journey

Weel what to say... Idk is it cos trauma or and I'm growing and learning how I started qoustion what's life all about... Sometimes wonder do I when do that just less focus on doing stuff raither more on ideas... but idk may raither be bit insecure and now my limits than make myself unhappy...althought how may cos strict parents be overcritical..I am learning how to be less...what wanzed say myb too much distructive...

I can't handle pain...even myb if sometimes should...always may like go easy path but may be not just rushing....always still feel like I swalow words but idk dose it realy matter...animals just live happy and hakuna matata :P ...As you may see I AM ANALITICAL...was trying latelyI forgot what wanted say) ah yes stop thinking so much thought a bit scared me why don't dream lately(myb noth much to process), weel cos I read inteligent ppl dream more...Usualy I used to dream a lot...LAST TIME had bit strange dream first running from dogs...than when trow stone more get angry...than run from peps... and after was with mum(idk myb shoping) walking and ppl acted bit perv...I think it just meant runing means I was scared to face problems...and mum myb cos lately go with her out also ...expetialy when went to class art...and I like going see what's outiside bit or just go out of hause and do stuff,,,like see what's in city,read comics when mum is at dentist...and ppl that dreamt showing there parts...think meant I feel frustated kinda like.

I talk in past tence cos today make my mind be better person...myb and more just natural than run for some succes..I wonder about spiritual stuff...althought sometimes wonder would it have ever eny sense...I saw so much evel traps fake clinical deaths...strange beliefs that don't do good...sometimes wonder is universe just some hologram...sometimes everything seams posible and noncence like reality...so I keep my ayes open...conected and with uncomfy feelings...I may do things withought much thinking but when I am stressed try just stay grounded and being myself...even if worries bothers me...Weel didn't say wanted and today be more pure and compasionate..sometimes trying being good makes me slightly anxious...althought feel better <3... myb cos a bit I'm good cos of fear...

I do miss simple days...when everything was simple and was just like wild and free but still trying to be better...to be good...idk saw world as black and wight...biting myself wasn't breaver.. think about sometimes like a lot about friends some that not spend time with cos of argue...idk do I actualy just miss idea of it...idk would wish them back...but somehowe cought in being nostalgic...It seam like just somth in past, like memory...pink dream.I know believe more important is to be humble than breave...what is there withought that realy? Good is than draining, bravery is like fake or vilent...

I do wonder where is line between courige and craziness...sometimes do wonder could I be breaver...better...and on other hand think would I truly than be better and happier...what is bad in wondering...myb if just more wonder woudn't be here on first place...idk myb is truth I'm too much insecure but may be and that's me...I like safe road...but what's fun with it..dangerous in trigering ;). Thought noth more show me what's life about as nature itself...inecent animals...Animals now there worth...they seam can deal with things that and hide emotions...they don't harm others exept when need to protect themselves or eat..they are empatic and compasionate...Don't think much of meaning raither just themselves...idk still animals are not human...but we are like intelegent animals aware our psirituality..myb there all lies mistary in being ourselves?!I read bit and about tantra...tantra learn me about freedome...be more me that fake some moral I'm not sure about...althought I don't think tamtra that good...gives me wierd vibes :/ ...and ppl look high. I kept my morals and stayed humble but just more qoustune it... Idk my heart and mind believe in God and angels...few time saw feathers wight...mayy be just from some bird but gave me comfurt...I LIKE TO BE IN PEACE...not pain lol...I like to let birds be my gudians..litlle cute once..black once scares me...thought I tryy not to believe in rubish...like mean being superstisios...Idk why I feel best when I breake...idk kinda i DID,,,i BREAKE when I'm with animals...show my true colers...althoughts bit scary...thought idk is there such need to... I actualy thought about today to may stop it,,,idk usualy just do whatever feel like it...lately more and more seam just go with feelings..not to much overthink...I ALWAYS feel could be better person, missing some potentiol..idk why but I am notlike realy so much thalful person more just satisfied...wonder is that how I''m thankfull.I am always bit like kinda more...wish something coregious to do...or say more what meant..or let go off control...or just some adventury...

I am person...idk guess not such much enymore that doesn't learn from mistake..just thought how I've got all planed...wright on trauma diary think.. I forgot even about all that...I have anexaity and seams I made myself more scared and may vurnebel cos wanted more when was just good enough... I keep saying want at least was saying want golden middle.. but acting difrenly...If you ask me what I wish would say carelees simple life(but is there such) and my dearest fine...But what Ifeel also like my mission is to care and for others also...idk what have I done truly...is there something caring about us... I just now my pet becames bit weaker as me...but egain myb before was to much sligtly high...Who are we...Weel things seams getting back to normal...It seams I always shoot for stars not the moon..shoot the moon but kinda clumsy...I wonder dose spiritual wolrd work difrently than earth logic...thought may still believe for everything need hard work...I believe in somth...not sure what. I don't belive we devolap from darkness...so must be some energy... I sometimes acted like open minded realist...still do think...I kind miss so much bad how was before...my own wild side..arguing with parents..overprotective...idk why...may be cos when dig deep I found how much I am sceptic...only thing that I'm not sceptic is like self worth...I wish I don't feel so alone...idk why feel so much this way...I don't think want to feel like that...thought bit wonder are we not truly alone...cos somewhere read that others just makes us feel less that we're not...dose it realy damn matter?Thought that statement sounds depressing...thought alone and lonely is not same thing..idk I am not much into keeping things too much to myself...I am almost like open book and weel also go smothly true life...May make me bit and more lonely cos can't find realy in rlf someone to talk deeply...idk I may be and to comfy...cos i don't care so much about rules such my own peace and harmony...sometimes feel guilt cos that and like freak :( . IDK when find someone like that bit like more usualy is shy...and I am kinda too..or just may be carefull...always was consious...Like kid I went in surcels in whater so I can notice how long is...thought idk do I need so much deep conversation as careless and from heart like...We chit-chat but it was from hear...or supose say soul...enyway I met her at art class...I like and my art teacher she seams be free spirit but still no going smoothly true life...she seams conected and strong...althought I am not perfect myself...idk to me is more important not to be like some mesohist and tourcher myself with pain even if it is like for better good...i LIKE TO FEEL FREELY...and than seams I am better version of myself.

ok think saed enough...getting tired and it's late here.

hope not too long post