things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
ok. So I restarted the sour load and picked up some trash outside. I need to eat. I'm not hungry but my stomach is. So egg on toast and a yogurt. Then plan my next move.
things I need to do today:
1. Breakfast
2.make bed
3.Get items off kitchen floor
4. put laundry away
5. do more laundry
6. make up staples box, put in office closet
7. Do some dishes
8. eat a health lunch: salad
9. go for a walk
10. make dinner tonite. Use tomatoes, zucchini that are going bad.. so pizza, pasta. Pull down either fish or chicken to defrost.
11. Put away miscellaneous items as I go. Every little bit helps. Just like in the yard.
it's embarrassing but I did this to myself. Only way out is out - clean things up, chores. Yard is manageable except needs to be mowed and things need to be put away that were brought from apartment. House is not that unmanageable either if I'll just keep chipping away at it.
I let myself get tired so easily but a little work wouldn't hurt me. Got to push thru. I did just now push a tiny bit with yard. Did one more bag of trash than I wanted to. Just need to keep doing that: push, then rest. Repeat.
Gotta make myself eat. Then make bed, then probably rest. Then look at list again and work on a task from it.
over the weekend when H was sick and we got him tested for the virus, mom left a care package up the road. She texted me to walk up and get it. Bless her heart. .. it's more than just illness that made her keep her distance - it's me. She used to leave care packages on the landing of the apartment with notes asking if I was ok.. could I just call or text? I've never meant to hurt her so badly.
for once I did just as she asked and I walked up the road right then. Found the bag. It had in it: a very good U line box (not the point but I do love a good box), two sprites, a bottle of honey, 3 pkgs of peanut butter crackers, a cereal fruit bar, and an apple. She also included the bulletin from church with a hymnal insert for one song. The bulletin had the title of the sermon and the names of those on the prayer list.
I hope it was just to brighten our day and add strength and encouragement. Maybe also a nod to the fact that others suffer with grave health issues and we don't have to take our lives for granted, H and I.
I texted her back and thanked her. We discussed the bulletin briefly. And we really needed the honey too! We're almost out of a jar given to H by a customer.
going to finish my tea and honey and start on the bed. Had breakfast, picked up some more things.
I think i should consider giving back to shut-ins when I have a vehicle again. I don't even know if they need volunteers or what the protocol is now since virus. And I know that many elderly don't have the appetite they once did.. but to ease food insecurities is still a blessing. Maybe I could even sometimes include a note? I dunno.. I wouldn't want to presume their thoughts. Just figured if home alone it might be nice to ponder just about any thought really sometimes. It's been the case for me at times and I know this care package is still brightening my day and adding support/security. Dear God, let me become worthy of it.
ok, not bad. Worked for 2 hrs straight. Time for a break. Bed is made and I was thinking how it's good I'm beginning to do this more now with the summer bedding on. Our summer bedding is getting a bit threadbare and the sheets were very low thread count to begin with and sorta sheeny. Don't think they're a full cotton bend to begin with.. they were the cheapest.
but shortly after we moved here I ordered some sheets of slightly better quality and some bedding for winter. I've never opened it Bc I didn't want to use it all until I knew I'd take care of it. It will be a nice reward to put them on this Fall after I've established the routine of washing bedding at least twice weekly and making the bed just about every day. And since I do not have to purchase extra bedding/sheets I may buy a few new pillows. Some are in sad shape. So is the mattress but it will have to last another year probably anyway. Have had it forever and it's not easy to make Bc it's starting to get lumpy, poor old springs.
but it's so nice to pass thru the bedroom and see the made bed. H likes it very much. It's one of the things he's long requested. It's one of the things I found so hard to do for awhile. He mentioned it when we were a young couple. Then years later after infidelity. As a young couple it was forgiven of me easily (I think). As an older couple it was an ache and a regret surrounding the unfaithfulness. I ached for not realizing I was losing him, desperate to have him back but indignant that I should be asked to do anything when he had strayed and hurt us so badly.
now I can be a bit more obedient to a higher call and forgive myself a bit and him and that situation. And what I cannot forgive I will let alone and still dutifully complete my task. I choose this. I do not have to. But I choose this because I find it to be the better way. Yes, I stray from the better path al the time. Maybe even mentioning this is straying. But I'm not to the point I can just let it go fully yet. Everything I choose to include here or not include here, I question. Am I validated simply Bc this is my story?
I do not know.
but I do know I've chores today! If nothing else, I can rest my head tonite knowing that at least today I tried.
Waiting on the front porch step for H to come down the road. Triple digit heat. He once said he thought this song was cute. Might play it on the boom box when he's out of the shower. See if he'll do a little kitchen dancing with me. It's crass, hokey, stupid but.. that's ok. The try part is nice and some of the lines are comical.
I hope he's pleased with the progress I made. Place looks a little better. I don't know if he'll notice but I know he'll notice the made bed.
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Thursday Aug 13 7:45am
got quite a bit done yesterday. Not everything on list but I did much more in the area of miscellaneous picking up/organizing than I intended. Yesterday was my strongest effort yet since beginning this journal few short days ago.
hoping I can push myself today as well.
more somber this morning altho that's prob not quite the word I'm looking for - I'm not sad. Still have on my knees in the night stuck in my head.
we did dance, we did watch Lost in Space until our signal gave out, we did have caramel ice cream. H had bought himself lunch so we ate on that for dinner. Tonite I must make something with the zucchini, tomatoes and breakfast sausage Bc they are spoiling. Will add things and make a pasta. I need to start waking even earlier so I can send him off to work with breakfast and lunch. We could stand to save the money.
obviously I'm meant to be working alongside him at shop. Haven't been able to make myself cross that bridge yet.
cant get lost in guilt and regrets. Must keep focus and continue this choring. Already my stomach tell me it's hungry. Will do repeat of yesterday's breakfast. Already my mind is telling me to make the bed, start the laundry. on my knees in the night in my head but I'm not yet on my knees. Few arrow prayers here and there. Actions getting better. Still mistakes but better.
my post got deleted sonofabitch. Hate this stupid thing for that. Or maybe it's a sign I didn't need to say what I was gonna say. .. ***** you, you stupid site.
I mention my trauma and it gets deleted. I see how it is. Chore list only. Fine. (But f u)
@themainjane I'm sorry that happened - it happens to me alot too :( its the picky censors - they need to relax them alittle
I hope you don't mind - I've been reading your entries and you write beautifully - I hope that doesn't sound too weird
@mytwistedsoul
thank you for response. And no, I don't mind. I can see that someone reads them Bc they get an upvote but I cannot tell who it is. I'm not certain if that's Bc I'm on phone or if that's just the way it is. I know at one time when I used to access cups thru computer that it would show on feed who hearted your posts. And I thought I recalled it being the same for forum.
i spend my days stranded alone at home on our property. I guess I mentioned that already. Also, we have no WiFi here. So everything I do is done on a small phone screen. I do log in to site. The app hasn't worked in a very long time - it only buffers and won't let you actually log in.
also, to you and @Nonethewiser: I do intend to actually be human and follow your entries as well (assuming you have them) .. I'm just not there yet. (Consumes in my own stuff).
i recently started distancing from online chat. It was becoming too much and my overuse of it was a problem.
of course, I've transferred all that overuse to here.
and I know I got off track in what was to be only a response to you -- please don't feel you must respond to any or all of the things I say. I tend to write things as they come to me in some type of lack of impulse control/lack of restraint. It's like I fear if I don't say them now then I won't say them. Even tho that's not true - I almost inevitably say them. Still a fear tho .. and I'm rambling.
hope you're doing well.
Today doesn't seem to be my day. Thought I'd go to Sharing circle but the person that was a supposed friend of mine is there. Blocked them on discord for a reason. Funny things is.. other than counselor or H or occasionally Mom, hers was the only voice I'd heard in awhile. But she was toxic to me and probably me for her.
its just.. I couldn't anymore with her drama. I spent hours- like 3 listening to her not get to the point and just be overly blown up over some fairly minor problem (and I learned she was deceitful-- on purpose, just no) and when I asked if she could maybe even ask once how was my day that day, she couldn't even be bothered. Her problem was minor in comparison to mine. And I was tired of spending my energies on her bs when I really needed those reserves for my own very real and pressing problems.
tried twice more to befriend her. Both mistakes. So this time I blocked her. Maybe I'm a miserable btch that gets what I deserve. But I know I'm not the only one and I'm just over it with her.
So. More to the point of what I need to do for myself now that I've gotten that vent out of the way. And I do wish her well overall and after it all. Some ppl you just wish well but far far away from you. And that's ok. That's honest. And not being honest with myself, my boundaries, usually leads to a backfiring blow up of resentment and retaliation eventually. We all have problems, I just can't help her with hers. And she made it clear how little she actually cared and the depths of her self-absorption.
so, I've sunk back into my own self-absorption. But I'm not only gonna piss n moan -- I'm ready to do something about them.
so now that I've awakened from a sleep apnea induced bout of daytime drowsiness (wake with the headache and was biting my lip), I'm gonna get off my keister and on with this chore list.
Worked for an hour. Quick break then I've got to finish up a thing before lunch. After lunch, going to try and push thru and go back to choring. At least get in another hour before I break. Then more chores to do this early evening.
Trying to get in several hours of choring each day. It's a push Bc my previous - and until very recently - routine was basically no working on anything at all. Usually when I have a good day it tires me out and I don't have a good day again for 3-5-7 days. Or I get two days in a row and quit. I've got to do better than that.
All I've got to say about that ^ https://youtu.be/Om_sdJqvUGo
I can't with all these ppl on cups today. (Not counting the beautiful souls that read my posts, of course ☺️) but maybe there's a reason why I need to grow beyond these things. It's a young man's game and I don't wanna play anymore. I'm content to stick to my own. I'm becoming old and crotchety and now I know why it happens.
think I'm only mad at myself for not realizing it sooner. And they're not doing anything wrong. Just different life stages, and well, different lives to begin with basically too. I respect a good struggle and some have it really bad and yet or world's kinder than I'll ever be. Seems the majority tho are just bitching and weak.. I wonder what they'd do with a real problem?
anyway, not my problem and they'll find out soon enough likely as not. (I know I did).
but enough about other ppl that shouldn't be my concern anyway: gotta keep my hand down and go for the last 1.5 hr push before H comes home. Hot as hell today. Triple digit days.
Even as I wrote the above I realized I was just perturbed. It's not like I'm not week too. H just called and the tank truck broke down leaving him stranded on the side of the road not long ago. It's close to 110 than not. And I know he's been working in it all day. The parts house opened back up for him and he's trying to get it back up and running so he can get home. Bless his heart. .. and there's nothing I can do from here and it's our only transportation and part of his (our) livelihood. I hope it can make it home tonight. And I hope it's sooner rather than later. I'm going to start on dinner altho he may not be hungry for what I'm making. It's got to be made. Was supposed to be made last night. That sausage won't keep another day. I'll gladly fix him something else if he'd rather not have something as hot or heavy as pasta. But for right now that's all I know to do. And I know it's nothing, nothing to be worried over. I just hate it for him and I'm trying to do better so he at least has one less worry - me.
another hour before the temperature drops. Another hour after that before it'll be under 100. At least it's not dark. I hope he's making out okay. I know when he gets home he'll shower and probably go straight to bed. I'm going to try to coax him to eat something tho - anything. He runs himself ragged lots of times. I know he's not hungry when he's hot and tired but I worry about him.
i have time to get another few chores done. Doesn't seem right to rest when he's laboring so much. It's always been true and I've always known.. did I just not care? Did I let my resentment get in the way? Got to do better.
sauce has longer to simmer this way. Need to take scraps to the compost trough, work on some more dishes and laundry and putting things away.
If I keep at this I know I'll see the end of the chaos and then it'll be maintenance chores etc.
I'm ready to live a more orderly life. Feels better at the end of the day. And the day will come when I lay my head down in a clean and kept house.. it's getting there.
well, I've made garlic knots and just waiting to make the pasta and put the bread in the oven. I doubt he eats any of this bit at least we'll have a two meals plus out of it.
its not even below 100 yet but feels much cooler than that with the sun setting.
another day and night with barely the sound of another voice not counting music. This is just how my days go. And I know it can't really be helped right now.
it's weird - I get lonely kinda but then I also don't really want to be around anyone. I guess I'm as used to being alone as I'm gonna get for awhile.
i really hope he doesn't go to prison. I just can't believe it could be true. If he does I'm going to get a piano and try to teach myself to play Chopin's nocturne 21.
its a bucket list goal either way. But I surely hope it's not Bc I'm completely living alone.
Received some disturbing news about 2 hrs ago. Not certain there's anything I can even do about it. Just so sad, the situation I received news about. And it's been sad a long time. If I knew who to contact I would. I think the general consensus is that I should leave it alone. I wish something could've been done about it a long time ago. And I wish I wasn't so ineffectual. It was never my place.. just feels like it's one of those things that should be anyone or everyone's place if they can help. I tried. I told what I knew to the authorities. I was told to stay out of it by family. And now someone is missing. Can't say this wasn't a long time coming and I pray she's alive.
she deserved so much better than what has been given her in this life. I pray she still gets that chance.
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Friday Aug 14 7:24am
waking with headache and dry throat. same headache as before, left eye. I slept in the living room. After telling me the news H told me to "go away".
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Saturday Aug 15. 6:40am
yesterday was a wash. did spend a good portion of the day trying to find out anything about where N was. Spoke with cps, spoke with counselor, even tried to see if anyone had suggestions in chat. Found out a few things from family.
e#2 got bad news. d/couij. 10A dr n br20.
new hire was redeeming.
ended day feeling better. watched Lost in Space with H and told him I'd do better today.
he wasn't happy that I spent all day worried about niece. I know they're all traumatized, that whole backwards assed family. I know he's traumatized too. I still just can't see how "leave it alone" was the right answer when someone's life might've hung in the balance. Good news is that I think (and hope) she's safe now. And I know kinda where she may be. Thank you, A, for sharing that.
yesterday was just a hard day. One man in jail for hurting a 6yo. One man on the run who ought to be in jail for a life's worth of abuses. Yesterday was all just thoughts of abuses, the far-reaching fallout and consequences. What living in the aftermath looks like from day two to decades later. Saw a little bit of it all firsthand yesterday. But you don't have to see it to know it's there. Anyway, enough about that. What can be done is being done in one instance for sure. And the other may be a waiting game. But I do now feel like there's a good chance she's alive, better chance than not. I'm so sorry you got the worst of it. I'm so sorry the people left to smooth your way can't/won't do much Bc of their own fkd up childhoods.
Today I'm going to chore again. My energy isn't there and my heart isn't in it. But I'm going to try anyway. Have to keep at it, get back to it, keep getting back up until it's not so hard (I hope).
the same ol' things I can't say here still on my mind. I guess that's no excuse not to try.
I'm still wondering if I should ask for a wellness check. Not sure a city name is enough to go on tho. And no idea if she's run off or is still in his clutches. Did find out the younger sibs are in another state with family. In school and in counseling, think they're in counseling. And maybe in good counselor will ask about her too? Just Bc she's now the oldest and not technically a child.. it's sad Bc she's paid the highest price and now reached young adulthood without the resources prvoided to protect children. No one protected any of them. Generation after generation they grow up broken and it's beyond a shame. Please God protect this family and end these horrible things. Break this cycle.
Got out of shower. Blew up at H over finances. Balances dipped to red, not good. Maybe I don't have a say Bc I don't work. I worry. But as always, I'm ineffectual. I know he works hard. I guess I don't hold up my end of the bargain. I don't mind going without but I just wish it were for a good reason. I have sound financial advice he just won't listen. This is why I've always saved a little back in mason jars. Bc that rainy day always comes. God knows what it's going to be when the slow season starts and with the virus this year. Trying to plan ahead both with a little money back and with food staples. If the shelves go bare again or money runs out, we have to have a way to make it.
i was still wrong to raise my voice, curse and say mean things. Going to apologize before he leaves for work.
I have no financial say. But when he was away and calling collect on the phone crying for thirty bucks on the books, me and the babies were going without while I worked 12+ hr days without breaks hardly ever. No bathroom break, no food. Going without without without.. couldn't even afford those damn phone calls. I know you stress out, I know you sacrifice. I wish you could see that I've made sacrifices too. Maybe they just haven't been enough or too little, too late. Too sporadic. But I stood by you. Please stand by us.
i think my hormones are acting up and I wish we could afford for me to go to the dr. I need stability and I'm having a difficult time manufacturing it within myself. Why am I this way? And can it be helped?
And Jesus, the worry. So tired of worrying about everything. Other people worry but they don't come unglued or let it stop them in their tracks. I'm weak Bc it does both those things to me.
But do I not have a right to be worried when you give top hand a week's paid vacation, hire on a high school kid at higher pay than he really needs, let anyone hold a dollar that asks you for a twenty all the while we barely have one running vehicle and can't make all our bills? This is why I worry.
but if I ask you say you've got it covered... I know you're trying but you don't "got it covered"
but what can I say if I don't help? Won't work? I know it'll be the hardest thing ever for me. Social anxiety to the max etc. but I'm doing what I'm doing here to try and prepare for being around people again. I know the day is coming I'll have to work again. I know you'll fix my totaled vehicle and then I will need to work again. Altho I'd rather work with you than be sent off to the city to work for little pay and all the gas used to get there and back.
the days of rolling you in your sleep are gone since you don't pass out drunk on the floor anymore. Drink in one hand, gun on you, keys in your pocket. I used to sneak all these things off you and hope you didn't wake up again. Usually you stayed asleep but if you woke up, oh hell. Sometimes.
am I not to resent these things? Am I not to resent being treated like a dog? Am I not to resent fearing for myself? Negotiating hostage situations regarding our pets or worried over what damn fool thing you might do in an erratic state or getting smacked around or cheated on? Am I not to resent fearing you ending up in jail over a fight or a driving accident or god knows what? Just trying to keep you at home even if you might hit me around a bit for it?
damn you, damn you. I love you but damn your demons and damn what alcohol made it okay for you to do. And damn me and my hormones and my weaknesses for not being strong enough to just throw your ass out so maybe you'd think twice. I couldn't let you go.. I was weak. Scared for me, scared for you.
but we made it and we'll still make it. And maybe make it thru these hurts and haunts and resentments. I'm sorry and I do love you. I know you love me too. There's still hope.
it all just comes back to me. my anger gets triggered, my anxiety runs high. All the times I made insane choices of the lesser of two evils just trying to get thru a bad situation. What would you do? Do you really think you'd done any different? If it was someone you loved? I don't think so, not if you were me. I did the best I knew how in a shitty situation.
maybd that's just an excuse. I don't think it was then.
but using it today IS an excuse. So I need to learn to deal. Maybe venting it here is a step up from arguing with you about it. Maybe next time I'll try that first instead of after hurtful words have already been said.
and thru it all and after it all, during at at the end, I'd still come to you to ease your pain, try to, as you try for me.
these other things come and go. Our love remains.
we make our own treasure. we can turn these poverties into blessings with a little love and God's help. He will cover our poverty of spirit, He will see us thru. And He gave us each other to be helpmates to the other, not hindrances. It's good to remember and hold fast and return to the good and the hope.
(My secret fear: I hope I'm not a parasite to you. And if I am, I need to learn how to stop it). Maybe I'm the horrible person. Why do I always want to blame you and call you the horrible person? Bc I know that's a horrible thing for me to do.
God, help me. Help me to be stronger, kinder, wiser. Slow my tongue and speed my good actions. Hone my focus, strengthen my resolve to let go of what doesn't serve me, him, my family, everyone really. But starting with me and him. Strengthen me in finding the good path. Help me to focus on the here and now. Help me to learn accountability, responsibility, purpose. Just help me to what's right. Help me to chore today Bc You know I'm looking for an out. And that's all I know to do today -- that's what's in front of me right now. Chores. Thank you for always seeing us thru. Be with him thru these next hours. Be with our families, watch over all those hurting. Let them know you're there. Even if they don't know it's You or can't see it or feel it. Give them hope, don't let them despair or do foolish things or come to a bad end or cause pain to themselves or others. God be with us all. And thank you for being with me. At least I think You are. Even if I'm ungrateful. Chores, help me.. don't let me end the day unproductive. I think maybe if I will just do better You will show me how life can be better, how my perception can change. And yes, whether I should or not I fear what will happen if I don't do the right things. Not certain how it works. But it seems it could go badly if I don't do better. Help me to do better. Whatever is holding me back, smooth my way, give me resolve, don't let me shirk things. I don't want to buy into my slothful nature but I do. Please just cover all that and take it away or help me to deal anyway.
