things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
He knows I have social anxiety bad. So bad my own mother has to stay away or drop things up the road Bc I can't bare to see anyone or be seen by others. I could do the books but he won't bring them home.
I know it's not right, I know it's not the best way. I know he's only trying to help me and get me off the property/out of the house.
I just wish he understood that if he'd meet me halfway at first maybe it would help. I guess I'm wrong. But if he'd just let me help him instead of punishing us both Bc I do things in this crippled way, maybe it'd be good for us both. He'd have the books done and I'd have a sense of accomplishment/progress/contributing.
its so hard for me to make myself go back there to the shop. I know I need to but it's difficult. Especially when no one wants me there really. I'm just tired and sad but I've got to get over it....is he holding our financial situation hostage? No, prob not. No. I'm just weak. God, I'm not very rational today? I just don't know. This all feels so wrong both ways.
all these years of hiding back money.. he blows thru it like water. I hide it out of fear, as stated. So we'll have something when the tax man comes calling or if something breaks down and there really isn't any money. But I also hide it Bc I'm weak and don't contribute-- won't work. Somehow it feels like a contribution to have it saved back for those bad times. But he's come to rely on it too - that they'll be hidden money and there's not always. It takes a long time to save anything back. And now that he's not drunk I don't have anything saved back. There's no way to sneak any money off of him.
i say I do it for our good. And I do. But it's also to cover my own sins - my lack of contribution. And it's a backdoor way to approach self-preservation.
Finally home. Made tuna fish for lunch and then the calls started coming in. Black dog and I rode along to get out of the house for a bit. Calls kept coming in so we were out for awhile. I raged at H.. I shouldn't have. I'm obviously no wilting flower and I do want things my way -- too much my way.
that doesn't undo the poor choices he's made. But these are my choices and I can do better.
right now I'm tired. He's in shower. I need one too altho I started the day off with one. Just dirt and road weary from that beast of a truck. Later I'll boil some more spaghetti noodles and we'll have leftover pasta. Hopefully not taking anymore calls tonite. He has to rest sometime.
so I guess I didn't get many home chores done but it still feels like a successful day. I worked on my exposure therapy. And I messed up pretty awkwardly with one customer. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking to myself "please shut up". You know how you do sometimes when you're nervous and awkward and then you realize it but keep fumbling just digging that hole deeper? Well, that was me. But it's over and I know the guy just probably chalks me up for an idiot. I can live with that. Progress : )
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Sunday Aug 16 8:45am
havent been awake very long. don't feel so great phy. feelings of betrayal are already kicking pretty hard. how could he throw our good love away? (maybe it's Bc it's not a good love and I'm a horrible person). He thinks I'm disgusting. Seems like he hates me.
sometimes the way he looks at me it's like he hates me. I know he finds me disgusting. But why am I disgusting MF??!?? You did this to me.
you can't make a person fear for their life, torture their mind and soul and then expect smooth sailing.
you forced me into the shower. I was afraid. I didn't know how bad you planned on hurting me. You weren't in your right mind. That whole weekend.. one of the few times I was afraid you might take me life or yours. And to even hear my poor mom tell me the same thing months later. How maybe she was wrong to tell me not to call the police, how for the first time she was afraid someone might end up dead. She and me both. So damn you, damn you, you mf.
spitting venom and you in my mind and not feeling very generous or hospitable. Lord, help me to make us both breakfast Bc right now I'd really like to tie you to a tree and whip you.
but I really don't want to do that.
but how could you? How could you hold me by my hair, yank my head back, hit me and tell me not to cry and to keep m hands down?
how can you inflict bodily pain and not allow me to defend myself and punish me for wanting to cry out? It wasn't right... you're not right to treat another so. .. and that "another" was me, your wife. Why do you hate me so? Bc of my sharp tongue? Is that enough reason to do the things you did? Maybe so.
and even since sober you've grabbed me by the throat. Maybe I deserved it. I don't know. There are no straight answers.
but you told me you'd paint the carpet red with my blood. You forced me to do things. Damn you. You can make me do something, it's true. But you cannot bend my will to yours any more than I can bend your will to mine. Still, I shoulda whipped you just once. Just come at you with a belt and whip your sorry ass, let you see how it feels.
pld god, help me. Change my wicked mind.
my angry mood has passed. there's just no black and white - even as I write bitter words I can see the fault in both of us, can see my own fault (can see it some not as wholly as I should). I know I lack compassion, know I lack a generous spirit. I try. I always fail. I don't try hard enough? And I'm no fool. I know these things aren't right that you've done. But am I any better? Doubtful. With these words like knives?.. very doubtful I'm any better.
H went on a work call. I'm going to make us pancakes when he gets back. Be more of a lunch than anything else but it's been such a long time since I made a Sunday breakfast of pancakes. It's his one day home. Pls God, help me not to ruin it. Drive these old thoughts from my mind, don't let me poison the day.
i should start on dishes soon. Maybe H will mow the lawn and I can work on the kitchen. Or maybe he should just rest actually. Yes, I think that's better. He's been working so hard and in the heat and still not fully over being sick. See, this is why I'm a selfish horrible btch.. where do all my good sense go? Where did putting myself in another's shoes go? Maybe I don't have much desire to be of a charitable spirit towards others but charity begins at home.. I've forgotten all about having kindness towards him. Why is it work? (Bc I'm a horrible person). These things come so naturally to others? I'm the creep? Maybe so. I don't get it, I really don't - all this kindness I see expressed towards others on this site.
there is a thing tho, it's a phenomenon of extending unnatural kindness towards a stranger online. Basically something about the whole online chat experience can sometimes conjure an exaggerated response of kindness. Obviously it can go the other direction as well. But for this site and some of the purposes of this site, I find the exaggerated kindness more interesting and almost more irrational.
also, and maybe this is my own skepticism, but I doubt all these kindnesses are as selfless as they'd appear on the surface.
im not saying altruism doesn't exist, I know it does. And we've all been moved to help someone for various reasons.
I'm glad the kindnesses exist here.. we'd be lost without them. I know they need to exist.
just sometimes I could do with a few less "hugs". I find I'm not fit lately for most group chats. I have no patience for them and they just piss me off. .. so I come here instead.
I either truly am kinda evil (Bc I see some kindnesses as just a means to an end). Like the beautiful kind saintly souls crying out their victimhood from their pure and martyred souls... I don't get it. Maybe I'm just too old and road weary and forgotten what it's like to be young, vulnerable and hurt but still believing in the goodness of humanity. Why does it always come to my mind that the best way to receive help is to be or appear kind and good? Even if it's all playing out subconsciously-- its a way to get a need or desire met. If you've been hurt and now would like some help working thru that hurt, well, you catch more flies with honey. Its instinctual even, a self-preserving way to acquire the necessary or sought after help.
im just bitter. I know at the heart of hurt is simply hurt. And hurt is generally pure and confused at maybe it's base level?
or maybe I just get tired of not knowing where to find my own story or my own help. Maybe I haven't looked hard enough. And I know I'm ungrateful and that others have had it far worse. But I mostly lack the compassion to respond or even entertain in my mind very long some of these so-called sad plights of "abuse".
yet I know there are others with stories I'd find so harrowing I'd say "please, no more" and regret my shameful complaining. Do I need that kind of humbling? Sometimes I do.
other times maybe I just seek validation. Don't we all seek validation. And of course I find hearing/reading "you're feelings are valid" to be such an affront that my mind wants to scream "f u" basically.. and that's kinda funny :)
but these ppl that say "your feelings are valid".., it's the right word choice about 2% of the time. The rest of the time it is itself an invalidation.
it shows lack of understanding, it's like a dismissal. "My feelings are valid now, are they now?.... well, ty for that but no thanks. You clearly don't relate or understand."
end of rant .. at least I feel better and my mood is lifting 🙂
I am also peripherally aware of my own lack of understanding. The horrors that many have been thru would shame my haughty soul.
Instead of others not relating to me, it's probably I that cannot relate to their depth of struggle. And maybe I'm embarrassed for being exposed for the fraud that I am and worse
Daddy's home. I'm going to play this interview for him while I make pancakes. (If he wants to hear it). I bet he'll get a kick out of it. Found out one line was orig very diff in one of our favorite songs and it's kinda funny.
glad I figured out how to use Bluetooth and n this boom box since we only pick up one or sometimes two stations.
Ok. Well, I've fooled around long enough. H is napping and I asked him to turn off his phone. If he doesn't sometimes they'll never leave him alone. I'm gonna sneak in there and grab it just to be sure. He needs to rest.
I'm gonna start some sun tea. Mom always made it and still does. I don't have a sun tea jar but I've got two very big mason jars with lids that ought to do the trick. She brought me tea in them when I was working those long hours and said to keep the jars. I love her, bless her soul. Always thinking of me. I think of her too. I need to do better by her.
I'm going to finally get to working on these dishes.
another song stuck in my mind. The video is quite lame and cheezy in bunches of places with a few places I like. but this is my favorite version of this song so far. Upbeat. Don't care for Dtown, never have. Was always more of a Houston girl.
H woke up. Someone wants to hold a dollar, never ends. Tools, money, labor, expertise and advice - they never stop. At least he's not letting them come out here. Said call when you get to the road. What's the point of living on an unmarked road if half the county knows anyway? 🙃 it's alright, definitely doesn't rate as a problem.
just after 11:30pm and I'm done with the chores I'm doing today. My sink is empty and clean and so is the washing machine and dryer. Folded clothes in a basket I'll put away in the morning, dishes drying the same. Then I'll start it all again. I really think in the next few days I'll start to see much visible progress. Then it'll be down to the dusting, sweeping, mopping.
dishes and laundry are becoming much more routine. Phasing in the bed-making as routine. Next phasing in is more regular sweeping and vacuuming, bathroom cleaning.
One of these days I'll have a clean slate then I can put out a few pictures and keepsakes/decorate, keep a plant or two.
today was a productive day - broke my sloth streak of 1-2 days work: 3-5-7 days rest. It IS feeling better overall. Even thru my anger or meltdowns I stuck with it. Progress. Still would like to go to the dr about my hormones. Would like to learn to curb my outbursts/my poor, irrational and irritable behaviors.
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Mon Aug17 8:20am
woke few minutes ago to the instant anxiety, the kind that beats you to wakefulness/is there to meet you as you wake. but I think it's just sleep apnea this time.
there were times when H was gone that it was anxiety-anxiety, or at least on top of apnea anxiety. there were times I woke every 45 minutes with a 12 hr workday looming ahead of me. Those were not good times.
all of this has been at eight months now. went thru Christmas alone, New Years alone, valentines alone. I guess H has been home about five months. He's been sober right at six months. I haven't had a drop since before he left. It has lost its appeal. having to wrangle him, de-escalate situations and keep my wits about me made drinking myself not a wise choice. I still couldn't prevent what happened. That's not something I even know how to live with, I push it away.
i also was saddened and surprised to find out his sobriety date didn't even start inside. I thought for certain he'd come out as many days sober as he'd been or within a day or so of that. apparently, no.
I was worried when I received his letters sometimes depending on his mental state. I was not happy with the way they were being mishandled in there. I also wasn't happy if I heard he'd been non-compliant. I know they make it difficult. Very difficult. And there's one guard in particular that has no business being a guard or in law enforcement at all. H wrote me from solitary confinement (he was allowed to send two letters a week with paper and pen purchased at a high price from commissary.) from his cell he could hear the guards abusing a young guy. I'm sure the kid was no saint but he didn't deserve to be misused while not resisting or causing any further problem. And what the guards consider a problem or infraction against the rules is slight and some will goad the inmates into a confrontation.. like an invite to an infraction you cannot refuse. So H told me he heard how they had this boy restrained in a chair, strapped down and that his voice was muffled Bc they must've had him gagged or hooded. He heard the guards taunt him while he was restrained and cause physical harm. They tazed him and maybe hit him? I don't recall that part for sure. He tried to cry out and he did cry out in pain but they kept on him. Then H said he didn't hear the boy crying out anymore, things fell silent. They had to take that boy to the hospital. ... tell me, is that justice for a boy in there for petty theft? Is inhumane treatment justified? In my opinion the guards actions were more criminal than what the boy had done to get locked up. What's worse, it's the inmate who then catches another charge - Bc they angered a guard who then abuses them and calls it assault on an officer or whatever it's called. Backwards.
I worried for you every day and night. We aren't street savvy. This was no place for you. We're not those people. And the whole thing was just a shock. If this weren't a crooked ass little town with a corrupt and inept law enforcement agency, you'd never even have been locked up on false allegations that anyone should be able to see don't hold water. I pray our attorney can advocate for you effectively.. and I pray that judge/jury can see the truth for what it is when it's presented to them.
even tho I sometimes fear that truth. Bc I don't know God's will in this situation. But I feel very very strongly based on what you've said, what collaborating witnesses have said, and from the person that I know you to be, that you stand wrongly accused. If your truth is the truth as I believe it to be - may all this come out and the lies exposed for what they are. .. how it ever even got this far I do not understand.
the songs that repeat through my life for their various reasons and meanings. This kinda morning right now. I know it will pass but this helps express/explain
one silver lining to this whole debacle and mess: from a small cell all alone you began to seek God. And if I let you and if we'll work together, God will see us through no matter. We make a lot of mistakes - more me than you nowadays. But there's hope still that we'll keep on trying and keep doing better. I need to do my part.
most likely my part this week looks like last week and the previous weeks, days. Still trying to get this choring routine down.
https://youtu.be/YBEnm32c3eA
I can't say we get it right. As for me, I stumble everyday. And I know I'm not seeking God as I could or should. But I'm taking steps in that direction. Please God, guide my path today and help me to stay out of my own way and out of the paths of others.
Made a smoothie for breakfast/lunch: a banana that's getting too ripe, handful of very old cherries, three very old strawberries, some frozen blueberries, orange juice and pineapple juice. Topped with whipped cream. Basically a sweet n sour smoothie ha. Sounds better than a half-rotten fruit smoothie. And it cleaned out my fridge!
https://youtu.be/6bIkqAF4ZOs
now for something different. And I hope this banana settles okay. I'm trying to get in more fruits.
Only picking up one station. Had to turn the radio off. It's a poor station and is playing a lot of old lame cheating country songs.
have to get on these pots and pans that have been sitting too long. I'm going to have to order some more copper cleanser. They don't carry it here and I couldn't even find it at Walmart that day we went to the city. Guess they stopped carrying it too. And I like my copper bottomed pots to shine like new.
https://youtu.be/5qJp6xlKEug
this banana is fighting me. I don't feel so good. This may or may not stay down. I'll give it a few. I've always been a bit like other animals in this regard, if something isn't sitting right I just purge it and go about my business. Dishes soon either way.
It hits me out of nowhere - I wanna be fkd up. Makes me wanna cry like an animal.
i won't do anything. Just sit on my front steps and have a smoke. Feel like a black witch altho I'm the only one here who isn't a whore.. I still know I'm no good, black in my soul.
god, let these things pass from me.
it's been so long since those days of staying drunk or drunk and stoned or drunk and stoned and more.. always wanting more. I don't like when it grips me out of nowhere. That desire to be messed up. But it's passed mostly now, thank goodness.
i let it all go. https://youtu.be/5UlU2XPSkhQ
Turned around and the sun is setting. Didn't get anything done today other than making that smoothie and now dinner. H will be home soon.
making a meal that he likes: brats and cabbage. Even put a french loaf in the oven. Trying to keep meat on that man's bones could be a full-time job. Me, I'm an easy keeper. Everything sticks to me. Trying to eat less bread but not having great luck Bc I like my carbs, like all food really.
going to at least do a load of towels. But for the most part, wasn't a productive day.
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Tues Aug 18 9:20am
two songs in my mind: Fool Somebody Else (do it to yourself, tell me how it feels) ... I lost my bestest precious friend.. and It's Getting Better All The Time (no, I can't complain)
got in shower first thing and now have the first load of laundry started. Sat out on the front step and read two short chapters of the book we're both reading: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful; Linda MacDonald, M.S., LMFT
someone suggested that title to me here on cups in chat actually. A guy who was going thru the same thing I was. He suggested that if H was willing to read this book that it'd be helpful. I think it can be, seems to be so far. And I'm very thankful H is trying and willing. Gonna take more than a cheap whore to tear us apart.
i was thinking how when I hear Otis Taylor's song Black Witch how I think about myself and how cold and dark I can be, how I'm just no good. But the themes in this song, and many songs that I enjoy or listen to, overlap. "Took my wife and family.. she ain't no good", that's not me, that's you, you evil evil whore.. and you know who you are. And when you're done sleeping with half the men in town, at some point you're gonna have to lie alone in that bed that you made. None of this excuses H. Doesn't excuse me either. We all have our burdens to bear, our own sins. Damn you for making this one mine. Damn you both. And damn me for not being a good enough wife to stay faithful to. You still had many other options besides defiling our sacred union. The back and forth in my mind never rests. In the next breath I see my own guilt.. if I had just been a better wife. Hell, if I'd just been a decent human being. But you did this, the two of you, not me. My fault, your fault... on and on.
not the first time or the worst time but it damn sure better be the last. First was the worst for a number of reasons: obviously the initial shock of finding out indisputably and irrevocably that your beloved could even do such a thing - your most precious and sacred and favorite person in the world could betray you on that level. Secondly was the hell that ensued as she desperately tried to turn our lives into something out of Fatal Attraction. But these crazy bitches will always show their true hand even while trying to disguise it. And like I told H: if you lie down in a pit of vipers, don't be surprised when you get bit.
Sadly, there's always enough venom to go around. It's the hurt that keeps on giving. It's like we all got bit.