things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
Sunday January 17, 2021 7:30am
just woke up thinking it was a workday. So glad to realize it's a Sunday morning coming down instead. The morning sky is pretty and I'm going to make biscuits. Was pleasantly surprised with how my first batch came out and they were a hit with H. And I got to use up some of my soured milk (that was the real reason I made them and looking forward to using more up today. Besides I make up sausage biscuits he can then take to work for a quick and ready breakfast. This time I'm making enough to freeze and will see how that works out).
yesterday we did something his way and it wasn't the end of me ha. And it honestly came about due to a comment from someone on cups chat. Probably a young guy in his early twenties even, not sure but strikes me as that. Who knew? Turned out to be just the thing we needed: me realizing that my way is not the only right way.
and after learning to soften/be reasonable and give someone else's idea a chance, things were going so well that we came home and had a pizza and movie night. Watched a movie H had been wanting to show me (the kind that I'd normally not be so keen on watching for it's sci-fi or apocalyptic themes). But it was a good movie if not a bit unrealistic to me in the end: I think being scientists hopefully the two old school dudes would've realized that they had to continue forward to K23 to add manpower in the cause of continuing mankind's survival.
but again, the important part is that he wanted to do something or share something with me and I was receptive.
things were going so well that after the movie we had a talk on things. I was able to learn a little more of what it was like for him in solitary confinement and what part brought him to want to seek God. Confessed to him that I'd been slipping in my spiritual search. (Did not share with him how I had been wanting a drink lately but thinking of how hard it was for us both with the things we faced while he was in and how we were both just kinda laid bare and humbled before God with only Him to rely on, it made me long for that type of humbleness of spirit, desperation, willingness that we found ourselves in back then).
he told me that he had had a slip dream. And how it helped him realize that he really wanted to stay sober.
so, life continues and thankfully so! Hoping to make it a good day.
February 2, 2021 10:40am
was reminded not long ago of a piece of hymn.
I'm sporadically reminded of bits of hymn and I still find it sort of surprising. In my mind I often hear my grandmother singing these hymns. I was unaware she sang that often. Or perhaps I just remember her that way as I remember her singsong voice when she'd lie with us at nights in either my "mother's room" or aunt's childhood bedroom. I cherish those memories. I can recall thinking at the time that I hoped I could engrave them into the memory of my mind. I'm so glad it actually came to be. To her her voice brought to me all these years later is an unexpected gift that just comes to me to comfort at times, made even more precious because it isn't conjured but just appears on occasion. Her voice, her lovely simple voice, not ornate but ordained with the goodness of home and hard times overcome. That generation seemed to have a way about them - they had been through much but it needn't be spoken. It made them almost saintly in my eyes, not difficult at all to respect such elders. I was in awe of their quiet strength which could not be hidden even if not spoken, they simply exuded it.
my grandmother, a cherished gift: this morning's hymn/thought/singing voice "when I fall on my knees with my face to the rising sun, O Lord, have mercy on me."
thank you, MeMaw. I love you.
@themainjane Its been nice reading your words again. Mine used to sing too - gospel. She sang at church too - I miss hearing it sometimes
@mytwistedsoul
im so glad to hear from you today! I've been thinking of you. In fact, I even read a few of your more recent entries just before coming back to read my own entry from earlier today.
it seems this struggle of life continues for us all. If I had written just two hours after my post this morning it would've been thru tears and a sinking feeling, because they too come out of nowhere just as quickly and easily as a brief moment of lightness or comfort might. Life.. it's a trip, eh?
anyway, don't ever feel badly about anything you write. And I mean more your personal journal even than here but here as well. In a way it gives me courage that had I wanted to write two hours later that now my world felt nowhere at least it wouldn't be a thing uncommon to the human condition.
grandmothers are very special and I'm so glad you have your memories too.
as this day comes to a close, I hope you are feeling better. I seem to be. If nothing else than maybe because the day is done. Made it thru another one heh. Hang in there, dear soul.
@themainjane I'm glad your night ended on a better note. It was sweet to read about the lengths you both went to getting the little mouse out to safety. Not many people would do that - not for a mouse. It says alot about you both
Thank you - I'm trying to hang in there - it's hard - some days more then others. It is what it is though I guess
Take good care of yourself Jane - your husband too - the world needs more good hearted - mouse rescuing people in it
@mytwistedsoul
agree. And the world needs more people that say "it is what it is"
you saying that caused a moment of cheer in me. I'm sure someday I'll hate that saying but right now it's still working for me so it pleases me to see others use it too.
February 2, 2021 Tuesday 11pm
tonite we watched "The Dig." Very pleasantly surprised. enjoyed many aspects of the movie. the name is a bit underwhelming and to me doesn't seem to do justice to the hidden film gem this little movie is. A very nice way to pass an evening.
in the middle of the movie (intermission) I was up to take a smoke break and noticed a little field mouse hopping down the hall. So H, myself, black dog, and lil man (our youngest and a cat) set out to find where it hopped off to. We searched the two spare bedrooms and the second bath and after upturning most drawers and closets and much shuffling about of boxes, we found him in the second bedroom closet. Lil man was very keen to help but we had to keep him from harming our new little houseguest. H got him coaxed into a small lidded box and I took him outside safely away from our cats. I sat on the steps to have my cigarette and waited for the mouse to leave. It stayed where I had plopped it out and I feared maybe it had been ill. H said it was most likely only afraid. I figured it was a 50/50 chance whether I had put it back outside near its den since we've only the two doors or two sides to our home really. Couldn't help thinking of "to a mouse" and I wondered how cold of a night is too cold for a mouse. I tried to shoo it in the direction I figured might lead it best towards shelter and then let it be. So am hoping he or she found shelter. I'm not an animal rights activist or anything but I definitely prefer not to harm living things in my vicinity especially while they still have life in them. Life wants to live.
... it's maybe sort of peculiar to us as humans that we seek our own end at times senselessly or needlessly when most of the animal kingdom has figured out that surviving is a good thing and not up to much philosophical debate as death will come soon enough to us all anyway - no need to seek it.
so got the little mousie as sorted as it was going to be and finished our movie. Called H "Mr Basil" as we were washing our hands in second bathroom just to be safe even though we didn't touch the mouse directly. Our fur babies thought all this was well and good and were pleased with this evening's distraction. I also like to think they like to see me and mr h getting along. I know it pleases me and I'm pretty certain it pleases him. We may not have children to teach or share life with but we have each other to entertain and encourage and that's a lot.
i like this version "to a mouse" an animated recital
altho I think we may do animals a disservice in speculating what they may or may not think. Surely they fear things too, hope things too. They live as we do it would seem with past, present and future in mind at least in degrees. I guess I'm speculating too. But life is curious in just how much is mystery to all of us, I guess.
Comparison. Is it the stealer of joy or necessary for some semblance of objectivity/perspective?
i dunno. Realized that some people lack self-awareness (by this I mean "awareness of themselves in their relation to others") to the point I shrink back in annoyance or disgust. Am I shrinking back from what I fear I'm guilty of myself? Maybe. Not to the degree of this other person but considering our age difference and my supposed lived experience/maturity, yeah, it's not good.
but bigger problems: I do nothing all day.
about the only thing I accomplished today was chatting on cups (not to much useful end save a few moments), showering and not being able to remember how long ago I took my latest Ibuprofen (which I pop like Pez candies now).
already the tooth pain. Am I supposed to take three ibuprofen every two hours?.. seems excessive. This pain just won't stay gone.
it did last night long enough for us to have an enjoyable evening.
and it won't be forever. I do see the oral surgeon next week for first consultation. And altho I may need another round of antibiotics or something I'm hoping they can tell me what to do for the pain that doesn't have me just lingering in pain or gargling saltwater, brushing my teeth all the time or using clove oil. My ear even aches. Maybe sinus pressures are adding to it. Anyway. Perspective: this will pass.
but what won't pass is my languishing, my aimless drifting.
so I contacted my old counseling place today. Can really only get them by submitting a form. They don't really take calls. Guess it's a lack of staff/volume of calls deal. Student interns place. Hoping to hear back from them despite all of that.
was watching Bob Ross Bc I got it in my head that might be soothing. But it really wasn't. I shouldn't have read the behind the scenes articles, I guess. But it did make me kinda yearn for a piano. Painting isn't my thing. But I need something that can be my own. Maybe it could be the piano again.
and maybe I could use it as a way to build in a reward for myself or structure. something.
I realize that I feel very alone. I guess I don't have that right. My life would be as full or fuller than a lot of people that either are single or married with no kids. It's just that most of them I assume work. Without work to fill all those empty hours it's just me here.
but I don't really want to be with anyone. Don't want anyone out to the house or to go anywhere or even have coffee with anyone, friend or family. I have no real in life friends so it'd be coffee with my mother. And I should do that. I just never do. I never want to get out and leave the house or have to put in the effort to have a conversation.
so maybe it's not even aloneness that's bugging me. It's probably my lack of productivity/lack of ambition or desire to do most things. I mentioned that in the summary of why I'm seeking counseling along with other reasons.
i just thought if I had a piano it would be something to do, something to look forward to, a cause. The effect a mood lift, sense of expression, learning something, applying myself. I don't understand which is cause or effect. I don't even know what I'm saying.
all I know is my tooth hurts, my ear hurts, the sun is setting, I'm alone. The wind is gonna blow tomorrow. That's gonna suck. It affects my mood and with this tooth maybe even my sinuses.
but when I read of others plights on here in chat, I should be ashamed of myself. So many people have real problems and I can't even figure out how to live my life when I don't even have a problem.
never found my typewriter. Forgot about my typewriter. It was supposed to solve the problem of me writing on here all the time.
something else but I forget.
sometimes I don't know why I'm alive? For what? To waste this life?
I think it was helping me when I wrote all this here. Thinking back to the days of choring. I was just as alone then as I've always been.
somehow it felt more important or poignant to write about it. And it kept me from the trap of getting lost in endless hours of chat.
eventually, and little by little, I was beginning to get things done.
and nothing had changed. Just the sense of it had to me. Bc for some reason writing things here seems important to me. And maybe eventually I figure something out.
i try to reason that maybe I'm not hurting anyone with all these endless words. No one need read them. Just them being here seems to be the greatest importance to me: I was here. This is what I did. This is what I didn't do. Here's how it all went.
and I guess the hope in all of this as that I'll learn something, grow somehow.
@themainjane Your words aren't hurting anyone. They're for you - this space is your space. To write whatever is in your head - your heart. Things that maybe weigh on you and it does help to keep track of things - the good - the bad :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
the good measure
versus
the denom of pride
***
act of obedience
Good Lord, show me the way.
my heart, my spirit, seems to be fighting this new way so foreign to me. Am I to mix the two? My old way of going to God with this new way? It frightens me, confuses me; I feel forlorn.
still, this must be good. For it is the awakenings again of Spirit stirring within me. So I'll try not to shun the discomfort as I know each person must work out their faith in trembling and fear.
___
from Phillippians 2
Unity Through Humility
1Therefore if there is any [a]consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
The Humbled and Exalted Christ
5Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6who, being in the form of God, did not consider it [b]robbery to be equal with God, 7but [c]made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. 9Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Light Bearers
12Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
February 10, 2021
Wednesday 8:15am
tomorrow I have my wisdom tooth extracted. I'm not looking forward to the procedure but am looking forward to being rid of this pain.
for weeks now I've been struggling with sometimes fairly severe pain (to me). It's only in the last two days (today beginning the third) that I've found something that mostly keeps it at bay - and thankfully so.
i felt so inadequate going to the oral surgeon's office. What would the people there think of me? I always feel like this sort of freak amongst men (and women). If they thought anything negative of me they mercifully kept it to themselves. I have to remind myself that I'm only there because I need to be, that I'm in need of their services.
and on that same note of being in need of services (or at least desirous of them), the counselor from the counseling place got back to me yesterday.
I had finally decided to reach out for counseling again. Decided to go to the place I had been before where I saw a lovely student intern. Altho she has graduated and moved on I'm hoping I can make a connection with someone else at their facility and that maybe they can help me.
things are going well with H. I'm hoping I'm on my way back to a more focused and productive stretch - especially once this tooth is gone. I am afraid of what I might say when I'm under the gas. It is something I should probably pray about, for God to guard my thoughts and tongue (always really) but for right now especially at that time.
we did some morning readings. One dealt with persecution for God's sake and trials to come and to be endured.
I must remind myself that it is not talking about us but about those who truly were persecuted and truly did suffer for God's sake. It's difficult for me to become mindful of the distinction. I falsely and faultily compare our situation and the actual and possible pending trial to the admonishments, advices and encouragements spoken of in the verse. I know I need God to help me with this because I'm not able to become objective or hear what is actually being taught in the words, so clouded my thoughts which obscure clearer vision.
I have built idol upon idol high and deep and for so long now that when I do endeavor to set out on a clearer path I can scarcely find it. I don't find it really - it's more like I pull a useless or destructive bauble from the trash heap of idolatry before me and fling it momentarily to the side. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm staring at a garbage mound, all these false ideas in my mind to tear down, (far far away from false lights let my mind come to call home), God be with me, help me to see the way, show me Your way so that I may begin, amen.
February 12, 2021 9:53am
tooth is out. went well overall and with the removal of the tooth and root, so went the pain.
now I'm back to my everyday struggle. What is it that holds me stuck in place? Is it traumatic experiences (or what I deem traumatic at least)? Is it my conditioned response to these thoughts? (which seems to be hide and wait even unto the point of stagnation). Whatever it is, it has outlived it's usefulness as a coping mechanism yet still I cling stubbornly to it.
a thought comes from the past, a worry for the future. How to stop worrying over the future when it is so tied to the past? And the past scares me. It doesn't scare me in the sense that I fear any repetition of events. Now I only fear consequences. And consequences alone seem enough to keep me anchored like a dead weight, like some kind of groundhog day or an image of a short clip stuck on replay, comes these images: an anchor sinking to the water's floor, only the illusion of finality or rest, before sinking and falling again. perpetual state of a foregone conclusion, a permanence so holding but never quite met: the loop, the futility, the waiting for something already done but not here yet. a trap, a closed circuit, waiting and waiting. Stuck on repeat.
can I learn? Can I stop this? If only I were smarter? More ambitious or focused? After all, this is my life - if I don't fix it no one will. But I don't.
I think this is part of why I used to like some of Poe. Often I was fond of some of his word choices, the easy way they fit together almost singsong with the rhyming, simple but really spot on. But more than that he captured the feelings surrounding hope - hope lost, hope wished for, lamented or despair, hope futile and desperate, clawing. Hope dashed but sought.
My words aren't working out here but somehow he captured that obsession with just how absurd we are, how sealed in our own vacuous states we become when trying to use both our reason and our irration to come at a problem. The way we are created to know things while still never knowing quite enough to solve our problems or figure out our existence -- it's origins, meanings or resolution. Still we must not lose our heads by giving up hope. Neither seems rational.. what is rational? The game truly does seem fixed. It isn't. But it might as well be because we lack the aptitude or abilities to solve this riddle of our existence. So we are left in this lesser and fallen state to go thru life thinking and speaking from both sides of our minds and mouths, our secret desires and secret hearts hidden and unknown maybe even to us or perhaps mercurial in their ever-changing. Simply put: we do not know. We scarcely even know to guess at what we do and do not know and it's quite possible that like the movie saying goes (which I never saw funny enough) "'we' can't handle the truth."
im rambling and this is a convoluted mess. I should probably leave philosophy or my own thinking to someone more qualified - the professionals. (Even tho an armchair warrior would do)
the truth of our messed up lives. Psychic hearts go out to you. And it's wrong wrong wrong and everything I do or think is sinning. It's not even so bad that I'm not that smart. That's not even the problem. The sin is in posting, the lack of self-denial. Why.. why does it have to be wrong? My weary mind wonders. Self-indulgence or self-expression? Are they one and the same? Anyway, this is a right mess and I'll stop here.
listening just now to that song I try to figure out what was me and what wasn't. All the things I saw, the people I knew - the things they went thru. And somehow it seeped into me. I was vicarious. Even these things I can't keep straight.
so burn it down? Yes, burn it down. But I want to both hold on and let go. I need to let go.. it doesn't serve me well? I could let go if I could just figure it out, make peace. Peace will not come. So I let go without answers, without knowing? Seems the logical answer might be yes but I'm not certain. Is life supposed to be a series of letting go even when we don't want to? Maybe. Maybe this is the only way to let in anything new. But does that even make sense? Why not both? Why can't we have both? We were never made to have both, we just can't handle it and the conflict is so great, that these two things so disparate in nature are both desired. Life is choices? I don't know but if so, do these varying and dissimilar choices lead down the same path, does the outcome depend on what we choose to keep, what we serve? Do we even have any control over our choices or the outcome? I don't know. Should we even try? Yes, perhaps we should try. Will we? Remains to be seen, implemented. Trying/effort not my strong suit. I don't even seem to desire it.
God, if it be Your will, change me. Make me desire, endeavor, help me try. In anything. Help me slough off this old way of thinking, doing - being. As if it were who I am. Help me see the error in my thinking, help me to try today thru right actions. God, just help me do the dishes, the laundry, not argue with H. I guess Lord, create in me a resolve to do better and to put it in action. Just for today. Carry me thru the moments of today when my thoughts would stray down old thinking patterns that keep me stuck in the waiting room of my life, this life that you've given me (if you are real and any of this is true).
at any rate, one thing is certain: one more cup of coffee while I resist still planted with my feet pointing backwards. Then maybe, dishes. It's snowing. I'm stuck pondering why we never really change from our formative years or our adolescent way of thinking. Or is it just me? Applying worn out solutions that never worked even then. When is it enough already? When will I grow tired of returning to this sloth and waste and excess of mind like a dog returning to its vomit.
soon..sigh. (Maybe). One more cigarette, one more song, one more anchor forever sinking, one more denial of impending and worrisome future. Is it any wonder I cast my thoughts back when forward is so unknown and I'm fearful of it? But come on, can't I be smarter than that? Don't I want anything good at all? The only way to get it is to acquire it thru effort. The only effort I know to do is the dishes or laundry. It will have to be enough. And even if I do them with my thoughts stayed on the past or on wrong thoughts, even if I do them as a dog choking on its own vomit, wolfing it down basely, heatheningly as if both to hide and relish/covet its own indiscretion, even if I do them this way at least they will have been done, the laundry, the dishes.
@themainjane I'm glad you got the problem tooth taken care of - it's a relief when the pain goes away. I think any pain involving the head is often the worst - but that might just be me
I sometimes wonder if what seems as being stuck in place really isn't sometimes - what if we're slowly moving forward but it's in fractions of millimeters - like the width of a hair - so tiny it's allmost imperceptable
I may be mis reading this - but if something - that really causes no physical or mental or emotional harm to anyone - I don't think it should be considered a sin - if it bring you even just a moment of relief or peace of mind - that would be a good thing - yeah? A blessing even - I would think
:) I had to google arm chair warrior - interesting results lol
Choices can be hard to figure out - what makes you pick one thing over another - why go through this door but not the one down the hall. I think sometimes it's because there's no agreement between heart - mind and soul. My grandmother used to say that your soul knows the way but your mind over analyzes the directions and your heart wants what it wants - they key is to get them to compromise - but in all honesty - I'm still not sure what that means
You said you reached out again to a counselor - It's really great :) It can be so hard to do that - scary even. Maybe you're not where you want to be right in this moment - but maybe you're where you need to be right now and will reaching out to a councelor again - that's a big step forward. Let yourself have a moment of pride for that :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for all your words. This especially causes me to pause and I think I might keep it somewhere to mull over:
My grandmother used to say that your soul knows the way but your mind over analyzes the directions and your heart wants what it wants - they key is to get them to compromise - but in all honesty - I'm still not sure what that means
***
also, I really ought to google the meaning of words before using them myself. I kinda like to throw out a word or term and then go check and see if I was right. .. talk about giving words your own meaning smh. I'm not likely to stop this practice altogether Bc I seem to get a kick out of it.
**
thank you for your presence here. I hope you are doing well. ..so wrapped up I am in my own little world. I'm hoping in time I might not always be as self-involved... there's just not much room for others to get in. But soon, soon a break in the cocoon, forcing myself to chip out from this shell. (Counseling begins in a few days if weather permits).
@themainjane You're welcome - it's ok ya know? Its your world. Whats important to you. I try not to invade too much but I do occasionally bump into the orbit of others with my world. It's better this way I think. My world isn't habitable to anyone but me and mine
If you puzzle out what it all means - maybe pass the word on :)
I hope things with counseling go good for you. That you're able to make a connection with someone there you feel comfortable with - someone you can talk with
February 16, 2021 Tuesday 1:45pm
ate some vegetarian barley soup. that I made even. I know it's not the purpose of fasting but I am looking forward to the health benefits (for me).
dont know why but I turned on the radio. To AM, no less. I never listen to the radio and definitely don't like to listen to AM or talk radio.
had to shut it off just now. Bruce Springsteen was right in his song "Mr statetrooper" - because they will just talk talk talk talk until you lose your patience.
the one interesting concept to me was the was the lie of 2 + 2 = 5
im not certain how to feel about all that. And I immediately jump to thinking of it in terms of my spiritual questions or questions on objectivity and empirical knowledge.
I was already thinking about spirituality as lately I've had a distraught sinking feeling regarding religion.
before turning on the radio I had been thinking. wondering why would God - why would a God - send one representative at one given time in all of history to deliver His message manifested as an incarnation of Himself? Sadly, it doesn't seem to make much sense to me. Can faith cover that? Is this one of those times I ask God to heal my unbelief as it says, as a man asked in the Bible: "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
or is this just a case of 2 + 2 equaling 5?
on the face of it I tend to stand firm to believe that 2 + 2 = 4. And it will never sum to 5 no matter how many times the lie is told or foisted on someone.
but then what if my believing in the truth of 2 + 2 equaling 4 is in error? Just because it's the "truth" that reached me first?
sadly we cannot really undo the first impressions made on us so easily. Who has that level of objectivity anyway? None? Because at the root of it we can not be truly objective - and obviously this is not in any small part due to our lack of knowledge. Now we see dimly. Knowledge is power. It should not be mistaken with full power tho. Even with knowledge, some type of fuller knowledge, Bc I dare not think us possessing full knowledge (it seems incomprehensible to me), would we then gain objectivity? I must admit I'm not wholly sold. Maybe if I thought on it more I'd decipher at least would I my own self believe. But I doubt I'll do that. I won't think that long. Perhaps it's importance to me is fleeting. I'm definitely willfully given to ignorance. I won't put in the efforts to read or research what great minds have concluded on any subject. Which I think is beneficial in guidance and helping one decide for themselves *if* they (meaning me) can comprehend what is read and/or not be swayed.
what's it called "tabula rosa"? Clean slate? It doesn't exist. From our earliest moments life doesn't wait once we're born and starts forming us thru impressions. But if it didn't where would we be?
anyway. I should go scrub the toilet.