Years later...

Years later after so much- specially 3 years ago when it was the worst when I was sexually harassed by my boyfriend and mentally abused, with ocasional episodes of physical one aswell- I decided to write here what I've learned

This isn't going to be a super negative thread, more like a somehow positive one that I'm hoping might help someone.

I started therapy in January after I pretty much had daily panic attacks and massive anxiety 24/7. I suppose was the accumulation of things I never talked about in my life(not just the abuse alone, it was that but much more aswell from the past). To make it worst I was having lucid nightmares, panic attacks in the middle of the night, couldn't talk to people (I even developed stuttering) , my self esteem was crap, and so on.

Now we're at 8th March and I will say, professional help was the best thing I ever decided to do. Which is what I want to talk about and share here what I learned.

I learned that I wasn't stupid and didn't allow the fact that I was abused and sexually harassed. I was taking advantage of the fact I loved him and that I trusted him and that I didn't have any self confidence. You never think that the person you love the most would hurt you. I was a victim. I didn't enable his behaviour.

This has been the major thing I learned.

Then in panic attacks I learned that the majority of them were subconcious. I'm talking about movements, colours, sounds, certain clothes on other people, etc , that brought me back to a state of panic because I somehow saw and experienced those things during this hard time of my life.

Nowdays I breathe deeply, try to read my mind and see what's around me. Is becoming easier to see what is triggering me so I can fight it.

Another thing I learned is allowing myself to sometimes just not being ok. Forcing the mentality of "I'm ok haha" is NOT good. Is ok to not be ok and whoever can't deal with it, cut them out of your life. Is also positive to admit you're not fine certain days, because that allows you to just vent or cry away what you feel and then the next day you'll rise even stronger and maybe happier.

I'm mentioning this because many times I was pointed a finger to for crying. But you know what? Is natural after all of this.

Now I just cry and try to breathe during it and realise is natural. I also try to understand why I'm crying, but sometimes there isn't a reason I can find so I just tell myself that is ok to cry anyways.

I learned that there is MUCH more to life even if it doesn't seem like it. If you work hard I promise there's alot for you.

If I told myself 3 years ago I would be in a good relationship, that I would be in university passing all my subjects(and in a new degree that I actually LOVE), that my panic attacks were basically zero, that I would have self confidence.. I would ask what the hell I did smoke.

But is true.

There is life after trauma.

And for everyone that is reading this, YOU, yes YOU, are a badass warrior. You are fighting every single day! You get up and you face the day and for that alone props to you my friend.

Don't even understimate your strenght and willing to fight through trauma.

If I can do it, you can do it.

I believe in you.

And this is the end of my thread. Hopefully I helped someone here , who knows :)