relationships
heavy triggers
i feel stupid posting this but it's troubling me
in january i met a man online via a therapy site and we began chatting every day (texting on hang outs). he is a survivor and told me he was a recovering addict. he had neighbour abuse and abused his sibling which he carried a lot of shame and guilt over to the point of wanting to set himself on fire at one point. we had an immediate bond. i am an incest survivor (father). we chatted and then began fighting. i felt like i knew him all my life. the arguments came b.c. i basically fell for him. he doesnt want anyone, he says that he isnt mentally capable of it and prefers to be alone. he's very philosophical and likes to read psychology and philosophy. he lives with his parents still and works.
he felt like i didnt respect his boundaries. i felt like he was acting like a dictator. we are both hot heads and would fight quickly, both of us threatening to walk away (mature, i know). he went away and i chased after him and he returned. he told me he didnt do it to punish me but b.c. he was tired of fighting and didnt want to say things he'd regret.
now we talk on the phone once a week. he refuses to give me anymore time and no longer writes unless i do. he talks to me on fridays and if i text over the weekend will respond. is this friendship worth it? earlier he stated our friendship was over. i went chasing after him . he claims to love and accept me he says this is who he is, he prefers solitude, he puts sports (for real) before ppl and prefers watching sports to socializing. he says i shouldnt take it personally. he responds almost immediately if i text him and honestly i dont know what to do, my feelings for him havent changed a bit. sometimes i feel like he gives me mixed messages. he told me at one point he was attracted to me. he has heavy abuse issues and so do i and he did drugs for ten years, the last big fight we had was over him doing drugs with his sibling. he claims it was a one time only thing, i feel he is in denial about having a drug issue.
i truly do love and care for him and in my heart i think he does for me. he admits he's a "man child". there is no doubt i'm a "woman child" in some ways. a lot of suicidal ideation came out with him, which was part of the problem. he had a stepfather who would threaten that and he'd have to take care of him. my one friend said hes not good for me and that's a red flag. i dont feel that way around him anymore and we are calmer in our handling of one another. what i resent is his boundaries and me having to do the yeowoman's share of work. he used to text me daily for months and it seems all of a sudden sports and gym b.c. his life. he also says it's b.c. i am too volatile and he doesn't want to fight, yet i feel like he is simply telling me that i am not a priority to him.
can anyone relate.
edited by Rain45 to comply with cups guidelines on posting
@Howlingwolf7 Hi Howling, thanks for your post. It sounds from what you have written that both you and this gentleman have been through a lot in your lives and both of you have issues that perhaps you need to deal with or work through which make being in a relationship with one another difficult and potentially explosive between you. There was a lot written in your post about fighting, him needing space, you wanted him to accept he is an addict, missing perhaps the contact that once was etc. Being in a relationship as a Trauma Survivor is very difficult even when one person has suffered traumatic experiences, let alone when both people have complex issues that need to be resolved. I think the gentleman has recognised he is not in a place perhaps of being able to cope with being in a close relationship, needing space etc and you yourself described yourself as a woman child. I dont know what the future will hold for the both of you, but perhaps if you feel as you do towards him, for you both it may be better to remain friends, which creates the space you both need to work on yourselves. Perhaps once you have both managed to resolve some of the issues you have personally eg his drug use etc then in the future the relationship may be different. Boundaries can also be hard for those who have gone through trauma where perhaps boundaries were unsafe, broken or non existant and boundaries in the here and now can feel almost like rejection when someone tries to put into place healthy boundaries. But all relationships have boundaries, what is okay for each person and what isnt, and thats healthy but can be difficult for survivors. I think try and step outside this situation and look at it as an observer and ask yourself what would be right for each person if this was a situation you were reading about. Its important you get support for what you need, and likewise for the man you spoke of. It may not be what you were expecting as a response, but its my honest opinion having read what you posted. And it is just that an opinion. Only you and this man know what is best for you both. Good luck whatever happens
@dancingRainbow45 thank you for your honest and heartfelt response. i will take your advice and try to view the situation as an observer. i am short on words due to ptsd, but may you be blessed and thank you for your time in responding and the care you put into it.
@Howlingwolf7 Your most welcome Howling :)
@Howlingwolf7
... this is terrifying to me since I met my boyfriend through that site...
also I'm so sorry for what you went through
well im sure there are ok ppl on that therapy site. you also have (trigger warning) some majorly f**ked up ppl . i had a guy on there threaten to rape me. yes, you heard that right. i personally don't want to find a man thru online b.c. id rather have it happen organically. but it's kosher and acceptable nowadays and honestly it's just a person you meet online, lol. it's no better or worse than anyone else. don't worry about my story it doesn't have to impact yours. this person lives in another country and frankly i have no clue why he and i had such an intense bond. he broke off the relationship recently after we spoke calmly for 7 hours. and ive been dealing with that.
edited by Rain45 to comply with guidelines on posting