Transparent Puzzle

Where to begin...

Growing up, I was physically abused by my father; mentally and emotionally abused by both of my parents (my mom is a narcissistic gas-lighter). They barely gave me food to the point where they had an industrial latch and lock on the places where food was kept. My dad would hit me with a 2x4 with full force, physically picked me up and threw me across the garage, pinned me up against the wall by my neck to the point where my feet were no longer touching the floor, attempted to touch me inappropriately and so much more...

My sisters had little to no idea, and my two older brothers were treated similar, but I had it the worst. I contacted CPS multiple times with the help of my teachers. My entire family was interviewed by CPS, and Im not sure why but my brothers didnt say a word, and my case worker had the audacity to say I had it great there... even though five minutes before he walked in, I was beaten and in the backyard picking up dog feces with my bare hands because they were notified earlier that they were visiting and I had filed a police report. After CPS failed me numerous times, I made a promise to myself to try to reach out to as many people as possible to help prevent them from feeling the same way I felt... Numb and broken.

In high school, I talked many classmates out of committing suicide and thought I had made friends, but when I finally broke down and held a knife to my wrist... No one was there for me. Right when I was about to press down, I came to a realization... Doing the unthinkable is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... so I carried on as best as I could.

Karma finally came for my dad in the form of cancer that was diagnosed and he passed 2 days later. My mom started downing Xanax with alcohol and this continued on for a few years. Her doctor was aware what she was doing and enabled it. Shes done so much to me that it will not fit in this post, but I mentioned earlier that shes a narcissistic gas-lighter so that should sum it up.

After my dad passed, my 2nd oldest brother became my abuser. He was almost like my dad, and he inherited the gas-lighter trait from my mom... but that issue soon became solved when he decided to join the armed forces. It took me awhile, but last year I started therapy and met my soul mate. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Depression, Anxiety, ADD, Compassion Fatigue and a lot of physical issues.

My dad was allergic to almost everything when he was born, and a lot of it was passed onto me in the form of sensitivities. I started anti-depressants when I was 18, Xanax and the like. I got slapped with the rare and terrible side effects of the medications and unknowingly became addicted to Xanax, as if I werent already on my knees... but here I am, currently being safely taken off of Xanax at my request and asked my doctor to only prescribe non-habit forming medications. I may be exhausted, bruised, bloody, covered in scars (physically, mentally and emotionally) but Im still standing. Working through all of this is the hardest thing Ive done in my life. I still have a very long way to go, but Im dead set on putting myself back together and remember who I am.

I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.

-Stephen Covey