things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
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Mon Sept 21, 20 12:46p
I've decided that I'm going to get a typewriter.
After a day of trying to journal by hand - just no. At least not right now. I've grown to accustomed to seeing neat print. My handwriting is not neat and is laborious. What's worse - I judge my personality in my own written hand. It is getting in the way. Maybe if I were truly stoic I'd push through and sit with this unease (and work on my penmanship). But. I don't know. That's a deep dive and right now I'm really just looking for a way to get words on paper without the added self scrutiny.
will have to think on this.
9.21.20 12:58p
so my bucket list of items I'd like in this life:
1. typewriter
2. spinet or upright piano (used, inexpensive - hope)
3. beginners modeling clay
each of these wishes/items comes with anxieties, of course, Bc I'm me.
modeling clay is cheap at a craft store (I think). But the cost to my esteem is not cheap if I suck at it or fail to come up with anything to make or can't get an idea to come out right. I know it takes practice. I'm not certain I'm ready.
same basically applies to piano along with the additional cost.
typewriters are not overly expensive but not cheap. Might can find one for around $200.oo
and since I never buy anything. (I still haven't bought my copper cleanser for pots/pans), I'm trying to justify this purchase. Further justification: immediate use and possibly with a positive purpose/outcome.
the possible positive outcome and the fact that I think I could get started using it regularly fairly quickly without too much guilt or self-sabotage (ha), makes this the obvious pick of the three.
still thinking. will see what spouse says. I'm sure he'll agree and be happy for me to have it.
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Wed Sept 23, 20 3:37p
can't get my typewriter soon enough. I looked for one today - out in the real world. It looks like it may be something that I have to order and have shipped or I don't know where to look for one.
just read a notification that definitely goes in the "con" list of pro vs con for remaining on cups.
if they are going to start a valuation system of what is deemed a positive or constructive forum post, no thank you.
im not really for that level of enforced positivity and I don't think it helps with transparency.
im beginning to wonder if this was the enforced positivity mentioned earlier in a conversation.
anyway, not impressed.
but maybe it'll keep them busy policing things and slow down the never-ending badge creation. .. sigh. They can just take a long walk off a short pier
I'm all for positivity, mind you. But authentic positivity. And as far as offering solutions if one is going to dissent or speak something deemed negative? That may be constructive, yes. But demanding it or face repercussions? No.
after all, what repercussions does cups face? None that I can see (as of yet). But someday if God in heaven is overlooking His preserves I hope the ones in charge get what they deserve.
@themainjane Hi :) I'm not sure where you may have looked but sometimes thrift shops have them, although it may be an old typewriter. Amazon and Wal-Mart online usually have different options from different venders, which can be helpful in terms of price. Best of luck to you on your typewriter quest.
@mytwistedsoul
thank you!
i tried Walmart (in person, yes - in person!).. I was too embarrassed to ask a sales clerk and it seems they do not carry them in actual store.
I will have to probably check online as yesterday was kinda my one-time shot at being anywhere as I'm still without transportation.
how have you been?? (no pressure to answer tho)
@themainjane EBay might be another idea. Depending on how you feel about eBay I guess.
At the moment - I feel ok but it might just be that I'm numb. Just found out on Sunday one of the dogs has cancer and doesn't have long. I'm sorry I can't frame that positively in accordance to the new rules lol
I like your tunes! :) not what I usually listen to but it sure is catchy
@mytwistedsoul
it's not what I usually listen to either, ha.
I'm so sorry to hear that one of your dogs is so unwell. Been there, it's difficult. I hope your dog can have some comfort in this time.
@themainjane Thank you - thank you for asking. I try not to bring my stuff into others people's threads but I don't like to lie either
this song has been in my mind Bc of the topic - freedom. And the choices one makes, finding happiness and truth (if that's even possible). gotta look past the stupid or irrelevant lyrics but the rest stand up pretty good.
Oh I like this version better. (And not for nothing - it reminds me of my experience here on cups. Like cups kinda as an entity or corporation). May not be what you want from me but I will have my freedom.
and yes, I do see my own part, my own culpability. I see it in part even if not fully. I'm sure it may can be clearer someday.
still I don't think that excuses the site or the creators of the site. I mean, c'mon. We come here seeking support (often in desperation) then many get hooked into the hope of support or the interchange here. But the design, the design was created I'm certain with much forethought and with knowledge of things those who seek help here are not privy to. I cannot square this with myself. I know that ultimately I will probably have to leave. Or drastically change the way I operate here. Such a bad taste tho.. will it fade? I don't know. Still waiting to see if there's any lesson for me in all of this or if it was just wasted time on my part. Buyer's remorse? Probably. Bittersweet? Definitely.
I had a cups counselor a few times. One particular time, cups didn't pay them. (They only get a nominal cut anyway).
i don't care who you are - that's bad business.
ive gone without - literally - to make payroll. If your priorities don't include paying those who render service, there's something fundamentally wrong with your core values and obviously something wrong with the way you conduct business.
that never set well with me. It's possible it was a snafu in some department somewhere and I hope it was rectified. will never truly know if my speculations are right or wrong. How could I know? But when I asked the man point blank, he lied. (Or perhaps he didn't know). And who knows who I was actually speaking with.
and every politician sings "all we have to do - is take these lies and make them true (somehow)"
sorry random nonsense from me now : )
This evening brings thoughts of repentance. I sow discord here. Why? It is not a good thing that I do.
I've only to concern myself with my own sin.
this evening also brings a song I've found comfort in from time to time. And reading a bit of how it came to be and the life of the man and family behind it ... I know I have nothing to fear. I know that I can take up the Lord's yoke and drop this heavy burden of myself if even momentarily. I can rest on the Lord. He is present and ever-willing to accept even my smallest efforts or moves in His direction.
my sin, (oh the bliss of this glorious thought), my sin - not in part but the whole - is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more.
(praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul)
**
and I should praise Him. I can barely comprehend it.. that He would be merciful to me even with all my transgressions.
but it brings me some comfort to think maybe He might. And that maybe I can do a bit better than I've been doing. I will need His help. I will need to call on Him. Left to myself I am proud, insecure, impetuous, unrestrained, unkind, judgemental.. the list goes on. But He loves me still. Perhaps He is waiting just for me to knock. And keep knocking, waiting for me to return over and over again until it becomes easier to stay longer with Him.
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Horacio Spafford's "It is well with my soul"
https://youtu.be/zY5o9mP22V0
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pain shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
(Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain)
9.24.20 9:20pm
this is why I'm hesitant to look further into things:
I have read in the past the Wikipedia page on both the song and Spafford. I must have not read the complete Wikipedia page on his life. Seems there is more to the story. I read how he and his wife left the church - at least to some degree- and struck out on some type of non/proselytizing missionary work. I figured this was still very much within an acceptable realm.
i contemplated checking to see if maybe he had written any books or if his philosophy or thoughts were out there somewhere by someone who had written about him. I felt the old tinge of "don't look to closely. If you go turning over rocks what will you do when you don't like what you find?"
but I did look thinking maybe his words might help me, strengthen my own spiritual quest.
i found a book by a gentleman, a Thomas E Corts, a university president - primarily in Alabama.
Seeking Solace : The Life and Legacy of Horatio G Spafford
Book Overview
Never had Horatio and Anna Spafford imagined that a family vacation to Europe would forever change their lives. In 1873, the ship Ville du Havre was nicknamed the "floating palace" -the finest, most luxurious steamer on the Atlantic. "Unsinkable" was the word used to describe her safety and sturdiness of construction. One week after departure from New York, unsuspecting passengers of the Ville du Havre were shuffled from their beds and flung into the dark Atlantic when their ship was dissected by another-the Loch Earn. Many lives were saved, but many were lost at sea, including the four daughters of Horatio and Anna. Heartbroken, Horatio put the ebb and flow of his emotions and faith to paper and penned the poem "It Is Well." Later, Philip P. Bliss, a well-known author of hymns and gospel songs, composed a melody, and the result was the hymn "It Is Well with My Soul," which has lent comfort to many grief-stricken souls. Too often the telling of the Horatio Spafford story ends with the writing of this hymn. Instead, Dr. Corts takes you to the end of Horatio and Anna's lives. After the shipwreck, the grieving Spaffords conducted a relentless search for spiritual guidance that ultimately led to Anna's declaration that she was a prophet of God. The years that followed were ones of spiritual and financial havoc for the Spaffords. What Dr. Corts's research revealed was that the Spafford story is an example of the indomitable human spirit to survive when faced with personal calamity. More importantly, it is the story of the devastating consequences that can occur when sincere, well-meaning Christians abandon the Bible as their guidebook and seek answers elsewhere.
as a child I reverently and carefully took things to God in prayer. I contemplated the words of the hymns, I wondered at times about the lives and times of those listed as having composed the lyrics or music. I though what faith they must have, what knowledge and talent. And what were the times like that shaped them? How might I gain a bit of this understanding they appeared to have?
short of seeing if something was at the local school library, my chances of knowing anything further than just the song in the hymnal were small. I was not one to push an issue or ask the librarian for any help or make a request. In fact, I would have even felt somewhat foolish to sheepishly come home with such a book tucked under my arm. Altho no one would've ridiculed me.. I prob would've actually been encouraged by my mother. But it was all too much for me to even ask the librarian or look thru an index.
did I even then at that tender age worry about seeking too much knowledge? I think I must've. I prayed God make me a janitor when I grew up just to keep my ego in check.
but inwardly I cried. Inwardly I mourned the loss of the life in academia I knew I'd never have. Not that I was so clever, (as clever as some who had made a life that way I had hoped), but if I applied myself and remained diligent was it maybe within my grasp?
It was not to be for me. This would be some of my dying to self. And I mourned the loss of what might've been.
but now.. now I wonder if when I came to God with my fears and hopes and struggles and despairs.. and when I came to Him with my contemplations so sweet and tender to me, if maybe that wasn't the best of it. I had already tasted the sweet nectar of what I sought. Further research wouldn't bring back the pureness of the original sentiments.
If there was a greater depth to be found. .. would I like what i found? Would it have enriched me?
I'm probably rambling by now. I've lost my train of thought as H has grown impatient with me. (I told him I'd only be a moment writing a thought)
but Corts was a university president. And it would appear he stayed close to the Bible. Maybe it's not wrong to seek answers? I know it's not wrong for others. Why do I feel it is then wrong for me? That's not very smart of me. I know knowledge is important. But is it for me? Is it meant for me? I do not know. Would it be wrong just to read the book? I don't know. Wrong may not be the correct word. "First, do no harm." I don't wish to do harm to myself. But maybe it's really just my own fear and insecurity. Surely I can handle finding out more truth, a closer look? A bit of examination. Perhaps I should pray on it. .. I once prayed for guidance. (But how did that work out?) (the failure was not in seeking guidance thru prayer - the fault was in me. I left the path. I didn't see it thru).
I'm useless today and the wind just blows and blows.
going to try to read something on resilience.
I might even have a typewriter in the shed. I once had a typewriter long ago. I cannot recall if it was still working the last time I tried it or if it eventually got thrown out.
but I really want a typewriter. I need to be less tethered to putting thoughts here. I need less time on the internet. But I also strongly desire to keep writing. Privately. I think.
I know at first I will miss the connection. But nothing is getting done this way as I too constantly check back here to reread my words.
i think if I had them in physical form - and private - that it would cut out a portion of this rechecking and open up more space for me to chore as I should. And maybe, somehow, quieten my thoughts to where they might settle on something long enough for solutions to form.
also, I'm still undecided on reading this book on charlatans of the faith.
to tackle the great and classic philosophers I think is too much for me presently. But that doesn't mean I must bind my time or thoughts to these lesser.
you'd think that maybe I'd just break down and pray or read the Bible. Both have been difficult for me. I had less luck reading the Bible as a child than with prayer. So many things I did not understand and the pitfalls and snares were many for a troubled mind such as mine.
always, always the two sides there: God on behalf side, my own corrupt will on the other. And often my own thoughts or what would seem the work of some undoer whispering in my ear.
Yesterday: "how did that work out?" is that self-talk? Surely it is, but because of my close ties to religion/spirituality as a child my mind wants to think it's the work of a dark force. These negative thoughts sent to maim, twist and destroy. Who sent them? The depths of myself or something outside of me?
in the end it doesn't matter. Only overcoming them matters.
home now. alone all day, quiet, still.
would be so easy to give in. sleep, do nothing. I might.
still never got a typewriter. cancelled my phone counseling yesterday, withdrawing into myself.
been reading "to a mouse" several times.
the future looms - dreadful, afraid. the present, wasted.
"For promised joy..." backwards cast my eye, And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear
I wait in life as in death. I wait in life. Shallow ponder held by short-sight, lacking breadth and depth. Life mused similar to death, quickly I'm found out, found wanting. To look further I cannot, thought-humbled and warned against folly.
The poem To A Mouse shows us lacking. In anthropomorphism we show our hand. To give the mouse everything but then take back. The same mouse that can plan for a future is then told it cannot think of the future or the past or have desires, fears. How are we to know? And if you will apply it human then don't deny it these as well.
maybe it's not anthropomorphism. I hardly grasp the concept. Or the differences between it, personification or some other.
but I do know at least when something is lacking (I think). But, as we all are. Still do not ode and then take back. Dominant philosophy then and even exists today.
And this:
"Thou saw the fields laid bare an' waste,
An' weary winter comin fast,
An' cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell-
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro' thy cell."
I cannot help but think of my life, this body. To turn to God my only recourse?
@themainjane You've been in my thoughts the past few days - I hope that you're doing ok
@mytwistedsoul
I am! I've been doing better overall recently. Still ups and downs but better. So kind of you.
how have you been?
@themainjane I'm glad to hear that you're better over all. Those ups and downs keep things - interesting don't they? Like you're a walking roller coaster ride 😋
For the most part I think I'm ok lol - one day at a time mostly - thank you for asking
