Sunflower's Voice

tw: lack of understanding surrounding trauma response to loud noises, the drawing at the bottom looks like somebody having an anxiety attack, figurative drowning, crying, censored cursing

note: y'all tell me if I ever miss something I should tag as a trigger 'cause i ain't out here trying to trigger y'all of all folks. /serious

daily entry
february 13, 2022

at a different time, i'll write down my context (more about myself and my lived experiences) since without it, this entry just sounds like an average day. i guess this day is relatively average, but my context isn't.

today's a sunday. i slept until noon today. i'd normally be disappointed, but given how much _s▯▯▯ (assignments and studying and worrying about college) i have to do during the week and the emotional energy it takes to put up with classmates and family members, i allow myself to take time to rest.

i've been meaning to be more active on 7cups for awhile. h▯▯▯, on my bedside table, one of the folded pieces of printer paper from therapy says "join a support group on 7cup" or something.
right, let me talk about what led up to the creation of this thread.

But first, let me give some quick context: At the start of February, I had explained to my one of my guardians, let's call her Ruler, that I dislike (_{dislike my a▯▯. i'm generally scared of loud or unexpected noises.}) loud noises. She took in that information, but it seems that she wants me to just get over it. She is familiar with how my childhood with my biological father, the Tyrant, was not fantastic, but I did not give her specific examples that have fed into my dis(fear)like of loud noises, so maybe that's why she doesn't take my emotions towards it that seriously.

Alright, so, don't brace yourself or anything 'cause on the surface, the story ain't much: My other guardian, let's call him Jester, and I were sitting on the living room's couch, with one seat separating us. Behind us, there's a large drawer where we keep paper towel rolls. Ruler had placed a vacuum on a drawer and
it

fell.
Both Ruler and Jester jumped when they heard the crash. I think Jester let out an obscenity. I stayed still before and after, with just my eyes glancing towards the source of the disturbance. Ruler came up in my peripheral, put her hand on my shoulder, and informed me that

"For the record, that was a loud noise that caused me and [Jester] to jump. You didn't budge."

I just made neutral eye contact with her and continued to not budge. One of the perks of being a "quiet" person is that it is socially acceptable (depending on the room's extroverts' mood) for me to say absolutely nothing as my response. Jester started saying words or something; At that point, the room and I could have been submerged, blurred in water and I would have emotionally experienced it just the same.

"▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯"

Cool, thanks Jester. I, finally budging, went to my room. The vacuum's drone drowned out me _{quietly scream-crying.}

This incident and others from the past, reminded me of how painful it is when people fail to understand that my emotions towards triggers aren't silly quirks, but rather a result and constant reminder of my graphic childhood.

After crying, I decided that I would gradually start coming off as somebody who doesn't have trauma responses with at least my family, but that I will still express my actual emotions through writing and drawing because I know lying to myself or forgetting what my actual emotions are never ends well.

This is thread is one of the places where I can express my actual emotions :).

-

There's some mad irony in writing this a day before Valentine's Day.

-

Unrelated, but here's this sketch I made a few days ago:

The lyrics are from Pray by Jeff Williams ft. Lamar Hall, Sandy Casey & Red Rapper. The poorly drawn character is Sunny from Omori.