The Battle After

I often feel so hopeless, even with the good of life. I was abused so much that pleasant times often are just void to me. I say nice things to others, I make artwork that helps many, I try my damnedest each day, yet I can still feel the lurking thought to just die. It's so hard to hide these things. I push to be strong as I drown. I have a vision for strong goals, but I feel chained by trauma, bending my will past the original suffering. I have been told that I am rather smart, creative, and I feel like I could die from never feeling like enough. It is so heartbreakingly comfortable to feel the poison of distress take over. I wrote happy news to someone earlier. What is it with this life? I just want to be consistently happy, not C-PTSD.