Trigger warning:sexual assault
I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. I thought I had dealt with it and was living my life, huband, kids, good job. 4 years ago, it all came to a head and I felt like I was spinning out of control. I had reached all my goals in creating my ideal life, my daughter turned 9 (age I was raped), my sister married a convicted sex offender. I didnt realize until after many months in therapy why it hit me so hard or that these were "triggers". My therapist says, "Trauma has a way of maming sure it gets dealt with." That has stuck with me over the good and bad days. Just to remind me I am trying to deal with it.
Recently I went to a retreat for survivors of chuld sexual abuse. It was important for me to go, but after hearing many of them share their stories, I felt more alone. My experience wasn't like theirs. It felt hard to connect with them. They had suffered horrible abuse at the hands of people who were supposed to take care of them. I was raped by an intruder who broke into our house while my dad was working graveyard shift. It's a different kind of violation. It made me realize how unusual my story is and that I may not find others who truly understand me.
At the retreat I became very aware of how small my support group is. I don't talk about it or share it much. There is still a lot of shame when I think of my story.
You are not alone, I was raped when I was 16 by a guy I had talked to briefly at school and his 22 year old brother who was home for a short period time he was something military. A 3rd guy had been called in luckily he wouldn't go through it with it beacuse I had been given drugs. My parents didn't have a vehicle to pick me up from friends that weekend. I was supposed to make sure I had ride home before leaving friday. My friends older brother was supposed to take me home and decided he did not want to drive the 15 minutes across town. By chance Adam(rapist), texted me and he lived on a street outside my neighborhood. I was young and dumb enough to get into a strangers vehicle and take the drugs he offered me thinking they were safe because well he had also done them. He took me to his house instead of mine, I was showered then teeth brushed and brought to a room. From there I was penatrated for several hours back and fourth between him and his brother. I was completely out of my mind I couldnt even stand or speak. Finally I was able to cry and the hell ended. I was taken home and told I would be killed if I ever told anyone. Honestly I believed him and he truly meant it. For the next year him and two friends would park in my driveway at night call my phone over and over. I ended up telling my mom and changing phone number after getting 250 texts messages at once. My mom had finally noticed them driving by and digging out holes in front yard. To this day the scariest part is I couldnt understand why his house had cameras inside and outside. Adam was the second person I had ever been with, he stole my self worth and the ability to form emotional connection during sex. I will still cry and have panic attacks after because I'll have flashbacks where I can feel his skin. I can smell him on me and being spit on because I was not aroused. Im sorry this was long, I am here to listen I understand the lasting effects. For me the only reason he isn't a stranger is because we attended the same school.