things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
The path I've chosen is to stay with the one who has also been one of my greatest sources of harm, my beloved. I know it's worth it to heal still. I know he needs his own healing too. I think we can do this. Both together and separately.
I think the healing that I must do from the pain he's caused me is mostly an inside job. I don't think he can be my greatest source of healing from the domestic abuse he inflicted on me. It's not his job or his place, I think.
to support him.. where do I begin? Mostly by honoring his space and respecting his own journey. And by continuing to do the practical things that support us both, I show that I care - concerted effort on my part to increase our stability (through the chores that I do or my own self care) lessens his load and shows that I do truly care and I do truly realize.. it's not just words not backed by action as in the past.
i guess I must admit that I'm still at the "starting place". Surely it can only get better with continued efforts on my part.
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Sat Aug 22 4pm
the time has passed somehow. I've slept quite a bit or distracted/wasted time playing a phone app game. I'm just kinda lost in this state. Malaise. Rumination. Not knowing what to do to fix the things in the past. Not feeling very good, closed in. I know this will pass. Still having a difficult time pushing myself.
being kind and/or quiet with/towards H... no point telling him that his actions of the past are the main reason that I feel this way right now. It's something I must work out for myself. And I know he's sorry and I know he supports me working thru it. I wish I were not this way.
i was so in the feelings of it all last night that I actually decided to browse for a Listener. The one I chose was nothing short of a Godsend. I'm going to try to speak to her again. I don't want to bother her but .. it really helped. Quite frankly she seems almost more helpful than my counselor. But that's probably my fault Bc of what I do and don't choose to discuss with the counselor. This listener has experience in specific areas I need help in. So, thank you God, for that and for her.
going to try and pull myself out of this mood/mindset. So tired, so tired. I think my feelings are hurt. Even hearing your voice jolts me. You came to kiss me goodbye this morning and your standing over me startled me and I flinched. When these things happen they hurt us both and we both ignore them. I don't want to make you sad. I don't want either of us to be sad... it's complicated Bc you know my jolts or startle responses are Bc of you... and you must know I'm remembering those times. I don't even mean to, I try not to. In those moments when I'm startled or taken aback somehow, I guess something like body memory happens? I don't even know if I'm using that term correctly. But it's so reflexive and at the same time I get a rush of an old anxiety or feeling that is beyond just normal thinking on something. Is that a flashback type of thing? I'm not explaining it correctly. I just know it's a different set of physical responses and thought processes than normal responses or processes. It's gone in a flash too. Or at least the involuntary response part of it. Then I just kinda.. feel bad and ashamed/guilty and confused that my stupid mind and body took me there, responded that way. I'm going to stop talking about this now. I've already made a mess of it. I'll post it anyway tho. Maybe I can make sense of it later...can't see it right now:
Was able to pull myself out of my funk partially. H helped me make dinner. We haven't done that in a long time. Used to sometimes cook together, was a drinking activity. But then so many things were. It felt romantic to cook together those times. I guess it felt slightly less so cooking together today sans alcohol but it wasn't bad either. And I really appreciated the help. Beats a kick in the pants certainly.
we had our dinner, I started a load laundry and then we watched our series. We reached the final episode tonite (Lost in Space). Think they'll come out with a new season in 2021. I'm glad that my mood is lifting. Still a bit somber around the edges but not morassed as before.
as always (or at least as typical), nothing has changed--no new solutions. It's just that eventually your mind and mood goes to other things. I'm thankful. I still recall episodes of severe depression when my mood and mind didn't change for long, dismal stretches usually culminating in suicidal ideation, destructive behaviors and a few times in attempts to varying degrees. I'm so thankful those days are long, long gone. Even the days that are worse now lack the severity and persistence of those very low times. Grateful.
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Sun Aug 23 6:24p
out of nowhere I get sad. Going to go have a smoke on the steps and listen to Debussy. Clare de lune always feels sentimental to me. Then I suppose I'll work on the dishes.
H is gone. Even the weekends are no guarantee he'll be home. Is what it is; it's the work. He's slept today otherwise. Know he needs his rest. Maybe I'm just feeling forlorn that the hope of the weekend is almost gone (the hope of time together - or even just not being alone). Have to prepare for another lonely week.
8p
H made it home. Somehow the conversation turned to my feelings of betrayal. He was playing a game on his phone and didn't wish to discuss it. He never wishes to discuss it - it's not an easy topic. He raised his voice and me and I immediately stopped the conversation and asked him to leave to another room. He went outside.
maybe I'm wrong. I could be partially wrong. But if there's never a good time to discuss it then when? It seems my feelings of betrayal are inconvenient to him. So be it.
I'm not a game player, I try not to be. But I'm angry. He wants silence and boundaries?... he's about to get a whole lot of them. He doesn't wish for me to bother him, talk to him, inconvenience him with my worry and heartache over betrayal, infidelity? .. that's fine. We don't have to talk. No communication necessary. You do you. I'll do me.. good luck with that, H. (As you seem not to even know where the silverware is kept- have fun finding out). I will not "inconvenience" you further this evening.
8:40p
he's apologized already. I was outside watching the evening sky on the opposite side of the house. I did not accept, I did not decline. I simply said what I had stated here - that my feelings of betrayal seemed an inconvenience to him, therefore we did not need to discuss it.
.. I guess it's a boundary, I guess I have my "power" back. Altho I'm not certain how to feel about it. Ideally I don't want either of us to "have the upper hand".
but I also think this is something I must see through, stand firm. Going to try this out.
I've had my fair share of very unpleasant evenings and moments. Perhaps it's time for him to have to sit in his own unhappy thoughts for a bit. .. altho, I have no way of knowing what he's thinking. Even I'm being too harsh or if he even cares at all. It would seem he cared - he apologized. He's eating alone now. Guess he does know how to fix his own plate. I'll eat later. I'm thinking he's soon to go to bed.
this is sort of like an experiment and I don't like that I feel the need. I know there are many ways I take him for granted. But I do believe this is one area where he has taken me for granted: that I will stand by him no matter what. Maybe he needs to understand that that does come at a price to me, too.
i don't know.. I just don't know.
Started the day bringing him breakfast in bed. Altho he chose to eat at the counter.
I do try to compensate for my lack of contribution in any worthwhile way with these small efforts of trying to cater to him, smooth his way. I know I make his way more difficult otherwise and in practical ways through my reclusivity and the obvious inconveniences that come with caring for me.
I don't know where that leaves me. I'm unclear as to what is actually proper or just. We've both skewed the relationship so. And maybe I've been the lead cause of our dysfunction.
Am I wrong to expect respect? Do I give respect? .. I don't know that I give enough respect to have earned respect. I guess I still expected keeping our marriage vows intact (forsaking all others) was/is sorta an inalienable right.
but how have I done with keeping my vows? I don't recall the exact and traditional words wholly but I do know that we are to honor each other. We've lapsed in this. This is where I get very confused - what is my responsibility/fault versus your responsibility/fault.
my mind wants to shun the effort in forming the answers to these questions. It is definitely something I need to put a pin in and see if I can't revisit it and firm up this week. This is also part of "putting in the work."
and Bc I'm me, a song comes to mind. Even tho I know we will make it through this and maintain our sacred union, it helps sometimes to express underlying and ebbing and flowing themes.
Lungs by Townes Van Zandt
Well, won't you lend your lungs to me?
Mine are collapsing
Plant my feet and bitterly breathe
Up the time that's passing.
Breath I'll take and breath I'll give
Pray the day ain't poison
Stand among the ones that live
In lonely indecision.
Fingers walk the darkness down
Mind is on the midnight
Gather up the gold you've found
You fool, it's only moonlight.
If you try to take it home
Your hands will turn to butter
You better leave this dream alone
Try to find another.
Salvation sat and crossed herself
Called the devil partner
Wisdom burned upon a shelf
Who'll kill the raging cancer
Seal the river at it's mouth
Take the water prisoner
Fill the sky with screams and cries
Bathe in fiery answers
Jesus was an only son
And love his only concept
Strangers cry in foreign tongues
And dirty up the doorstep
And I for one, and you for two
Ain't got the time for outside
Just keep your injured looks to you
We'll tell the world we tried
It's almost midnight. I'm uncomfortable trying to sleep in the living room. Going to go ahead and go lie down in bed. Even tho it means sleeping next to you. I'm still not happy tonight, wrong or right.
i remember when you were gone all I wanted was for you to be back. You even wrote me the same. After all these years we definitely each missed the presence of the other simply lying next to us.
i also recall the nights you locked me out. nights I slept in the mules' stall on the ground and hay, nights I slept on the bare wood floor on the uninsulated back porch next to the water heater. ... after all this years you still think it's a funny joke to lock me outside. It's not funny. And altho now you do it only for seconds or minutes, I find it passive aggressive. You may not recall the drunken nights when you locked me out all nite and went to our bed to slumber a drunken and unbothered sleep, but I do. My sleep was not so great on a hard wood floor with no cover, my sleep was not so great at the feet of our curious and bewildered mules.
is it any wonder that one night I ran to to the railroad tracks in my nightgown in despair? To contemplate if it were worth it to throw myself under the wheels of a passing train?
nights I've slept by your side with my mind torn or numb, my body too. Nights, a few, I've slept next to you sore or bruised.
You did this. Whatever I may have done - these things are yours. These things cannot remain forgiven all the time. Some times they will rise up in me. But I won't name the emotions.
Full disclosure
and it's good I write these things down so I can examine my actions and motives.
altho I write that "you did this," that these actions are yours alone, the truth is not so simple. Altho you may have locked me out -- why did you lock me out? Was I not intoxicated too? Had I not argued with viscous words or caused some unpleasant scene? Overcome with my vehement emotions. Wrong of you to lock me out but which came first? My actions came first. If I had behaved decently you wouldn't have grown so cold to me. I was cold to you first.
by the time of our last apartment this was often not the case. By then you were becoming a sometimes mean whiskey drunk that I dated not cross most times. By then I was subjugate and your actions unprovoked. But it didn't start out that way long ago. Long ago I was the provoker. So what did I expect? I expected never to reap what I had sown? Foolish, foolish.
if your love sometimes turns cold am I not to blame? I don't want it to be true. I want to deny that it must be true? The things we've done to each other are a shame, trying to make our good love turn bad.
can I accept my part?.. I do not know.
I guess I'm not done arguing this out in my mind or thinking on the past.
i remember when I was in a class for the unemployed/underemployed. It was a fairly long program and we were together all day. Mon-Fri. A few months' worth. What kept us all coming back was not even the desire to become gainfully employed so much as the group counseling aspects to it. We bonded, we shared our histories and our struggles. We worked on our fears and our self-esteems with a little hope for the future thrown in. We were a small group of women of various ages and backgrounds. Men could be in the class - our class just didn't happen to have any.
during this time you and I had had a physical confrontation. Or rather, you had had a physical confrontation with me, I believe. I didn't even realize I was hurt a little bit until I got back to class either the next day or after the weekend. What I do recall is feeling very protective of the right side of my body. And when I attempted to lift my right arm to write notes I found that I had to use my left arm to raise my arm right arm to the table. It was embarrassing and I tried to do it discreetly. I had a hitch in my right arm.. my whole right side hurt. If anyone noticed they were kind enough not to say anything.
but I recall my three closer classmates worrying another time after that when I missed class. When I showed back up the day after they said they had almost driven out to my house to check on me. They implied they had worried H might've hurt me. And it seemed so peculiar to me. Bc I'm not that woman. It's not like that and there's no cause to lump me in that category. Similar comments have been made occasionally.. it's odd. Maybe some women or people just worry. Surely that is all it is. Or it's me - and I'm portraying myself as a victim as I am now. Much more of a victim than I truly am. I can't get it to balance. I'm sorry I'm this way. I'm sorry I cannot see myself for what I am. I'm not that hurt, it wasn't that bad.. I'm no victim. If anything,he's also partly my victim. But it does stick in my mind how I didn't even realize how much my body did hurt until I got around other people and like an animal felt the need to hide my weakness. Maybe being around others heightened it. But I really think I was just kinda unaware until I got around people if that makes sense. I think when left to the empty hours alone in my home I must've just disappeared into the walls, become one with the furniture endlessly drifting in half-derealized states.
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Mon Aug 24 9:54a
broken sleep last night. got up two hours ago.... time passes.
should try to change my mood/thoughts. lost, drifting. my left eye is very weak. been needing an eye checkup for quite some time.
dont want to shake from this company cocoon. don't wanna be anything.
it's not as bad as it's been before. I'm able to type, I'm thinking alright. sometimes I have the desire to not think, have nothing touch me. closed off, wrapped in cotton and moving so slow, so slow it's as if I'm not moving at all. stillness required. not well. a sort of self-imposed pseudo catatonia to keep all thoughts and emotions at bay. (If I'm completely still they won't notice me and will go away. cannot bear more).
it will pass. trying not to allow myself this state. would be so easy, so easy just to give in. but I'll move instead. go on front steps.
thinking back on our small class. continued to see the counselor from there at various times. That's how I learned that my closest friend from that class had died. She returned to speed/meth and died counselor said. T from that class died too. Heroin overdose. So young. The last time I had spoken to T was shortly before the end of that program. I had argued with her Bc I was jealous. Jealous that she was class favorite. Foolish of me.. selfish. I didn't know she'd return to heroin. I didn't respect her struggle. Now she's gone. forever 19 (and younger). so young. How do I know if we exist beyond this realm? How do I know what she is, if anything.
tragic, a shame. that's all I know.
5:15pm
still so exhausted. seems all I can do is sleep, wake, sleep. Can't seem to break free. Still stuck in this. Today I've managed to slap together a tuna fish sandwich for H and myself. (had made the tuna salad the other day). Other than that, attended a mindfulness session here just trying to do something, anything positive. No will, no drive. Must sleep. Sleep pulls me in.
I don't feel good. Fatigued. My heart hurts literally, the muscle/organ. I have a pain in my back between my shoulders and my head feels fuzzy. Not screwed on right. I'm ready for these feelings to pass. I'm ready to feel better. Don't know what to do to feel better so going to rest/sleep.
altho I'm very tired, it's like being emotionally on the cruddy side is taking a physical toll, I keep waking up too. Same last night. Broken sleep sometimes waking as often as every 45munutes to an hour. I'm really ready for this to pass.
Finally awoke for the setting of the sun with a modicum of clarity. Like waking the morning after a few days of a cold and finding that you finally do, yes, on this day feel better - the mental fog has lifted. At least enough.
I decided to use the old coffee from Sunday .. (it was only yesterday?.. seems so long ago)
anyway. I decided to use the old coffee from yesterday to make an iced smoothie. Sat on the step watching the sun setting and the birds and worked on it. The weather is nice. It's the whipped cream and the maraschino cherries on top (and the almond extract added in) that really make it. I suppose it's not too many calories? I really don't know. I'm kinda afraid to calculate and find out of it is. Probably the ovaltine is the most calories Bc I'm sure it's mainly sugar. Anyway, was nice. And nice to have this heavy feeling gone presently.
my life is a series of songs that pervade down the years. On the step thinking of Ane Brun's Changing of the Seasons.
ive decided not to be angry with H any longer.
actually decided during Mindfulness discussion today. And we've been talking like normal. I'm no good at the silent treatment. And perhaps the fault was really mine. It just hurt to be cursed and shouted down. Small matter. How many times have I done the same to him?
he's been so kind, so kind since he realized how it hurt my feelings. It'd be silly to pretend to stay angry with him.
altho the hurts I feel are real (and confused), they seem to be a separate thing from him.
he's at his aa meeting. Will be home soon. He's been exhausted too lately. Seems the whole world has. Anyway, he agreed we might watch a movie when he gets back. I found one we might enjoy: The Burnt Orange Heresy.. I'll hope he'll be agreeable to watching it with me and up for watching a movie.
It's good to feel better again, mostly improved. And it's good to remember that this life we have together-- it really is good and we really are fortunate.