things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
********************************
Fri Aug 28 7:12a
yesterday was a complete wash. didn't complete a single chore (other than arguing with H, showing all my insecurities and irritabilities and then luckily and thankfully making up with him). He, at least, seemed to have a better day overall. We were able to end the day with laughter and love towards each other so it can't be that bad, right? Grateful to have that.
if I were to rate yesterday: Mood: Bad/okay Action: BAD
***
little man woke me up with songs n biscuits. slept 5 or 6 hrs. Woke with headache and dry throat (apnea probably).
going to make breakfast for H, get a shirt in the dryer to shake out wrinkles. been getting more love lately from ta-ta-toes, he always surprises me, such a big quiet calm gentle man
8.28.20 8:06a
got H sent off with a sack of goodies for lunch, breakfast, snack. He seemed happy about it. And that I got the wrinkles out of his shirt. He needs more already. His work is hard on clothes. Supposed to be such a hot day later. Is nice right now.
Babies have breakfast. Next, me, I guess. It's difficult for me to get hungry for breakfast. I've decided today is going to be a good day (I hope). I will do the dishes.
to do:
1. breakfast
2. dishes
3. make bed
8.28.20 9:48a
it's gotten windy this morning awhile back. seemingly to me out of nowhere. guess I did notice it slightly around 8 when I went out for my smoke... I've been just kinda content and lost in time. But my stomach is beginning to growl. It's time to get this day started. I'd like to ease into it - keep this frame of mind, this quiet calm contentedness. I'm thinking coffee (altho not as much as the other day), some hard cheddar slices, an apple, a hard boiled egg and a few either saltines, triscuits or toast.
then I'm going to try to see if I can sustain this state of mind/mood while starting other chores.
8.28.20 10:46a
two thoughts before I start the dishes: journaling and eating.
1. mindful eating: for the first time in a while I ate quietly (as in mindfully), not rushed, not mind on other things. It was good and I was proud of my choices. I felt they were both healthy and satisfying. And in proper portion. Half an apple was again enough, two pieces of a flax bread cracker enough, one egg, some hard cheddar, coffee - perfect. I think if I slow down when I can and allow my mind and body to work out and accept what nourishment choices I choose that in time I will be able to listen to my body better and learn my natural needs and limitations. Long term goal.
listening to my body has always been something I actively and maybe subconsciously avoid. So it was nice not to be at odds with it and more open, accepting.
2. journaling. watched an episode of a series on connections last night. This episode was on privacy, artificial intelligence, facial recognition, etc. mentioned something called the Privacy Paradox. Might look briefly into that a bit more later on.
ive been ambivalent (I guess is the word), uneasy about my decision to start a journal entry here. After all, I could do this in a physical journal or even a private document.
pros to writing a private offline journal:
* possibly write a bit freer and maybe more (or less) as it wouldn't be for an "audience"
* is perhaps better way, more autonomous? Google says: (in Kantian moral philosophy) acting in accordance with one's moral duty rather than one's desires.
cons:
* I dislike the time it takes to write with pen/pencil. My handwriting is atrocious and at times I even have difficulty reading it.
* but mostly, I'm not ready yet to leave the sheltering sense of supposed validation and being "heard"/acknowledged. sometimes I even think it may help me to examine my motives a tad more closely or rethink an entry after I've posted.
so I guess the takeaway is:
*continue to practice more mindful eating at least a few times during week.
* revisit where to journal/purpose-goal at a later date. (Unfortunately I still feel the "need" to continue journaling here for now)
8.28.20 1:12p
worked for two hours on dishes. still have the last little bit left for this load. good effort tho. it's becoming a bit more of a revelation to me that as I chore I must problem solve things for this task or that. It might seem simple to many but I am not finding it so. I am glad when I do work out what I feel is an acceptable solution. I've known that I've been living too sedentary of a life but what I had not realized was just how much my mind was addling as well. It's good to be making these small efforts back to using both.
heard a text coming thru and checked it in case it was H or mom. Wasn't a text for me, was for H. Until very recently, maybe even just in that moment ha, I would have wanted to call H and there's a good chance I would have - to see what was going on or if he felt ok about it haha. .. have to laugh at myself Bc I'm certain that's exasperating to him rather than helpful. I stopped myself and thought: he's a big boy, how many problems is he constantly running into? How many decisions is he making all the time? As owner, it is many. He does not need my help or concern in this matter. I can ask him what the matter was and if it turned out alright this evening - listen to him and give him a chance to be heard and share his day/feel supported/acknowledged. The best thing I can do to support us both is to continue the tasks put before Me (not him).
im on fire today.. doing so well : )
will finish up these dishes, marinate the chicken (finally, i swear..), eat something Bc I'm getting hungry again and make the bed.
8.28.20 3p
another good 1.5 of effort. Pot/pans done. Chicken deskinned/fat removed, first part of marination done.
still need to make the bed, start a load of laundry, eat (maybe make some sun tea) .. then I'm going to rest!
8.28.20 11:45p
tasks completed today:
1. Breakfast, lunch, snack for
2. cleaned sink, thorough large load of dishes
3. prepped and marinated cx, cleaned sink
4. made bed
5. made suntea
6. one load laundry (rinse, wash)
7. took compost scraps outside
8. kept mood balanced (left H to work in peace)
9. showered
10. ate three meals: 2 healthy, all 3 smaller portion (cx salad-salad for dinner), drank 2 glasses lemon water (drank less soda)
Mood: GOOD Action: GOOD
8.29.20 1:30a
headache. can't sleep, ruminating. every time I try to sleep my mind wakes my body as if I've done something bad. sleeping and waking merge, the lines blurred - thoughts the same. ... I just want to sleep.
8.29.20 11:58a
slept 3.5 hrs last night. 4:30a-8a. Sleep wasn't good last night. Like I was in a constant internal battle. My mind wasn't settled. It might very well be just sleep apnea symptoms but Bc of the subject material, it felt much more like an anxiety/trauma response. I don't know.. guess I'll never know.
I had a good day yesterday. One of my better ones. So why did this happen?
and it's leaked over into the day. I think I feel the tinges of mental fog: irritable, a bit confused. Just nothing makes sense. I come in contact with others (in chat here) and I don't tolerate them well. Make an ass of myself. I know it's the wrong way.
so hard to listen to ppl discuss how they're finding homework difficult when my mind keeps revisiting the not yet fully distant past. Altho I have no idea what their life experiences have been and maybe I'm .. out of line.
no more lettuce. not supposed to ruminate. wish someone had given my subconscious mind the memo last nite.
but it's not last night.. sigh. It's now. And I said I wouldn't do this. So I'll go have a smile on the step. Put the sun tea back out. For some reason it didn't fully steep yesterday. Maybe do second part of marinade. And try to think what I should eat. Can always splash water on my face. I've been unkind to hurting ppl in chat Bc I can't tolerate their weakness and constant bitchin. Am I any better? Doubt it.. I don't know
can't find my Goldilocks zone, like with planets. always too weak or too cold in my thoughts and towards myself. And sometimes others.
I just wish I wasn't this way.
the listener I thought was going to be so helpful - haven't heard back from in days. Now it's the weekend. That could signify I'm going into the long weekend alone.
but am I not always alone? trying to build up this sense of belonging within myself, support within myself. Bc it's obvious nobody comes to save me. Just sit here and drown. No. No I will not. Damn you. (Said to my own inner thoughts , Brain gremlins).
just a thought, a portion of what might be happening altho I'm not certain: I haven't adjusted yet to weekends being "okay"
baser parts of me are possibly still responding to the need to brace for the weekend. Weekends were typically more difficult. You were home then and god knows how that was going to go.
its the past. The unresolved past but still the past. How do I make it stay in its place? Maybe it takes a little patience .. just a lil patience. I need both resolution and ways forward. Maybe it's good to acknowledge that some of this is just part of it. And it won't always have to be this way. Maybe more of that is up to me then I'm willing to take responsibility for. Maybe .. lost my thought.
not my first rodeo. Overall, shitty as I may sometimes be or my responses or lack of, I know I'm handling this better than long ago. I think. Yes, I am. Not stellar but better. Bc it isn't my first dance with this. And damn you you mfing trauma type mentalities- you won't get me this time. You cannot have me. F u to hell. I Will get better. It's not that bad. And I'm stronger than you. And you are weak this time. I know your weaknesses and I see my own strengths so F off.
I say the above thinking it's true. But also whistling in the dark. At any rate, I will be ok. And I will get wiser. So, positive affirmations in a way. Someday maybe I can recover a bit of restraint and poise. Someday maybe I won't be so crass. Maybe someday I can look back and think "wow. Ok, so that happened. Brilliant of me (not)." And maybe I can express myself in better ways when this is someday the past and if I've grown and put in the work. I guess I should start now. I could behave more respectfully starting now. I don't always have to give in to my baser side. It's hard tho. Bc I really really wanna express it and keeping it down, keeping a lid on it - it seems to come out anyway after just a few provocations.
funnily tho, who's provoking who? whom? meh, grammar. Right now I'm provoking it. Best not poke the bear.
poke https://youtu.be/1OjTspCqvk8
(but then I will stop)
8.29.20 1:28p
i know I'm just behaving badly, poorly. Time to cut the nonsense. At least I managed to put it here instead of spewing it onto others. My apologies tho to any unsuspecting.
i can do better. maybe not right this moment. This moment I'm eating a condensed can of bean n bacon soup cold from the can. But at least my nonsense is contained to this thread.
and I hope I can still salvage the day. I'm aggravated, disgusted. Let myself get too hungry. Hence, the cold can. It's not great self care but it's what I can muster right now. Perhaps rest, take it easy. See what I can do later once these snakes have left my brain.
2:25 8.29.20
just exhausted. I fell asleep. I wake up to the instant anxiety, heart racing. It's still beating very fast.
why? why again? swimming up, up, thru sleep to awake like an alarm in my body is going off. I don't feel well. It's got me again. Why won't this end
2:50p
heart rate is still up a bit, feel just not good. Can't handle noises, can't handle movement can't handle outside of me. Trying to be still waiting for this feeling to pass. Headache, anxious. H brought me a clonezepam. I knew he was bringing it to me and it still felt jarring. "Here" he says handing it to me and I struggle to bridge the gap to him to take it from him and retreat to my internal cocoon. I need nothing to reach my right now. Can't take anymore. No external stimulation, very little can tolerate. This is how it goes. Waiting on the numb. The sheltering cotton of the numb. Please hurry. Please let this go away.
3:24p
another 28 minutes. Awake again. This damned sleep apnea. I could cry.
had a sudden irrational thought that I might die in my sleep Bc I wouldn't wake up to start breathing Bc of the pill. The anxiety this interrupted breathing causes, the toll it takes on physical and mental well being.
before I go again: head like a hole and above it
i went to sharing circle I don't know why. To share, I guess. To see if anyone had magic words.
i said how I'd been doing well but now I'm back in it. Recalled NIN. Recalled how I was in some sort of ptsd back then. Maybe the drs were right. "Like a cloud I was up so high sometimes I don't believe it myself but what I used to think was me is just a fading memory. I looked her right in the eye and said goodbye. (I was up above it.. now I'm down in it). And god money was never money. God money was god himself or satan and anyone who'd ever hurt me real bad. So about four people. Them: bow down before the one you serve- you're going to get what you deserve. Me: I'd rather die than give you control.
I probably did have some type of ptsd. And I did become suicidal.. Bc I'd rather have died (I thought) than continuing giving up my control. Horrible horrible mindset. Such a waste. Even I knew it then myself. But I had no idea what was the way out. Everyday in my head pleading to no one - someone help me, help me, I'm lost in this.
maybs it's good to .. it is what it is. to write this here now, the above.
and rn I'm waiting. Wanting to have a smoke but not wanting t heighten this anxiety which is finally receding a tad bit. I know I'm in it for the long haul. With me, it build and builds, excruciating hours. Build, then falls back a bit. Builds then falls back a bit. Until finally I'm rid of it. Wish I knew a better way out.
but back then, back then that was next level. I was so miserable. Utterly reactive and just raw hurt and nerves
Of course he doesn't love me. And I'm a fool. If. Had any sense that de killmyself
it's all.. clear in moments- the bitter truth. What I have to do. But it's also already too late. I've already lost him. And even if he stays I'll always know. I'll always know how we each let the other down. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way
now it's just down to lesser choices, a haunted lower expectation. that's life, that's how it goes. I screwed it up.all he wanted was to love me and I screwed it up Bc I just couldn't rise to the challenge - gluttonous and weak and greedy.. I let it all go for such stupid short-sighted treasures.
maybe .. maybe I dunno there's redemption .
you feeling alright? I'm not feeling that good myself
8.30.20 1:50p
i think it may has finally passed. whatever this thing is that grabs me.
8.30.20 7:45p
wrote the following in response to a question. thought I'd keepplace it here for myself as well. (I'm not certain of the duration/time lengths. Not very good with time). They may or may not be accurate but gives an idea.
*** "waylaid" ***
PM
Im finally completely free of whatever that is that grabs me. Im not opposed to explaining it - I wish I knew what it was. Im certain its tied into something or a few things. Possible suspects are sleep apnea, lifestyle (poor sleep or food choices), hormones, mental health problems (anxiety or trauma issues *maybe*)
7:35 PM
By waylaid I mean it just comes upon me and hits me like a train that I cannot seem to stop. It starts with an initial noticing of mental unease or anxiety and builds. It puts me in a state of anxiety and/or mental haze. It also is tiresome physically as I sporadically experience racing heart, nausea, jitters or shaky feeling, fatigue and general unrest.
7:38 PM
At times I grow tired of these cycle of feelings and wish only for sleep - to just not be conscious until it passes and I can feel better. But it plagues my sleep as well and it seems there is very little escape from its reach.
7:40 PM
Afterwards it can take a bit to recover. Today has been the recovering. This particular episode was maybe 18hrs (according to my husband) but its normally a 72 hr process from start to finish.
7:42 PM
Also according to him - the 72 hrs. I thought it was more like 48hrs. Maybe hes counting all the extra little build up and the coming down or out of it as well
Sunday 8.30.20
it's 1:14a so technically Monday. This is to recap the few chores completed today. Trying to get back on track.
1. walked up road. Picked up litter, retrieved care pkg
2. made dinner
3. cleaned up dinner things. Worked on burners, stove cleanup (1.5 hrs+)
4. washed pet water bowl
5. called M
Mood: okay Action: okay
If anyone reads the above and has any ideas what this might be, I'm open to hearing about it/suggestions. I'm tired of this happening and impeding my progress, getting me off track.
