things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
Sat Sept 12, 20 12:23p
weekend goal is to get back on the chore wagon and more yard clean up. Hoping H can have some time to figure out why every time it rains we lose water pressure. It's electrical. Thank goodness he's a jack of all trades. This be homesteading in the early 2020's America. At least for us. Need to build a "house" over water pump before winter. Deck on hold Bc of the pesky "necessities." Have to find where electrical line keeps causing the circuit to short and then encase the whole thing in pipe and bury. Hopefully can get started this weekend. At least narrow down where the problem is in line.
~~~
from what I gather we're now one employee down. Hoping the other can pull through and decide to stay with us.. no it must be a drag having to stay sober on the clock.. I swear 🙄
but this is what happens when life becomes unmanageable. (Not that I don't have plenty of my own unmanageability to attend to). Still, all hands must toe the line at least to bare minimum. Which means sobriety on the job. Will help H.. he needs a sober workplace. Just the way it has to be, it's not too much to ask. (I have to keep reminding myself). Boundaries..
I'm most likely going "off grid" - as in: back to journaling my thoughts old school, pen and paper.
my hope is to have this thread "edited." I do not wish to speak many words regarding my life through a public platform any longer.
as soon as I can get near a printer (might be awhile), I'll print my journal here then the next step will be to request it's "editing," hopefully have it taken down to a blank slate.
i have considered keeping this thread (after my posts are deleted, if they can be) or a similar one just as a means of communication for my two faithful friends here.
in the game of social media, I'm torn. I wish to "opt-out" in a sense. Altho I'm certain my words amount to very little, I also am conflicted. The conflict is (and I'm certain I'm not wording this well nor am I very well informed just kinda going on a few words and an instinct of dis-ease): wanting to seek help but not have everything I say, click or look at followed and fed to an algorithm. Again, in the scheme of things my words are very small, my actions small. And I will not avoid feeding the machine altogether. Still, I wish to opt-out in places.
I really wish I understood things. Like my own motives, for instance.
ambivalent? avoidant? both probably.
if I'm so unhappy seeking support here, if I think it's so wrong.. then why am I here? Why are these words here? Going back on my sentiment not even an hour ago of not continuing to journal thoughts here..
am I truly feeding an algorithm (which I might oppose in principle if I understood it at all)?.. I don't know. I don't know what to believe. That's mostly due to a lack of information on my part. I could seek information but really? Like I care enough to do that. My principles? What principles? Is convenience a principle?
on the one hand something like cups would be social media for a good cause. on the other hand.. founded by a guy who got his seed money from Giggle...and apparently they've been up to some fishy business over there.
this world.. sigh. What will we become? If I'm any indicator, along with the masses, not much of anything good. Have these problems always existed? Yes, to some degree. People have always swayed the thoughts, beliefs, actions of others. Maybe I'm just a dinosaur or caveman and my first instinct when encountering ai is to kill it. Will there be a time we can be glad we saw it thru? Feeding our human error into a machine to predict for us our behaviors and thoughts... do we give up too much of ourselves? Can it eventually overcome our human folly? Will that even be a good thing?
back to my own little life (where I can not know such things)
I could seek help in person and cut out this dilemma altogether. If I weren't so weak, avoidant, lazy. If I were more patient. ... if I'd actually go thru the trouble of joining a group of others in person.
and it's not bad.. not meant to be bad all this online stuff. was meant to be a way to stay connected with friends, family, find groups of like-minded individuals and easily track down information, resources and news and libraries (to a degree) at your fingertips.
but when it is used against us, when they cater the information you receive.. that's playing God, trusting our lives to a model, an algorithm
when anyone who ever took a selfie is subject to providing the governments and militaries with information to advance facial recognition have we gone too far?
when google and other companies know not only what images you look at but length of time spent viewing an image.. it's all too far. To what end?
i realize now that no one here will implore me. I also believe I cannot be persuaded. My unease with cups grows even amidst some seemingly (or possibly actual) positive change. But how can it be positive? These mixed motives I see all around. And these "positive changes" that I see.. they are not for me. They usher in a new generation that will feed the machine. I'm an ambivalent puppet. But for how much longer?
cups has let me down. I try to deny it but it seems cups is part of the machine.
@themainjane There seems to be alot of focus on forced positivity doesn't there? I'm sorry you're feeling this way too :(
@mytwistedsoul
im okay with positivity. I'm no ok with being deceived. This is not the "safe place" it is touted to be. They know exactly what they do, where our information goes and to what cause and they've decided they don't care. If that's not both unethical and sinister then I don't know what is. They work to deceive and dupe the vulnerable masses. It's disgusting and alarming.
@themainjane You're right - they dont care. I dont think they've ever seen anyone here as more then anything but a number. They're discriminating some groups and don't address anything that people bring to their attention. They feel if you don't like it you can leave. Which seems like a really lousy way to treat members. The sad thing is - they fill a void for people and they know there will allways be other people to replace anyone that leaves
@mytwistedsoul
Indeed. They will have plenty of willing victims. I don't disagree that many are helped in small ways. But at what price? Unsusoecting members are not warned that their online footprint will feed a new way for the masses to be controlled. Instead, cups helps to load us on the freight containers to haul us to the awaiting big brother-esque future. Cups cannot say they are not culpable. They are part of this new and alarming, perhaps even evil, way.
@themainjane
I am a human being. A human being, not fodder for a machine. I am human. I will not submit willingly to these changes. You cannot have me. That's what being human is. Sad, that humanness is lost on you (cups). You're in bed with strange bedfellows. I guess I'll leave you to it. No algorithm can tamp the indomitable human spirit. At least not yet. Some day when this is all done and you surmise your handiwork, I hope you answer for it.
Social media is feeding artificial intelligence. And they work so very very hard to get everyone to participate on a larger, inclusive and ever-intrusive scale. They do this unethical and evil thing all the while proclaiming it is good. But their lies do not change the truth nor make their actions good or excusable.
If youre not paying for the product, then you are the product.
Its the gradual, slight, imperceptible change in your own behavior and perception that is the product.
Surveillance Capitalism
human futures at scale
almost no human supervision.
not our data being sold. They build models that predict our actions.
Dialing algorithms (to scale)
https://www.7cups.com/@NoneTheWiser
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
.. I'm so torn, I don't know what to do. I'm not even certain what is logical or best.
I spoke with a Listener who has always been patient, kind and honest with me. I shared my concerns over the direction I feared things were heading. I'm fairly certain that I may be both right and wrong in a way. It all depends on how you parse it. I do feel that ultimately it would land on one side more than the other if I just had the facts or understood how things work. However I doubt ever fully having the facts due to my limited comprehension and commitment and due to factors beyond my control too maybe?
I hate to think I played a part in your leaving, Wise. I know we each must do what we feel is best. I cannot decide if the good here outweighs the bad. Even as I wrote my disillusionment and fears regarding cups, I hoped they were not true. I sometimes state things as facts while I'm trying them out and questioning them - as in, not truly certain of their absolute truthfulness.
or maybe I'm just waffling Bc I'm weak.. which is more weak, staying or going? It really depends for me on what the truer truth is. A truth I do not know currently.
if either of you have any thoughts or information that would help reveal a truth, I welcome your input.
(it's such a shame for us to lose our connection but even that I can accept for the right reasons of course)
Sat 8:31a Sept 19
smetimes I get scared by how interconnected everything seems to be. (Ok, a lot of the time).
is there something fundamentally wrong with me that I fear connection with other people? Does everyone feel this way on some level? And if they do, how do they manage to forge ahead anyway?
i also fear I'm in great denial a few major things that are so difficult to face in my life that I more often than not choose to avoid them. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism. Do I have what it takes to face my fears? I haven't yet. They feel like they would end me (or I'm a lazy, avoidant) as if they're just the worst problems in the world. Sad thing is: they're most likely "fixable." If I'd face them and put in the work.
Spouse and I talked last nite. Was a good talk. And it's something that goes on the "pro" side (pro vs con) regarding continuing to reach out for my own support.
it's going to be scary finding out and owning up to how much of this is truly my problem and not his. It's kinda sad and scary I've let myself become this way.
if things are interconnected-- can I handle it? I don't know. Maybe I will have to. It definitely brings up my feelings of vulnerability. Being human - why does it hurt so much? I know there is beauty in the world of humanity. But it's so hard, so hard to feel some things. I'm not certain I'm ready to feel all those things. So I try to keep them at bay.
9.19.20 9:24a
i need to honor this life. I see how, in so many ways, I don't honor it. And in not honoring the gifts I've been given - my good fortune, my easy life lacking pain or grave misfortunes - I dishonor myself, my family, my ancestors, and those who do not have such an easy life.
God, please fit me for some type of service. Please begin a work in me that ends my shallow searchings and begins in me instead a work for something greater than myself. Please help me begin. Amen.
9.19.20 10:44a
my resolve is shaken so easily, seems to dissolve. just now while playing a stupid phone "game".. it seems to calm me and allow my mind to wonder about or sometimes work on a problem similar to thoughts in the shower or while washing dishes etc. .. anyway,
I had always thought these dream voices that come to me are a sign of stress. They appear often around the edge of sleep or seldomly I've been aware of them when I'm widely awake but highly stressed. I assumed that other than high stress moments where they've been present yet I know I'm fully awake, I'm actually already asleep and only think I'm vaguely awake. But it happened just now while I was definitely awake Bc I was playing my game. So I guess I'm not always asleep. Maybe almost asleep? And now the silence is ringing in my ears like a mild tinnitus, the buzzing.
i can't have cotton head today. I don't want it. I'll shake the cobwebs off and take a shower. I'm certain this is just what people go thru? (I'm not certain at all). But maybe it is.
Sunday Sept 20, 20 9:49a
seems like old times, going to be a good day.
thought of the old quote from that old Woody Allen movie. Altho it's like Cosby now and sort of tainted as we've learned too much of their personal lives, it's still nice to just take the quote for what it is:
"It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs."
and just for added fun Bc it actually made me chuckle out loud:
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."'
