things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
Got H sent off to work with breakfast. He's been coming home more for lunch. I'm happy about that. Usually doesn't have time to sit and eat but he calls ahead and I have him something ready. Lots of times the only time I hear from him during the day. I know he's busy and it's not his fault I get lonely.
made myself a heavier breakfast than H. H doesn't wake me, bless his heart.. he's so used to not having me take care of him and doing everything himself that he just doesn't expect much from me. I should start setting an alarm like a decent human being. I used to set an alarm but I wouldn't actually get up. So I stopped even pretending. It's time to set it and not pretend - actually get up and get him sent off correctly with breakfast.
so today was just three little leftover crescent rolls nuked with butter and preserves for H. I have had only cigs and not as much food as I'm used to so I made myself a breakfast sandwich. I would've made one for him. I wasn't awake in time. He's almost two hours at work already. I feel guilty but not guilty enough to stop myself.
the flip side of this is all the days I've always been stranded at home (and home voluntarily anyway and Bc leaving the house seemed/seems an insurmountable task) without much in the way of food and he would eat out breakfast and lunch. I've been so voluntarily helpless that it's ridiculous.
anyway. Not going back to that mentality. It's not his job to make sure I feed myself or perform basic self care.
have the sheets washing. have my phone counseling today. Was thinking of wading thru these entries of mine to try to form some type of good days/bad days tally before appt today. Maybe see if there's any key notes or takeaways yet.
other tasks for the day:
1. Dry sheets
2. wash blankets/dry
3. make bed
4. shower
5. dishes
6. pull chicken down to thaw so can marinate for dinner tomorrow.
*****************
Tues Aug 25 11:30a
sheets still washing. The way I wash them the load takes close to 90minutes.. they just don't make washing machines like they used to. I do prefer top loaders. This one is a generic inexpensive top loader and still almost too fancy. I miss the days of being able to prepare the water and get it sudsing and then add in my laundry like a witch standing over her cauldron stirring in ingredients. It worked especially well for whites/bleach items. I realize it was a safety hazard for children... not applicable for us. Anyway, laundry is washing.
working on the task of qualifying and tallying good/bad days. Phone appt soon. Need to boil a few eggs and pull down that chicken. Need to unload dishwasher and put away clean laundry. Getting dishes ready for washing. I wish I could bring myself to do dishes and laundry at the same time. Or wash laundry and shower at the same time. I have all these water hang-ups. It's probably just my nature. Not having enough hot water to do two things at once back in the day may have contributed but I was already so inclined. Foolish? It's foolish. I wish I wasn't this way. Wish I could make myself believe I'm not stealing hot water from laundry if I do dishes or shower while it's going. Especially since it takes so damn long to wash anything (the washing machine). But I'm very grateful for it, very grateful.
After appt if I don't feel I can tackle dishes while it's washing maybe I can at least finally put our staples box together.
****
also it has dawned on me: how very different my life would be if I more often felt okay like I do now. Meaning without the extra burden of depression or mental fog and the accompanying low energy that makes it so difficult to attempt anything.
... is this how most people feel normally? I really don't know. Or do they feel tired and like crap most the time too and just push thru anyway?
This tallying isn't easy. Even reading back over my entries I cannot tell/decide how to rate my days.
I've decided to use Good/Okay/Bad as a measure. This isn't very exact. I thought I was doing a much better job of writing down which chores I did or did not complete.
need to work on that and also maybe just try to give each day an overall rating at end of day:good, bad, okay.
i base this both on productivity and mood/thoughts which makes it a bit tricky and definitely subjective especially in mixed days (whether mixed productivity or up and down moods).
anyway for the first two weeks this is what I've kinda come up with:
WEEK ONE, WEEK TWO
Good: 3 Okay: 3 Bad: 1
Good: 2 Okay: 2 Bad: 3
Going to ask counselor about the tally. If she thinks I should do an overall for the day that includes productivity and mood combined or if I should make two tallies: one based on mood, one based on actions
8.25.20 tues 9:55p
im calling it. dozing off already.
chores completed:
1. Sheets washed, bed sanitized
2. chicken pulled down to thaw
3. lunch made for H, cx salad made for me
4. brkfst, lunch, dinner in fair portions, tea. (Too much soda)
5. Counseling (went well)
6. group discussion, conflict resolution (notes)
7. stayed out of chat
8. prewashed dishes
9. dishes put away/misc pick up
undone:
1. Dishes
2. blankets washed/bed made
3. shower
4. staples box
5. laundry put away
Mood: Good, stable Action: Okay, tired/not great attempt to push thru
8.25.20 Tues 7:20p
H came home and tried to find something to watch for himself on Netflix, never settled on anything, had some cx noodle soup and has already been in bed over 30minutes.
the lonely day will soon become the lonely night. I'm ok right now.
and I know he's tired. And it's not like I didn't speak to counselor on phone for thirty minutes.
for thirty minutes I used my actual vocal chords. Guess that's a day, right?
I'm trying to leave hub alone. Stay out of his way. I spoke to him around 1pm for literally 30seconds to ask if he wanted a sandwich for lunch. He said yes and I made it up but he never made it home. Another 30secs at end of day to tell me he was coming home.
some evenings we talk. .. but really this is fairly typical. I'd say about half or a little more than half the evenings we spend a little time together watching Netflix with a little conversation.
I don't think our dialogue for a couple together as long as we've been is necessarily way under par - especially counting his tiredness.
I just think that most other people *do* speak to others or see others in a typical day even if briefly. I did *see* my neighbor mowing down his property.. a figure on a tractor. Not that we live that remotely but my eyesight is poor.
must do more "must do more to help H.. he's too tired". All I can do is at the house. I'm unwilling to step off the property or be around people. It is where I am. .. it's even part of who I'll most likely always be. But someday, maybe, not to this extreme degree.
*****************************
Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:12a
slept a full eight hours uninterrupted. I typically do not sleep this long in one setting but I'm thinking it was good that I did this time. I think that I actually feel rested. No residual fatigue, no headache. Get to start the day with a clean slate.
i forgot to set an alarm but heard H's. While he slept I prepared coffee and a breakfast and snack to go with the sandwich he wasn't able to come home for yesterday for lunch. Ran his shirt in dryer to shake out some wrinkles.. I need to get better about hanging things as the dryer stops. Otherwise, it becomes an added chore to get the wrinkles out and I'm not one to iron.
debating on rewashing the sheets on a light cycle since I left them in washing machine yesterday.
was proud to give H a breakfast sandwich since I had one yesterday when he did not. He did much, much more on less food. So it feels slightly redemptive?
He slept a full 12 hours. It still seems he is tired. :/ (guilt, guilt)
but knowing I will not leave property (and quite frankly have no transportation to go anywhere unless he picked me up), all I know to do is push the guilt away and have a better chore day today.
will start with egg on toast, half an apple and coffee. (Half an apple Bc I have one cut from making cx salad yesterday. Plus half an apple is plenty).
I need to recall that coffee, peanut buttter, crackers and a small orange make a good snack/meal.
also apple, cheese, hard boiled egg, crackers.
maybe another idea would be celery, cottage cheese and apple (with a few crackers).
so, to begin:
1. breakfast
2. rewash sheets on light cycle. (Yes, we had to sleep on bare mattress with only the blankets. Must do better). It's not good enough. Not for H. And shouldn't be for me either. It's not proper self care or proper care of others.
i really really really struggle with self care and care of others.
so maybe I should commend my efforts,altho so slight compared to other's abilities/efforts, rather than discourage my small progresses.
so, today instead of putting myself down, God, please can I just ... do a few things and do them guilt-free? please. amen.
8.26.20 8:40a
this may be a hold my own hand kind of day. Egg and toast cooking, sheets restarted in lightest, coldest cycle.
after breakfast I will make myself get in the shower before I change my mind.
8.26.20 10:57a
out of the shower. Shaky, jittery nerves. Could be the coffee and cigarettes. Kinda tired from my efforts both physically and mentally/emotionally. Been working this whole time. Wanted to place mark how long. Breaking for a smoke.
dislike my body very much. I know I should be grateful for it. It's a source of constant worry, shame and embarrassment, a heavy burden.
I was going to write about how much I don't like my body or the constant strain of caring for it, the toll it takes on my mind and emotional well-being and sense of self esteem. But that seems a lot to get into right now and I don't think I'm up for it. Besides I need to try to continue to chore.
I'm disappointed that I feel so shaky and tired already. As if anymore effort would truly be too much and upset the apple cart.
its stupid maybe but will try one positive affirmation in this sea of unpleasantness:
I like the tan lines on my feet. From the outdoor flip flop/garden sandal type clogs I've worn all summer. I like how my toenails are so white against my skin. (Altho they need trimming ). .. it's odd to me.. that I guess this body did get sun this summer, relatively so.
thank you for the sun, the vitamin d. How much worse off would I have been without it? Grateful. I know it's not so easily accessible to all. I'm grateful I'm not stuck inside any longer. That I can at least consistently travel to the yard. If I lived in town, there's no way I'd be comfortable going outside consistently. But out here I am mostly away from prying eyes. Mostly. And I have to let that be good enough. (I'm never away from my own prying mind, seldom away from the thought that someone sees me). But out here I can negate that thought enough to go outside.
8.26.20 11:18a
now to list the things I've accomplished today:
1. Breakfast, lunch, snack for H.
2. Breakfast for myself and babies
3. sheets rewashed
4. vaccuum cleaner canister and filters cleaned - outside. (This took quite awhile and reminds me that when the canister is full I should empty it and rinse it so it can dry before next use). Also, I need some type of little brushes to really get into the crevices Bc damp and dry paper towels was time-consuming and not as effective.
5. Black dog bathed and towel dried. Floor mopped up with his towel. Need to shake it and bath mats out outside and wash which will be a two-step process: a rinse load and then a washing load.
6. Shampooed hair brush
7. showered and dried and powdered and moisturized this body I dislike so much.
8. Sprayed sanitizer (Lysol type spray) on mattress. Dislike using an aerosol but unsure how else to "clean" it. Thinking of doing the same to bare pillows and let them air out before making up bed. Planning to vacuum mattress first, if it will work. Then at least vacuum the bedroom floor.
feel like I'm forgetting something but I guess that's what I've done.
already feeling as if food might be necessary again.. it's prob the damn coffee and cigarettes and my nerves. Surely it's not time to eat lunch yet?... I don't know what to do.
Decided to eat after all. I'm just so shaky. My hands are shaking. As I diced things for salad they were shaking. Still shaky.
for lunch: lettuce, carrots, pecans chopped with cx salad and some Parmesan on top. Italian dressing, saltines. The dressing, pecans and saltines are prob unnecessary fats and sugars. Guilt over that but going to do anyway. Diet green iced tea to drink. Should be lemon water but . Again.
and yes, I'm the same person that can wolf down a cheeseburger and fries Bc "I deserve it". This is also why I dislike my relationship with food.
my relationship with my body, food, exercise (I don't exercise)-- all out of whack.
when I start to diet I worry how I'm doing it wrong and either mess up and opt for a burger or worry incessantly about measurements and calories and fat, carb, sodium levels. Portion control a problem. When I get to dieting (which is rare), I have found myself restricting more and more. Paring it all down to 900 cals a day. Often only taking in 700-500 calories a day. My last two dieting efforts went this way but in short duration. And so much Work.. all the counting and calculating and measuring. Like a full time job just to prepare the food and get it right. But dieting (and exercise) probably should be my full-time job until I can get my weight under control. It's so stressful and tiring.
my mother says it's ok not to eat every day. my sister asked me why don't I just get a surgery already. Both things hurt my feelings.
when I'm not dieting but the diet monster rears it's head, sometimes if I feel too guilty I go thru periods of purging.
despite all of this, I do not have an eating disorder. My focus on this subject and attempts are way too sporadic and fleeting to be on that level. Besides, I'm just not. But I am overweight. More horribly so that I can even bear to think about most times.
the purpose of food is obviously nourishment. I always want it to be comfort, always fear I'm not "getting enough".
I do think that food should be enjoyed. Like I see nothing wrong with a good meal. But it doesn't have to be a main and constant focus.
my relationship with food needs to be one where I'm more consistently aware of it as a tool in self care, a refueling - and at proper times and appropriate amounts to get the job done.
like right now: it's good to eat lunch. It's good to make that lunch a slightly healthier option than I may have otherwise. That's enough. That's a start. That will help quell the fact that I over-caffeinated today. It should restore me so I can chore again (after a slight rest).
the cigarettes don't help, they hinder, I know. They add to the shakiness and uneasiness. But I'm addicted and it's not going to change right now.
so, work on what I can: more appropriate food choices to fuel my body (self care) and at the appropriate times and in smaller portions if I can (self care). Add in some lemon water to daily intake in place of sodas (self care)
8.26.20 1:33p
another task started that took considerably longer than anticipated: preparing the bath mats and dog towel for the washing machine.
had to sun dry the dog towel a bit so I could then shake the dog hair out of it. Beat out the bath mats outside and that really took some doing. And it tore up some of my nails as I tried to pick things out of them. They didn't appear filthy filthy but upon further inspection they really were. One I knew was - it had been in the spare bathroom. The one recently reclaimed from the cats. About 2, maybe 3 weeks ago (and just after buying a new litter pan) decided that I was done with having cats use a box in my house. I detest litter. We have all of the outdoors at our disposal. So closeting the unused new pan just in case (God forbid) and have trained them that outside is the place to go. Decided now was best time before weather turns colder. Hopefully they'll be in the habit come winter.
so glad we have the ability to let them go outside. And so glad to be rid of the burden of a litter box. Disgusting things and unnatural to keep in one's home.
it feels nicer just having it gone. So, even tho we don't really use that bathroom am making strides to reclaim it. We keep the door closed to it and the spare bedrooms and the master closet etc. altho I love my babies I do not want them in every room unattended or on certain surfaces. No counter surface for instance. That's just gross. (Altho pie will sometimes ge in the bathroom sink and it is kinda cute).
its a chore living with this dirt and wind and the constant dust it brings into the house. It's a chore trying to contend with pet hair. But our lives would be so much emptied without our babies. So I'm just gonna have to break down and get a swifter and get better at keeping things up. ... it all does add to the feeling of overwhelm and I think I need my life simple.
playing catch-up.
two things I have been missing and don't know where they are: the dustpan and my debit card.
i was going to purchase that cleanser and a few things from BedBathBeyond. Haven't been able to Bc I don't know where my card is. Guess I could call bank. ... I'm not certain I've even known where my card is for quite sometime. I had H's while he was incarcerated. .. not certain I even had mine then. Who knows how long I've misplaced it?
as for the dustpan, I think H inadvertently took it to the shop. I need it back.
8.26.20 2:50p
so stupid that I feel like crying and giving up. I'm dusty again from beating out the bath mats. I thought I was so smart cleaning the vacuum canister before getting in the shower. But now what do I do about feeling like I'm covered in a thin layer of silt? There's no way I'm going thru the process of showering again right now. I guess I could wash my face and take a damp cloth to my legs and arms and change shirts. Because I still need to push thru and try out vacuuming this bed but don't wanna just get it dirtier from bathmat silt. Guess I can do that. I need a better lotion. This lotion is like soap and sucks. The water here is hard and dries out our skin. Even H has mentioned it. We're currently in a dilemma over what bathroom products to buy to combat this. We use cheap stuff.. it'll have to be inexpensive but surely there's something that can help. Maybe I use too much laundry detergent? I've tried to cut back bc I'm not certain it was all rinsing out.
how the h can I have so much trouble just doing basic daily chores?? Going to vacuum this damn bed. .. I don't have to like it. I'm just worried that these simple things seem beyond me and seem to overwhelm. And embarrassed that I'm this way.... who has this much trouble with such simple things?
I should remind myself that this is progress-- I'm making progressive today even if it doesn't feel like it. I swept the front steps. I folded the sheets and pillow cases Bc the mattress isn't ready for them yet. I feel like I could eat again, like my reserves are already gone. This is all so hard and it's the most basic stuff in the world. But this is me many days. This is when choring is truly a challenge Bc I'm grinding it too fine and can't just be ok with my results/progress. If this is hitting my mental or emotional wall, I'm just gonna have to suck it up and push thru. Thankful I can do that today.
8.26.20 5:58p
that was a valiant effort on my part. Am just about done for the day. Don't wanna have all my choring adventures at once. The only other thing I can think of that would help that mattress is to burn it. And since we need it sleep on, no.
all that's left to do (or all that I'm going to do for the day aside from maybe a one more load of laundry/undecided on that) is to marinate the chicken and make up the bed.
(8.26.20) 1:24a
had a productive day. made it thru even a difficult moment or two. I think I am somewhat proud that I stuck to it and I'm not going to examine it more closer. Don't want to discount my efforts.
last words from H tonite were "f u".. as I slammed the door. So I guess we didn't escape our usually argument over something. I was probably out of line again. I just really miss feeling cherished by him. I don't know if I just won't see his efforts or if they're not there. .. we seem to be mostly be missing the other in our communications and in our efforts somehow. I'm not going to think on those things right now. I don't really want my heart to ache and worry. I just wish I could feel like he was still in love with me. I know he loves me. I think. I'm almost certain. It just hurts to feel like I desire time spent with him and he sees me more as a burden or an obligation. Dammit.. I'm trying. I can honestly say that I am. Maybe it'll be enough some day soon.
he's trying to. As my folks have reminded me in the past: he's doing all he can to keep body and soul together for us both. (I have to contribute something). This feels like belittling my effort today. But it took just about everything I had. It was a good chore day. Just have to keep at it. I think I may cry after all. When I go to bed right now. And the sad thing is-- I know that even if he heard me chances are he wouldn't say a word. Maybe I won't. Yeah, I don't think I will after all. My heart is just heavy. Besides, I mastered the silent cry and the silent scream when I was just a kid - all those late night pleadings with God, I couldn't wake my sister who was sleeping right beside me.
i just never thought it would be like this. If he cried I would comfort him. It's not like I make a habit of crying. Anyway. Just thought it might be cathartic but I can't force it. Twice today tears did well in my eyes but they barely fell. I just.. didn't feed that feeling. Tamp it back down. Because what's the point in tears anyhow? And I know if something so horrible happened that I just couldn't stand it that I'd be able to cry then. So maybe they should be reserved for real problems.
as long as our marriage isn't disintegrating I don't guess this is a real problem. Everyone has their health as far as I know. Time to just rest and maybe pray I can do as well tomorrow as I did today.
Recap for the day:
1. Breakfast for everyone, sent H off to work with food. (Although for 2nd day in a row he didn't eat the sandwich. Today he got pizza instead)
2. Rewashed sheets
3. Emptied and cleaned vacuum canister and filters
4. bathed and dried black dog incl cleaning his ears
5. showered, washed hairbrush
6. Shook out and laundry washed bath mats, folded sheets and pillow cases
7. swept front steps
8. had a healthy lunch cx salad-salad
9. Rewashed face, appendages, brushed teeth (this was during a feeling of frustration and overwhelm and what I deemed to be the day slipping away with what felt like so lil done and tiredness and anxiety setting in. Altho it was an obvious compromising solution, it took a lot of effort for me to think of it. I'm proud I thought of it Bc really in that state or approaching that state I don't think well). So to come up with a solution and implement- kudos to me.
10. cleaned bathroom sink
10. vacuumed bed, bed bench and window sills (took a very long time)
11. vacuumed bedroom floor
12. made bed
13. small portion eggplant parm for dinner. Drank more tea than sodas today
Mood: Good/okay Action: GOOD
******************************
Thur Aug 27 8:20a
already not feeling great (mentally). Slept 4/4.5 hrs last night - didn't get to sleep until about 4a.
whether I'm right or wrong and whether it's my own doing or not, I feel alone and taken for granted. sometimes it feels like I might as well actually be part of the furniture and like I'm just an inconvenience and a nuisance.
am I a nuisance when I pick your clothes up off the floor? carry your trash to the trash bag take your dishes to the sink? am I a nuisance when I cook your meals and serve them to you?.. I'm just sad.
you have no time for me. 😔.. and I'm lonely.
sometimes it feels more like I'm waiting on the promise of you more than you yourself. Maybe you feel the same about me.
I'm saddened and betrayed... why did you have to do this to us? Did you really have no other option? You could've talked to me. You didn't have to single-handedly decide our joint fate. I wouldn't do that to you. ... you didn't have to do that.
8.26.20 8:30a
so. it is with a slightly heavy heart today that I try to get myself started on choring. not hungry. don't want any coffee. I ask you what you'd like for breakfast... it never crosses your mind what or if I have anything to eat. I guess you assume that I'd either tell you if we were out of something and also, it's not like I haven't always made do. Obviously. It's very obvious to look at me that I don't go without food.
maybe there is no easy time to try and change one's lifestyle, to adopt healthier eating habits or start exercising. But dammit, if right now is not exactly optimal. Can't be helped; should be done.
and I don't want today to be a low energy day. One of the most difficult things I'm finding I must do is to live my life now as if I must soldier on without you.. learn to live without you. Even tho you're still here. It just feels awfully alone. Maybe it has for a very long time and I haven't had the strength to face it. Maybe I knew if I started to try - anything - in any area of my life basically, that I wouldn't be able to keep myself from noticing the state of not only myself but the state of our union.
altho I know it's truly you that have broken your back for me and not the other way around... and altho you really don't probably take me for granted, I guess I just need to hear this song. this version is ok, not great, but I couldn't do with the old time bleary instrumentals on the real versions. The words tho. They strike a sad nerve "breaking my heart" and "not knowing if I've done my part"
I realized it's me - I take him for granted. The lyrics in the first verse. I'm going to call him right now and apologize.. I wasn't nice this morning. I hope he picks up.
8.27.20 9:40a
seems a lot of things (maybe doesn't apply to all situations but certainly can apply here) are all about how we choose to perceive them. I saw I was going down a wrong track. One that doesn't account fully enough for what I can do to change things or take into account your good actions. So, going to change my mind. And I need to start on chores soon.
First time we met is a favorite memory of mine
They say time changes all it pertains to
But your memory is stronger than time
I guess everything does change except what you choose to recall
There's a million good daydreams to dream on
... you are my favorite memory of all
***
You hear the sound,
you wait around and get the word
You see the picture changing everything you've heard
Destroying you with this must be the one you love
Must be the one whose magic touch can change your mind
When you're confused and the world has got you down
When you feel used and you just can't play the clown
Protecting you from this must be the one you love
Must be the one whose magic touch can change your mind
Don't let another day go by
When you get weak, and you need to test your will
When life's complete, but there's something missing still
Distracting you from this must be the one you love
Must be the one whose magic touch can change your mind
Destroying you (change your mind)
Embracing you (change your mind)
Protecting you (change your mind)
Confining you (change your mind)
Distracting you (change your mind)
Supporting you (change your mind)
Distorting you (change your mind)
Controlling you (change your mind) Change your mind (change your mind) Change your mind, change your mind (change your mind) Change your mind (change your mind)
Embracing you (change your mind)
Concealing you (change your mind)
Protecting you (change your mind)
Revealing you (change your mind)
Change your mind, change your mind (change your mind)
8.27.20 12:48p
never has breakfast other than a glass of pineapple juice. But just ate the last serving of eggplant parm for lunch. Currently lying in bed. Had even just set the alarm for a 45min nap. Figured I "deserved it" Bc I'm upset over relationship and I did so well yesterday and only slept 4hrs last night. But you know what? That's stinking thinking.
so I'm going to get up out of bed, have a smoke. Then I'm going to make this bed and start on the dishes.
i told counselor on Tuesday (think it was Tuesday) that just for one week I wanted to try not to fall down the rabbit hole... it's not like it won't be waiting for me after the week is over. I even told her my idea to interrupt this fall would be to stop and go splash water on my face.
i completely forgot about both my idea to try not to ruminate/splash water until now.
im torn Bc I would like to discuss my relationship (our relationship) in a productive way with someone, but I'd like for it to be free of all the snares I usually get myself caught in. Namely, ruminating to the exclusion of all else until I'm undone for hours or days. I mean, really, who needs that? (It's just that I always think this time might be that time I actually fix it ((the past)) ). Putting that on hold. Splash water. Get up, get doing. Can revisit this later. Don't feel like it but.. have to start doing things I do not feel like if I want to make progress.
2:05p
dont have it in me. no energy. it's not good enough but this is how I am.
he left his ring sitting on the coffee table. I know why he did and it's not for any emotional reason, more of a practical one. Still, it strikes a worry and fear in my stomach and mind, a tinge of pain in my heart. what if he's grown tired of me? What if I've hurt him so bad by being weak, critical and mean and basically useless that he's just over it? .. what if his love has grown cold?
i can't stand it, can't stand for those worries to be true. Surely they are worries only.
so tired
I let myself ruminate. Twice since I last wrote and said I was going to do the dishes. I guess I do give up this easily. So hurt, so hurt by you. It's overwhelming type of hurt
I know what I should do: I should do the dishes and make dinner, pick up a bit. I should leave you alone. .. am I that strong? I've never been before. My fear of losing you drives my desire to check up on you. Call you and show my hand, show my weakness. Making me even less desirable in your eyes. I don't like this. I don't like either choice. I don't like pretending to be weak, don't like pretending to be strong.
please God, what's the middle ground in all of this? What's the right way? Please God, show me.
Feeling like utter crap. Emotionally. So out of whack. Maybe I do need my hormones checked. Maybe I just need a counselor who specializes in .. in what? Fkd up relationships?ppl that don't even know how to deal with themselves in their own skin or minds? I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being pulled back to it all the time. Why can't it ever just leave me alone? Why can't I ever just have some peace and be ok