lost my older sibling (tw suicide).

in 5 days its gonna be 2 years without him. just 3 days ago it was my birthday and now i hate it bc its without him. its not the same anymore. i lost him 8 days after my birthday. i barely turned 13. he committed suicide a day after my older sisters birthday. everyday all i can is think about him. especially in july. it breaks my heart even more and more. thru out time it kills me. i dont even know if im traumatized because im trying to forget what happened. it hurts my head if i do. my family and i found him and we tried giving him cpr but it didnt work. we were too late. i tried. i hate talking about this and lately ive been keeping to myself. just yesterday a young teen passed away from drowning and it breaks my heart because it reminds me of my brother for some reason. people are mourning right now and i feel so helpless and i reached out to people who lost him but idk. cause ik how it feels when people dont reach out. he was 17 years old. he wouldve been 19 this year. im in so much pain. i miss him so much and i hate thinking about him but i cant. i lost him to suicide and i couldnt even help him. when we saw him we didnt know cpr only my sister. i was only 13. i barely turned 13 and to this day i think to myself how could he do that to us? why? he left us without answers and he didnt reach out. im so mad at him bc i miss him so much and he put us thru so much pain. im his little sis. i cant type anymore bc theres not enough space but yeah. this pain is unexplainable.