loss and grief
i don't know why i write things down, it is hopeless for me. i am in a hopeless place.
i lost an online friend i relied on since january and it is as serious to me as a rl loss. we were close and now it's over. im not doing well at all. i feel like i cant bear it. i failed and so did he but who just walks away like he did with me. im angry at how he pretended to care then walked away and jerked me around. im angry about so much. he didn't treat me fairly. and i will not take all the blame but why a blame game at all. im tired of what i endure and due to pride and paranoia i refuse to lay it all out b/c no one would understand a life like mine anyway. i feel like im on my last legs in this world and he was the one reason i had to keep going. im sick of loss and pain. what is the point of this pointless horrible life when people treat you like crap. the only thing he cared about was himself and in the end the drugs he pretended he was in recovery from. im so angry and i feel no hope. incest is not recovered from it is merely endure and it has gotten worse as ive gotten older. this life is beyond cruel and the lies of religion are thankfully gone as i refuse to believe in a god anymore who doesnt seem to even care about children. the catholic church is not for me. the only ppl rewarded in this life are evil ones.
@howlingwolf7
As someone who grew up with the internet/on the internet, holding online friends near and dear to me is something that I know all too well, especially as using them as coping mechanisms. I remember that I was really close with this boy when I was 14 and the two of us had the worst falling out on the planet, there were so many nights I called him in the middle of the night in hopes of apologizing and fixing things; i'm sharing not to downplay your situation but so that you understand I know where you're coming from. That feeling of being unimportant to someone or like you can't handle anything on your own can feel so hopeless and consuming. You're more than the relationships you have around you, though. If anyone ever makes you out to be too much or too little know that you deserve so much more, so much more than you'd ever believe.
Trauma never goes away, its not something you can step away from and be miracously cured from and I hope that you can find someone who understands your needs because you don't deserve anything less than that. It may not feel like it now, but one day you'll have this feeling of contentness in your chest again, even if it wavers, its possible to reach those places again. If you ever need to talk to someone, don't be afraid to.
@neapo this post was a kind act of mercy, i thank you
<3
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're going through a lot of pain and frustration right now. Losing a close friend, whether online or in real life, can be incredibly difficult to cope with. It's understandable that you're angry and hurt by how things ended. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. It may be helpful to seek support from trusted friends, family, or even a therapist who can provide guidance during this challenging time. Hang in there, and remember that you're not alone.
e comigo foi um grupo inteiro, eu me abri totalmente para eles uma coisa que eu acho muito difíçil de fazer e msm assim um dia só me expulsaram e depois descobri que umas 3 pessoas comemoraram que eu sai, isso me fez ficar sem querer fazer nada por uns 3 dias e quando eu pensava eu voltava a ficar mal
You've been carrying so much pain for such a long time. Losing someone you relied on so heavily is incredibly hard, and the fact that this was an online friendship doesn't make that loss any less real. When someone becomes part of your daily life and one of the people you turn to when things get difficult, their absence can leave a huge emptiness.
There is so much hurt and disappointment in what you've written. It's not only the loss of the friendship, but also the way things ended and the feeling of being let down by someone you trusted. After everything you've described, it's understandable that you're angry.
The part where you said he was one of the reasons you kept going says a lot about how important this connection was to you. That's a heavy loss to carry, especially when you're already dealing with so many other painful things in your life.
It must be incredibly lonely feeling like nobody really understands what you've been through. Thank you for being so open about it here.