Unfreezing

So I'm here because I am trying to figure out my life. I'm just so sick of how it is right now.

My original trauma is something that I don't remember at all and only found out about by accident.

Growing up the story my mother would always tell about me as a baby was how much I cried. Apparently I cried all the time. That was pretty much it about what I was like as a baby. My mother had a rather detached parenting style. For example, one time I went to bed mad and refused her good night kiss. That was the last time she ever came in to give me a good night kiss. I was only in elementary school.

Anyway back to the story of me as a baby. When I was about 20, we were having thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. I was sitting next to my mother. She started telling my baby story again but this time she added "... and one time you cried so much that I shook you!" Her tone was not regretful or ashamed, just the sort of tone one might use when telling a cute baby story. I was stunned and about to cry so I left the table, cried a little in the bathroom and then dried my tears and went back. We never talked about it. I kept it secret for years and years.

This is exhausting to write about, more later.