nonsensical thoughts

8/13

today I feel not great which is typical. I feel like I'm the worst of the worst, incapable of contributing to society and reliant on a society I'd like to renounce. everyday at least once a day I think of going to the hospital for my mental health and every day I decide not to because i don't deserve help and I also just feel embarrassed that I'm struggling. I wish I could like myself. I'm 20 and I feel like I've been a recluse my entire life. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being afraid but the way things are going I think I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I've felt like this since as long as I can remember. I really should stop complaining about my mental health because as far as I'm concerned I deserve every negative emotion I feel and if I had any shred of decency I'd do everyone a favor and free up some of the space and time I've been so selfishly hanging on to.

my goals for today were

walk to the gas station and get some food because I need food

go for a walk

take a shower

and I feel like if I go to the store I'm going to embarrass myself and offend people and be so awkward that the second hand embarrassment spreads to everyone in the store. and going for a walk sounds like fun but every time I come across a person i get anxious and tense and I can't relax or act normal

I just want to be normal. i don't want to have depression or anxiety or PTSD or anything