Trigger-tastic - Manipulation & Rape

I'm really nervous about posting about this. If you read this and recognise me or anyone else from it, please don't tell me, I'll freak out.

It's been massively on my mind recently, even though it happened nearly 3 years ago, because of that stupid 50 shades film and all the posters everywhere for it.

So I'd been hanging out with my friend and her boyfriend - I say boyfriend, but he's 30 years older than us - a few times at his house and having dinner and just generally chatting. He insisted on being called Uncle, but other than that it was nice, and it was something I kind of expected given the nature of their relationship and the kind of community we're all in; that is, the BDSM community. He would occasionally spank us, but only when we dressed up and asked for it, and it was a bit of a laugh. I didn't find it too creepy because I would always hang onto my friend as a kind of anchor to knowing I could stop it whenever I wanted.

And then one time I was invited over and she wasn't there, and that was weird, and I wasn't very comfortable. I didn't say anything about it though, and he didn't bring it up either. He did, however, pour me a very strong drink, and then when I was only sipping it so as to stay focused, said "I'm less likely to take advantage of you if you drink more". I didn't want to be involved with him in any way, so I drank whatever was poured. I probably had about 3 doubles that evening, more than I'd everhave unless I was out with friends.

After I'd forced down some dinner, he came over to me, said "do you trust me?", and then without waiting for an answer grabbed my hair and dragged me up the stairs by it.

He had this room full of equipment - benches and a st Andrew's cross, impact toys etc, and he told me to pick what I wanted to be hit with while he went to put on some music. I didn't want to be hit with anything by him, so I just kind of curled up in a ball of panic. When he came back he kept joking about how he'd painted it red so that it'd be like the Red Room of Pain in the 50 shades books, and that he had apparently been compared to Christian Grey by some people. Pretty sure that's not a good thing, but whatever. He didn't seem to care that I hadn't picked anything to be hit with, but he took off my clothes, and strapped me down to a bench. I was attached at my ankles, knees, waist, wrists and neck - I couldn't move an inch. And then he beat the living daylights out of me with most of the toys he owned. In the middle of that, he mentioned that he doesn't use the standard 'traffic light' safewords, but that if I wanted him to stop, I just had to use his name. I hate that, so much. Nonetheless, when I was at my complete wit's end, I safeworded. And then he stopped for a bit.......and then carried on.

(I had bruises for11 weeksafter that.)

Weirdly, I didn't mind the beating so much, despite safewording, although it did make me cry and retch. It was when he untied me and said "Are you going to let me fuck you like the slut you are?" that I really wanted to die. I said no, of course, more than once, but I didn't want to safeword again because, if he'd ignored it the first time, he'd probably ignore it again. Plus, if he got angry, what could happen? So I just took it. Afterwards he tucked me up in bed, and the next morning (following absolutely no sleep) I left in a bit of a daze.

I hadn't realised that he hadn't told my friend I was going to be going round to his house - I thought she knew, as they were already in a poly relationship, and generally playing with/seeinganother person is ok as long as it's been discussed. After I'd left, he did tell her. I don't know what he said exactly, but whatever it was made her believe I'd been trying to replace her in the relationship, and had actually wanted anything to do with this guy. Thankfully, years on, she now knows, and they've not been together now for a while.

A while after that, about 6 months, I met a guy who was interested in me (fuck knows why). He kept coming on to me, and was really sweet, but I kept backing off when he tried to get touchy feely. Eventually I explained to him that this thing had happened, not in huge detail but enough, and rather than the reaction I'd been hoping for of "I understand, let's take things slow", he was all "That's ok, I don't mind"........? Turned out he thought I thought he wouldn't want to be with me because of it. Like I had something wrong with me, but it didn't matter, because he'd decided it didn't. I couldn't deal with that, so we stopped things right there.

I already knew I wasn't that into sex before the incident, but I can't help but wonder if it's what's pushed me into being Ace. Although I'll insist til I'm blue in the face that you don't have to be damaged to be asexual (or a masochist, or kinky, or a sub etc etc), I'm yet to find anyone who's asexual (or any of those other things) who hasn't had bad things happen to them. Might be coincidence rather than causation, but....yeah.

If you've made it this far, woah, you must be really bored. But do you have any thoughts?