another late night without sleep

hey

my first post in this forum (:

today wasn't good. i can't stop thinking about my childhood. specifically my father, and his beautiful, beautiful smile. the way we'd dance to the end of hindi movies. the twinkle in his eyes as he'd slice strawberries in his hand to give to me. when he'd hit me, when i'd bruise so much i thought i'd die. and the smell of alcohol on his breath. when he'd fall asleep reading to me, and i'd wake up to his hand still in my hair. when i'd hold his hand when we were out at the store.

i took my dog out for a walk today, and walked past his house. he lives maybe a 30 minute walk away. yeah, he's still alive. i saw him at the window, like a ghost. a disappointed ghost made of steel. i kept my eyes down as i walked past. it's almost 1 am, and i know i'm not sleeping tonight.

i talked to my friends today, too. i am right now. i'm crying on the phone with them.

hopefully i'll fall asleep before 3 am.

can i talk here despite being on my listener account?

sorry

d.b.b.