Uhh my childhood...
[Trigger Warning for sexual content as a child]
Uuum when. I was little say like 3 years old my mom would go to work and my dad would take care of me while she was gone he never specifically did anything to me per say but he had a bad h abbit of masturbating and watching porn and calling sex hot ligns in front of me it caused me to know what sex was at an extremely early age i always wanted to see his nude magazines and stuff i knew he had them cuz he was exacrly subtle about it but yeah eventually my mom and Him split up he was a drunk asshole stoner.... but i loved my dad so i got to hang out at his house sometimes (only twice that i remember) one of them it was closer to night time and i was upstairs playing video games my cousin (girl) was upstairs with me too i was 4 years old about and she wanted to have sex i didn't want to i remember cuz i guess deep down i knew it wasn't right i guess but she peerpressured me into it and we didnt get to far but we were naked and under the covers.... my dad and uncle came in and got us off each other ... i barely remember the ither visit maybe a year down the road if that there were these kids i used to play with two girls and a boy well i took a special interest in the girl around my again so much so that one time we were all hanging out too damn young to know any better.... i some hoe or another convinced her to take her underwear off and i started kissing her private area the older sister went and told there parents (thank god) they split us up and they got my mom tthey still allowed us to hang out but we were supervised now uuh they moved and i started to hang out with a cousin from a different Sid of the family i wasn't bout 5 maybe not even that i dunno truethfully sll these memories are so hazy and im only 20 but any way i convinced my cousin that it would be ok to suck on each others private area...we did... didn't go far (thank god) my aunt interrupted us...umm the most hazy memory of all i barely remember at all but my cousins sister had both of us strip her down and unbuttoned her bra and thats where ny memory fades i barely remember saying "i dont know how to do that" so ii think she did the bra for us(same girl that molested ny sister) umm maybe a year or two later me and my couzin started hang in out with this neighborhood girl my couzin started to like to be more touchy with her and undress her i didnt want to participate becuz by then i knew it was wrong and i just didnt want to do it so he would black mail me and stuff this happend a few times well why i was being black mailed by him his sister caught us and black mailed us and held it over our heads to get her way one time she dressed us uo as girls and made us walk and act like girls .... theres more but like i said its hard to remember it all truethfully but iv some what learns to cope it still bothers me alot sometimes but ive learned to deal with it....... to the maine point i made this post six days ago i was feeling in a bad place about it and i was talking to a really good friend for close to ten years i loved her and she has told me she loved me we used to talk and talk all the time well we got distant then close again but i always loved her we never got to be a couple becuz we were long distance but i loved her so strongly and was so sweet and pollite and caring as much as i could be to her (im normally that way anyway all the stuff that's happend has made me overly nice and sweet ii dont want to feel gross anymore) but like i was saying i told her everything i pretty much said about mt child hood to her and without a word or anything she blocked my number and my facebook.... i didnt even get to explaine myself im so hurt and so sad i miss her deeply to the point my hands shake and my heart chest litteraly burns when i think of her.... i still have her email but i dont know if i should send anything cuz i dont know if it'd be wierd...... should i giver her time then send maybe?.... or should i hust let her go..... cuz im torn but i love her still so much i think of her smile then it makes me smile then i get really freaken sad cuz i prolly won't ever see it again....
To add i thought about this after i finished but becuz of all that stuff i have the hardest time with women i can hardly look a girl in the eyes somtimes let alone a conversation but eith her it was different....
@Justryingman,
First of all I would like to thank you for having told us all that, maybe it has required a lot of courage to do so. I also would like to tell you that you are very welcome in 7cups, you will probably not be judged in any way here.
What you did when you were a young child was absolutely no surprise to me considering what you have been through, and was surely not to be blamed. Your behavior should have been seen as a sign for your parents that something wrong was happening TO you and not FROM you. Does that make sense to you?
If you can afford it, have you considered going to therapy? Maybe that could help you a lot (if you find a therapist who fits you), you seem to suffer a lot and through therapy you might feel better step by step in your relationships with girls. If you can't afford to pay a therapist, to talk with some good listeners here in 7cups may help you too.
Knowing that many people here will never judge you and will completely accept you the way you are, I think that it is very possible for you to find a friend who will listen to you and accept whatever story you tell her/him just as it is, with no judgement at all. Would you agree with that idea?
Anyway, I wish that your current friend understands soon that the story you told her does not change the person that she knows you always have been. I also wish her to understand that to tell her about these events was a way of showing her how deep was your trust in her.
Please take great and gentle care,
Gilles
