things

Feb 16 Tuesday 2:45pm

last week took a toll on me.

after that posting of tooth coming out and the pain gone I dipped into an anxiety greater than I've had for awhile that did not ease for several days.

i think it was residual. The aftershocks of having had so many experiences in the presence of others/interacting with them. Definitely played a big part in my anxiety/unraveling.

February 17, 2021 Wednesday 8:15am

it is difficult for me to struggle for a cause, I just thought to myself. Then I realized an amendment must be made to this statement: it is difficult for me to struggle for a worthy cause.

altho my struggling is small, I'm still hesitant to even do the small portion set before me.

I'm beginning to realize that working out my faith or salvation, if there be one of either, will not be a quick task. I'm realizing that I must continue even in the absence of a stronger faith. The questions that wheedle at me may not cease or not for long. Many are not even formed questions, just an unknown nagging, because I deny them to form/firm.

I was very fortunate to be in chat at the same time a positive person came through. This person stated how he had just been reading from the Bible to calm. Altho I've known this person to be kind to many in chat, I had not expected him to be someone to read the Bible. His saying so was encouragement to me. It was not a conversation that could be had at length because it is against the rules and makes some uncomfortable. But it was enough. He spoke very little about it and had only offered it as a general statement. It brought me back to remembering how I've had on my mind the man who cried out "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." I decided to investigate. I left chat and opened my Bible. I guess it is true what they say in these little reminders of how a word can make a difference. Had he not spoken of reading the Bible just that day or evening, it is unlikely that I would have felt the push to leave chat and read from the Bible myself. I would have stayed in possible unfulfilling chat for who knows how much longer and also very possibly doing harm to myself or others in the process. But his small admission was encouraging to me and I was able to leave chat, read the small bit that I've been pondering and then go to bed peacefully and with the resolve to read the Bible again this morning. (Which I have.)

Thursday March 11, 2021 8:15a

life has been moving along at the usual slow and conflicted pace that I set. Seems all I can handle. I'm trying to do better at times.

yesterday was a good day. I count it as a success. Met my new counselor yesterday and I feel more comfortable with her than the one the counseling place had originally set me up with. I'm hoping for progress with her. The other counselor, I guess she just couldn't help it but the timing wasn't right for us or we were a poor match. She made me feel invalidated and unheard. Neither of those is particularly helpful to my counseling journey at this time. So, good things I'm hoping with this new one.

I'm kinda both proud and a bit conflicted that I advocated for myself and requested a different counselor. The old one and I only met twice and it was obviously already off to a shaky start. Maybe now we are both free to move on. Me, to get the help suited to me; her, to help people better suited to her particular set of strengths. I'm just hoping I didn't react to quickly and shortchange myself of a lesson I could've learned thru her. I justify this by telling myself that altho counseling may push you to examine something or a part of your belief system so that you can heal and grow, it's also not supposed to be so invalidating at the onset. If one cannot be heard by the counselor, if the counselor imposes their own preconceptions and misconceptions from the onset or if you find your own preconceptions and misconceptions furthering darkening the already murky waters of whatever your issues are, then surely it's time to re-assess if the hurt is more unfruitful/damaging than the help. At any rate, I went with my instinct or reaction or a combination and decided "no."

the last time a counselor couldn't hear me when I spoke very plain words some very bad things were happening in life and they did reach a crisis point. That time the counselor truly did care about me.. but the set-up of it being text only (cups counselor) .. she just couldn't seem to help me. Text counseling maybe isn't best for crisis intervention was one of my take-aways. And yes, I amaze myself with my powers of perception (sarcasm). I'm tired of always trying to be the square peg forcing myself into a round hole. The quest continues to figure out when I should admit that I'm a square peg and this is a round hole so no wonder it doesn't fit/apply and that I should stop frustrating and sabotaging my efforts by attempting to force a fit/solution or rather it is a situation where I should become more malleable. It varies by situation and issue. But I did what I did and I'm trying not to feel guilty that my newfound relief at feeling I can work with this new counselor means that I somehow took the easier road.

March 13, 2021 11:40a

can hear the wind lightly blowing thru the open open window and the washing machine spinning on spin cycle. Can hear the slight drip of what I think might be the faucet in the bathroom. Will need to check as it's not wise or kind to waste water.

am tending to my pillows and pillow cases to see tie off any loose threads. Am considering finding my travel sewing kit and mending the bedspread today. Am hoping it can make it thru one more spring and summer. Listening to a YouTube interview of Father Seraphim Aldea. Took some notes to ponder:

Father Seraphim Aldea “we know ourselves by knowing God.”

Looking to God in prayer: “The reality of it, whether we like it or not, is that we are created to become something. We are sort of like an unfinished business.”

“If you don’t find who you are in God, in His image, any other self identity, self understanding, is reducible to nothingness.”

this last one. All of it really. Do we know ourselves by knowing God? Is there a God? Can I know myself this way? Prayer and contemplation.

is it truly nothingness outside of the purpose of God? Find yourself in God. Find your identity in Him. All else is nothingness.

it sounds extreme. Could it be true? I do not know. Maybe the only way to know is to try it. Trying it or not, there is no going back. We live a linear life, always moving forward through time and our experiences. There is no going back. Looking back, yes. But going back, no. So if I choose to think on God I will be affected. If I choose not to think on God I will be affected. The paths most likely will not be the same. Which will I choose? And can I stay to one path or the other? Not likely but I can practice. If I choose to think on a God I am allowing myself to be swayed. I am choosing to cultivate these thoughts. Should I?

On anger

by Elder Ephraim

Be meek and do not get angry, for anger is a fruit of egotism and self-will, while, on the contrary, meekness is a fruit of a humble heart and of cutting off one’s own will. When one gets angry, his mind loses its discretion, and as a result, it loses its equanimity and is carried away into saying improper words.

Even though the Holy Fathers liken all the passions to intoxication, primarily they liken anger with it, because when a person is intoxicated, he loses his dignity and makes a fool of himself in front of everyone — which is also what happens when an irascible person loses his temper.

The Lord tells us: “Learn from Me for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls” (Mt. 11:29). In order to find peace for our conscience, we must stifle and eradicate the beast of anger, whose lair is egotism.

When someone happens to criticize you, whether justly or out of tactlessness, take hold of yourself, repress the inward turmoil, close your mouth, and start saying the prayer internally, and at once you will see the beast choke! But every victory takes a struggle. If you want to subdue and eradicate your passions, learn to love humility and self-reproach. Only in this way are the passions subdued and obliterated.

When you are overcome by anger you should realize that you are feeding it, only to find it stronger next time. But if, when it rises, you stifle it, in the way we mentioned above, then you should realize that you are starving it, and so the next time it rises, it will be weaker, and the next time even weaker, and little by little your anger will be healed.

The Discipline of Dismay

By Oswald Chambers

As they followed they were afraid. —Mark 10:32

At the beginning of our life with Jesus Christ, we were sure we knew all there was to know about following Him. It was a delight to forsake everything else and to throw ourselves before Him in a fearless statement of love. But now we are not quite so sure. Jesus is far ahead of us and is beginning to seem different and unfamiliar— “Jesus was going before them; and they were amazed” (Mark 10:32).

There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple’s heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air. This unusual Person with His face set “like a flint” (Isaiah 50:7) is walking with great determination ahead of me, and He strikes terror right through me. He no longer seems to be my Counselor and Friend and has a point of view about which I know nothing. All I can do is stand and stare at Him in amazement. At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure. I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus and me and I can no longer be intimate with Him. I have no idea where He is going, and the goal has become strangely distant.

Jesus Christ had to understand fully every sin and sorrow that human beings could experience, and that is what makes Him seem unfamiliar. When we see this aspect of Him, we realize we really don’t know Him. We don’t recognize even one characteristic of His life, and we don’t know how to begin to follow Him. He is far ahead of us, a Leader who seems totally unfamiliar, and we have no friendship with Him.

The discipline of dismay is an essential lesson which a disciple must learn. The danger is that we tend to look back on our times of obedience and on our past sacrifices to God in an effort to keep our enthusiasm for Him strong (see Isaiah 50:10-11). But when the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come the ability to follow Jesus truly, which brings inexpressibly wonderful joy.

March 16, 2021 Tuesday

I don't think I talk of it as often on here, or maybe I do speak of it often and just haven't noticed that I do, but trauma does still affect me .

I cannot think of a day I am wholly trauma-free although Iook forward to the days when it is no longer consistently with me.

Today I have my second counseling appointment with my new counselor. I already felt much more comfortable with her from our initial meeting so hoping that ease continues.

generally in the back of my mind (and then working its way to the forefront) is some parcel of the various traumatic events I've experienced over the years. Most of any childhood or young adulthood trauma prior to marriage is not present as it is either mostly resolved or overshadowed with traumas since my married life.

I'm still having fairly regular dreams with traumatic events as the theme. I had one yesterday. These dreams or even a thought of past events, or fears of their return in the present or future, used to stop me in my tracks even up until very recently. My mood would fall and I would stagnate in place overcome by sadness, confusion, stagnation. I would either become anxious and easily irritated or I would succumb to a weakened state of needing to hide away from everything. Any noise or movement seemed too much and I would retreat to hide under the covers and run to the comfort of sleep. I have tried occasionally other tactics like a soothing bath or shower but to lesser extent have I tried these. Generally the feeling of being exposed before the world and the need to avoid any stimulus meant even these options seemed too much for my fragile stats of mind at the time. But I'm working on that slowly but surely.

yesterday when I had the bad dream, I simply awoke and acknowledged "okay, I had a bad dream. It is what it is. Obviously this remains unresolved for me." I knew that already. But acknowledging that it was what it was and that it's okay to be where I am and assess my mental state of being a bit more objectively felt like progress. I did not let it derail my day. That is definite progress as such dreams or thoughts often derail me for days - not just one day. So to "recover" most of my stability in such a quick turn-around is a marked improvement.

it is still with me. But I can choose to put it on the shelf and discuss it at an appropriate time and with appropriate people - like today in therapy. At least I think that seems healthier, logical and more manageable.

I'm leaving cups.

Just waiting around to say goodbye to a few listeners. Wanted to let those of you who read this know. Especially my two forum friends. I'll miss you but I see Cups going one direction while I seem to be heading in a different direction. I don't agree with Cups' tactics so I'm leaving basically as a conscientious objector.