diary *trigger warning*

i've been doing.. not so great, recently. better than i was, but not great. which is funny because all of my friends have been supporting me and i'm no longer dealing with my abuse. i just haven't been doing well, you know? i've been left to deal with my memory issues. i don't really remember much. i've been keeping notes on what i'm doing in a day and stuff but in the long run will it even help? i don't really remember the good stuff from *that time period.* and even if i do remember, i usually forget pretty quickly. nothing was ever really good, just the best i could get. i barely remember what they did to me, i remember how it felt, and i remember the extreme stuff - i think? i'm not sure. it's hard to keep track of stuff you've forgotten when i wouldn't even know i forgot it if it wasn't brought up (or if my memory gaps weren't painfully obvious). i can't really stand silence at this point, so i've been constantly listening to music or youtube videos. wherever silence is, i feel them. i can still feel her hands on me sometimes. and i can.. i'm not sure actually. i just remember how it made me feel, and how it felt. i don't even know what to say, i'm not sure how i'm feeling. i don't have access to professional help because i'm still young and my family isn't exactly helpful. they don't really know the extent of my abuse (they wouldn't even call it that) and i refusw to tell them about the sexual assault. they'd probably tell me off. once my mother found out about my self harm. i don't really remember it all too much, but i know it was bad. she and father tell me that they're here for me but.. they really aren't, you know? i told them about some of my abuse, and they told me to "stop being a bitch and forgive them." i'm not sure how much of this i can take anymore. i'm not going to do anything bad, i can promise myself that, but i'm not sure what i'm going to do (or what i can do) once i reach my limit.