty to my mother and a former step-brother. My step-brother had a learning disability, and my brother apparently told everyone in school how low his SAT scores were. He's nasty to his wife, but she always defends him and just laughs it off, like, "Oh yeah, he's an instigator, ha ha." It's not funny. I've also seen my brother so mad that he picked up one of his step-kids and had him pinned against a wall off the floor while he yelled at him. He once had a puppy who peed on the carpet, and my brother beat the dog in the head and face with his hand.

But somehow, everybody in our family treats me like the loser and acts like my brother is a great, successful guy. It drives me bonkers. My brother once told my mom that she was too sensitive. That's how he absolve himself of any guilt; he just blames it on the other person. But the irony is that my mother does not believe that my brother was abusive to me. They just consider it normal brotherly teasing. To me, if you are crying and ask somebody to stop, and they don't, that's abuse. That happened many times when I was young. As I got older, it turned into more snide comments about my being a vegetarian, what I was wearing, etc.

My dad, mom, and other family members act like I'm making things up or imagining things when I try to say how mean my brother is. My brother calls me paranoid and says I'm just looking to be offended. Yeah, because I'm used to it, and also because I want some proof, like to finally catch him saying something nasty in front of somebody else.

I've begged my mother not to talk about my brother or his family because I don't want to hear about him or have anything to do with him, but then my mom just whines like a martyr and says, "I can't even be with my own children at the same time or talk about them to each other, I don't have a family, wah wah wah" instead of acknowledging my feelings. She would have to brag about what degree he's working on, how hard he works, etc.

My self-esteem is horribly low, I'm an underachiever, and I even have obsessive thoughts and flashbacks of how he treated me, even though it really wasn't that bad. I'm afraid my counselor won't even believe me. I was reading a book on BPD, and it makes BPD sufferers out to be liars and manipulators. So nobody's going to believe anything I say if that's what I have. The irony is that family stress, dysfunction, and abuse contributes to getting BPD, so if I do have it, it's no wonder.

I think if one person had believed me or witnessed everything that went on, I wouldn't be so messed up, and it probably wouldn't seem like such a big deal. But I feel alone, crazy, and like I imagined all of it. But why would I spend money on counseling to talk about something I made up? Doesn't make sense.