multiple sexual assaults

I am a man who was abused by my older brother from age 3-13 and was also sexually assaulted at the age of 24. In total I was raped by a dozen different men.

My brother learned what he did to me by watching older boys abuse me.

Things like this can leave you traumatised and hopeless. When I was raped again at 24 I was ready to die and attempted suicide several times, like I had when i was a kid.

I wasn't trying to die because I didn't want to live. I wasn't trying to die because I was unsuccessful at life. I wasn't trying to die because I was a coward. I was trying to die because I didn't want to live with the pain.

I finally got sober 3 years ago and the pain and cPTSD (like PTSD only with multiple significant traumatic events, not just a few) symptoms got even worse. I would imagine myself driving off the side of the road or over a cliff and would feel so much relief, it seemed the only option. Only I have a wife and kids and didn't want to leave them penniless.

I have been going to therapy now for 2 years and using EMDR to help with cPTSD symptoms. Before I started, I could not look a man in the face, let alone shake their hand or be near them at all. At work I would hide in my office or in the bathroom in order to avoid male contact. It was no way to live.

I am slowly healing with EMDR and several depression and anxiety medications.

I'm looking for a long time listener to help me continue my progress toward being whole and living with out the effects of sexual assault.