things

Been working albeit sporadically - too sporadically - on restoring some of my faith.

My spouse prays over our evening meal. and when we have time during his workday mornings, and a bit more often during the weekends, we read from a few daily readers meant to stimulate a more devotional mindset and guide our steps that day.

it's still hit and miss both in practice and reception. but a thing in progress hopefully.

He often directs me to the Jesus Prayer when I'm struggling in any way.

He found great comfort in this prayer while incarcerated and says he continues to use it when stressed, distraught or angered, in need of calming or humility.

recently he suggested I pray it and I did briefly but it was in the middle of the night and I was not so focused. But the next day I prayed it repeatedly while performing a chore. I had a good long time at it, not quite an hour. I found that between each repetition and during each repetition I prayed many other prayers as well. Even in just the short time between words which seemed to stretch out as if time had allowed for more time and space. Perhaps this is part of the meditative process, this opening up to allow for more or other things.

the Jesus Prayer as I understand it to be goes like this:

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

it is beautiful in it's simplicity. At different times different words in the prayer can be thoughtfully considered.

another thought that struck me the other day came from a daily reading from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest."

the words were "never the less, Thy will be done."

I think it was just in the commentary section by another person. But the spelling struck me and added an emphasis I had not considered in the word "nevertheless." I had thought of it as just a descriptive word like "regardless" or "however." But the separating of the word into three parts gave it new meaning to me: never the less (do not choose the less).

"never the less. Thy will be done." Amen.

I am also working on learning the morning prayers for my own benefit and because they are dear to my spouse.
I do not pretend to know much of the Orthodox faith and I hope I'm not doing a disservice by including a portion here but this is another part of what I may try to learn - and the reasons and meanings behind the words or actions, thoughts involved. A portion of morning prayer listed below:

Lord help me. Please have mercy on me for I know I am a sinner. When unvirtous women, or women I suspect as unvirtous, contact my spouse even though it is only for work I become worried. I fear their intentions or desires, I fear the desires that may be in my own husband's heart or mind.

I'm beginning to occasionally get to a place where I can recognize that this fear, this fault lies in me - not them or my husband. He has proven himself to be increasingly trustworthy and my fears I bring to you, my God. Please help me to bring these only to You and not to overly burden my husband with my petty concerns and the false accusations of my mind. Keep my own sun before me to humble me. Help me please dear God to do Your will in this, if it be Your will which surely I pray it must be because it would seem to make sense. Help me release other women and my husband from my wrong and harmful thoughts. Don't let me be ensnared by these thoughts that serve no one. Help me find goodwill in my heart. Help me to keep focused to myself and my own sin and to rest in the assurance that you love us all and value the sanctity of our marriage union as I believe he and I both do as well. Thank you dear God for your mercies in restoring the path before me. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Mighty and Living God, One with the Holy Immortal, and in union with the Holy Spirit; blessed Trinity; be with me and with us all. Amen.

So I'm running thru these dishes and I'm running thru my mind. I'm trying to keep a pace ahead of a bad idea. Smell of chemicals on my fingertips, steel wool and cleansers.

yesteday cups censor computer decided to eat my journal entry. maybe that won't happen today. It's a shame. What I felt I was saying to myself in that moment was important to me but it's lost now as I tend to forget things or cover them up.

i woke up about 5:20am and started making breakfast. I dozed off for about an hour maybe around 8am. I woke up from a song dream. Another one of those with complete lyrics and musical accompaniment. If the words stay with me long enough I google to see if it's a song I've heard before or an "original" from my mind.

usually bits of pieces things strung together from other songs but with my twist. And I can't write music for instruments. I usually lose almost the lyrics before I can even write them down. Dreams are so fleeting. But I suppose it's not important. Just something that pleases me but hasn't ever exactly lit me on fire.

guess I'm more of a listener of music than anything else. Unfortunately listening to music usually leads to me wanting to twist off. At least get drunk. But those days are long gone and I'm holding tight to this new way. Weird how it kinda still takes me to that place. Kinda like losing emotional sobriety.. but I crave it still. That special place, chasing a dream, a feeling.

it'll pass and until then I'll keep it to myself. To mention it to my husband would be sheer stupidity. ... I don't think he has another relapse in him. Not one that would end well. It would surely mean the loss of many things for us both.

so, life continues. Music, cigs, sunshine, wind, and dishes.

feels like progress even still.

it's cold. Been cold all day and going to get colder. I don't feel like I've really gotten warm all day.

soon to start the second push. This life so strange. All I can think is how altho it's cold it can't be as cold as death. Altho death doesn't feel anything once it's done, I'm sure.

so strange to move boxes and clunk down the stairs with a dolly knowing that right below our feet is death. Why I can't just be normal about it like everyone else I do not know. Won't be paying homage this time since covid. But in my steps as I tread above your resting body I will try to go quietly, quietly down the steps, quietly passed the window, avoiding the door that enters onto your earthly remains.
how strange this life is.

and as I was alone and the old house creaked for a moment the old familiar - a feeling of a presence. Not you, I don't think, not this most recent, but something, something. My dog noticed too. I ignored and went on about packing boxes. To put my dog at ease. As for myself, I was mostly at ease for this is no unfriendly spirit. Just a stirring, a curiosity. We give each other respect? I don't peer into the abyss and to be kind the abyss doesn't disturb me back. I know all this is folly.

but I swear if you were there it'd make you think twice. It always used to make me think twice. Dare not look too close. Might uncover revelations I did not intend to. Revelations such as if I don't believe in ghosts or the supernatural then can I logically say I believe in God? What is this feeling of a presence? What are these sounds? Just an old house. It's only my mind that wants to believe or not believe, giving them meaning?

but I know I'll have to shake it off for all this talk. If I were walking by that window alone at night feet from your corpse all I'd think and feel and know is the dead, the dead, the dead.

In other and more laughable news and just because I find it slightly annoying, I'm going to comment on this talk of banners: it's mentioned as it if it's some type of super power. I'm sure it's just a difference of opinion on the meaning of the word "power."

I only find it mildly alarming if it's use is to somehow try to manufacture a power imbalance dynamic.. words like "behavioral rating system" seem strange when viewed in this light. Altho the supposed intended meaning is actually quite the opposite.

power to the powers that be, I guess. And good luck with that ; )

Jan 12, 2021 8:51am

last night at the apartment I stayed focused and stayed on it. Discovered that baking soda is one heck of a cleaner and brightener. I knew it for laundry but hadn't realized how it would clean painted kitchen cabinets. .. that place and what I did to it. Anyway, the living amends continues day by day, chipping away. Getting it back to clean.

came across some alcohol. And altho I should've thrown it away right then and there, I boxed it up instead. Didn't tell spouse. Gonna sit on it for awhile and think about it.
it's not that drinking would be so bad, it just wouldn't be so good. For me it would be.. what would it be? Probably not any great harm overall. But to my spouse I think it would cause discomfort and disappointment and put him in the precarious position of asking himself if he shouldn't just have a drink too.

and then it'd be bad. So, just gonna sit with this knowledge and bide my time. We have choices. Our choices have possible consequences. These consequences are probably not what we'd desire. How many different ways do I have to say the same thing? How many ways to leave the same thing unspoken, the possible conclusion or conclusions. I guess as many times as it takes to keep not making a poor decision.

January 14, 2021 9:15am

hopefully this is obscure and buried enough as to not be a bother to anyone. I'm conflicted with this still being under the trauma section Bc at this point it's just me trying to get thru each day and not specifically centered around "trauma" altho it may still color each day. It is kinda like a thought in the back of my mind that never fully goes away. Anyway.

realized I've been struggling with indecision a very long time now. This morning is an example. Can't decide what to have for breakfast or even if I should have breakfast. Can't decide whether to freeze the leftover ham and cornbread individually, make something with it for dinner tonite or make a dish and freeze that. Can't decide whether to start on dishes or laundry or taking down the Christmas decorations.

the Christmas decorations have become a chore hanging over my head. Why I don't just pack them away so I can at least feel better about that? Everything seems daunting or undesirable.

so I finally just made myself make a decision and started some laundry just before starting this entry. My days are completely unstructured and maybe that's to my detriment. Trying to build in structure is not something I'm very good at doing because I lack discipline, follow-thru and perseverance. Everything becomes this drawn out ordeal to me.

(forgetting my thoughts)

oh. These rules I've set up for the way things should be done are not helping me. But I'm hesitant to give them up. I get so stuck in my ways. Example: if I'm doing laundry that means I can't use water for dishes. If I'm doing dishes I won't use water for laundry. Showering must be done when laundry isn't running etc.
but seeing as how I'm pretty much doing good to do a task at all I guess I'll shelf multi-tasking for later when I've got tasking down a bit better.

I am boiling some ham bones and ham scraps for a stock/broth for my dog. Even that is prob progress while laundry is washing. I'm trying to wrap my mind around tackling these Christmas ornaments.
I wanted Christmas to be nice this year but it was mostly a challenge and most of it was filled with some degree of strife (my doing) and anxiousness on my part. I mostly cast a dark cloud over all the things I had wanted to be nice. I put so much importance on it in my mind because of the constant worry over whether this would be our last Christmas together and worries over what January might hold.

for some reason I just knew our attorney would be calling in January to tell us the trial was moving forward -- the trial that I fear will separate us. But I can't deal with him going away..I don't want to think about that possibility and how hard it will be, how much my heart will ache and his as well. And I guess it's not productive to give any thought energy or emotional upset over to that thought today. Barring a phone call from our attorney, that I cannot foresee or predict, there's no reason to go down that mental/emotional trail.

it's always there. It ties into the "trauma". It's like waking in a tent on a camping trip and knowing that just outside is your campfire and the head the trail. It's ever/present and never far from your thoughts. Something you must be mindful of: a campfire, a trail (whether in or out).

but the laundry is going. This is a good thing. Better than not. Today the wind is going to blow. It's been so muddy which is also depressing. Summer mud is okay, less daunting because so much easier to just let fur babies stay outside longer or rinse puppy paws from a garden hose. Winter snow/mud is just depressing Bc it means constant vigilance for muddy paws coming into the house, dirty towels (for paws) and even then the floors still get mud spots and it's just so darn depressing and stressful to me. I should be ashamed that that's all it takes to overwhelm me. But most things do overwhelm me.

I spend my days struggling in a wasteland of anxiety or depression but in small enough degrees that nothing ever really comes to a head. Waiting. I spend my days anxiously waiting or dulled by slight depressions.

but dammit, I'm doing the laundry. Dammit, please God, you now how useless I am. Help me. And I'm sorry that I'm this way. Trying to pray while simultaneously cursing.. wanting to chore but not really wanting to. One step away from starting an argument or doing something else stupid. Giving in to all my base desires. But this is me and it's not new to You. This is me in my fallen state and I can't be spiritually better right now and do the laundry/chores. Unfortunately God, this is all I can offer. It's not enough I know. Guess it is what it is. I'm stubborn in my vice.

Friday January 15, 21 10:10am

woke up late. did go to bed but didn't sleep until very late. I know it was after 4am.
but just woke up and it feels more manageable today. Burden has lifted. That apartment, finding that alcohol. Took 3,4 days to get back to stable over it. Need to go again tonite.

and this is my life, and this is what I just have to keep doing -- getting knocked off balance in some area of life followed by several days of being off-kilter until I feel balanced enough to try again. I wouldn't even say I ever reach "balance" or "stable" but I get better enough to make an attempt again and whatever destabilized me. I guess that's just life. Maybe it's harder for some people, I don't know. I don't know if the rest of the world, most people, are better at it and I'm just inept or if things hit me harder, I struggle more for some stupid reason.

i think it might be a bit of both. But I know people have struggled similarly and far worse and yet they've managed to adjust, manage/address their difficulties and overcome. I want to be one of those people. It's all in the effort and I need to work on it when I can, when I have my good days. I also have to work at sticking with what I can during the bad days. Some days I have. So that's hopeful. Won't look at how far I have to go just now. Maybe just facing the morning is enough. Thank goodness I woke to a better mood/mindset. I don't like this cycle of things just hanging on me like a cloud or a burden. But until I can figure out how to stop it I'm just going to have to keep trying and stay, knowing it will pass - and my latest trick just in the last year or so - pushing just a little bit at times even before it has passed. Trying to shorten these downtimes.