That silence...

I write here because I feel like this is a safe place to just be for a while and to share some things I have on my heart right now.

My heart feels heavy, for so many reasons. But one reason is not the past which I fear to look back on, but the future. The unknown that I have ahead of me and the doubt in my mind that I can go forward with all this baggage and burden on my heart. It feels heavy, every day. Not a single day goes by that I don't want to cry because I feel like my heart is bleeding, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel hurt, cut deep to the core of my being and so terribly incomplete as a result. The things Ive heard and the shocks that have shaken the essence of who I am into pieces still feel so real and fresh. The cloud in my mind won't let me see things, or feel things the way I wish I could; smell the roses or feel the sea breeze on my face. I'm numb to the good things, and constantly on alert that yet something else that will shake the remains of me is yet to occur. Most days I make by, I keep busy, I try and force a smile, a joke, a laugh... but under the surface I am always shaking, always afraid... and I wish I could find some sort of restbite, a little bit of peace of the chaos amongst the silence. That lingering, alarming and teasing silence that rings in my ears. Because deep down I feel there is no such thing as peace.