coffee & breakfast but this time I’m disgusting

Not going to deep into my past, but it really has messed w me as a young adult. I grew up in the hood, yk gangbangers, drugs, robbery, drive bys. All of it, but I didn’t realize how fucked up it was until I started realizing it affected my brain, the way I moved & the way I thought. Created trust issues v young. I went into foster care around 10 & lol that shit is just as bad. I went on my own at 17, when I ran away. Moved in w an abusive boyfriend who has slit my throat w his car key. Gave me a black eye on my 18th bday. Choked me, beat me so bad I couldn’t lay down on my head. Cheated on me hella times. But like I said I’m not going to deep into it all, just kind of an overview. Well I left him last September and found out a month later I was pregnant. The universe does shit like that, I was mad as hell at first but realized that this baby the only thing keeping me from giving up. I got back with him and now we’re here. I’m 6 months pregnant and this morning he told me I disgusted him. Why would that hurt me so bad? He’s literally said worse to me. But I think it was the fact I was excited to eat breakfast, it’s my favorite. And being pregnant you randomly have to pee, and I was in a playful mood w him and said “omg I have to pee so bad” and I sat down to eat. He got so mad. He got so so mad I didn’t get up and go pee, but didn’t understand I didn’t have to go like that. My baby will kick my bladder and make it feel like I have to pee then the next second it’s gone. But he didnt listen. I told him I’m eating & that he stated his opinion but I’m not arguing. Then he told me to get the fuck out of his face and said “you disgust me”. And yk I’m really torn up abt that right now. I have a history of self harm all the way from the age of 4, and when I feel overwhelmed I will go hurt myself. I went to the bathroom and grabbed what I needed but didn’t do it. Why? Literally my baby. The universe may have given me a child by an awful man but the universe knew that’s the only good thing that would ever come from him. Now I need to gather strength to leave. I have nobody but him. No family. Nobody. He has it all, a big family who is always here to help. I don’t. So now I’m typing this sitting in a chair 3 feet away from the bed he’s laying on watching basketball on writing why I didn’t hurt myself today. Idk if I have trauma but it really feels like it. It feels heavy. It feels like everything triggers me. I’m tired.