*TW* Journal kind of

Entry One

I didn’t really have a great bringing up, a lot of things were extremely toxic in the environment I was raised in (which I don’t even want to start on in this entry), coupled with the fact I’d be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Two, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Major Depression, and General Anxiety all at the age of eleven years old. I didn’t understand I just remember thinking I can’t be Autistic, but looking back I was not aware that autism was just an umbrella term for a issue in adolescence and adults that isn’t spoken about enough. When I was twelve I wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist. Now, there isn’t a chance for that in my future with a nonstop constant cycle of drug abuse and procrastination. If you asked myself at twelve if I expected to be this way now I wouldn’t of even believed you. However, If you asked me at fourteen, I was already aware of the fact I’m throwing my life away and wouldn’t be shocked. The environment I was brought up in didn’t help my mental illnesses but when things started to really go down hill was my middle school years being filled with torment from other girls after losing my virginity in seventh grade at an age I didn’t understand the concept of sex or being a virgin. It was a new school as I’d been removed from the middle school I’d completed my sixth grade year at, ruining any chance of forming friendships or reaching out for peer support. The entire school knew I had lost my virginity and I became known as a ‘ whore’ at the age of twelve. Teachers heard the talk but never sat me down to ask. It wasn’t until the summer before eighth grade that my family was made aware. That July I met a nineteen year old online, just having turned thirteen and still being a stupid kid, we met up. The first night I went to his house I asked for him to bring me home around ten since I still had a curfew (or I thought I did), things end up with him getting me to smoke marijuana with him and I get to high to go home, I end up staying the night. The same cycle proceeds for the next two weeks before my mom finally asked where I was. That’s the moment my teenage years battle with institutions began. My mom said horrible things to me and didn’t understand. She blamed my dad who she wasn’t even with nor had she been since I was three, since he had never asked where I was when I’d sleep there. That’s when a order of protection was placed against the man because yes things happened, he had a good lawyer and I had an child sexual abuse advocate though. A few months later I was unplugged from all electronics and depressed, I started experimenting with hallucinogenics, not long after it began my mom found out. We had a fight and I hung my self that night. I was at my dads and he refused to bring me to the hospital for whatever reason. My dad lost any custody of me even though he wasn’t just better than my mom, one just had a drug problem, the other a control problem but in the eyes of the law the ‘junkie’ with a suspended license shouldn’t get any say. I don’t know why I’m defending him because he didn’t even show up to court to defend the neglect charges. That was just twelve and thirteen. I don’t want to think about the high school years yet as I’m still reeling from them. I will soon.

I just came across your post. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you - my heart aches for the suffering you have had to endure. I hope you are getting treatment for your problems.