things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
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Mon Aug 31 9:06a
got H sent off with breakfast, snacks. Babies fed. Laundry started.
8.31.20 1:42p
having a bit of low energy/drowsiness
trying to keep calm today and on an even keel. Have to go to meeting tonite. Cannot let H down. So just trying to get thru and not upset my apple cart.
folded some laundry. Skipped breakfast so had a sandwich for lunch w/salsa, chips, tea.
started the sausage for some breakfast rolls for rest of week. shouldn't be having a re-emergence of shaky feels, heart rate. Should be in the clear. Yet, here it is altho slight. So trying to keep calm, rested, still. Maybe it's Bc I smoked too many cigs or tried to talk to ppl in chat. Maybe it's Bc my stupid mind is still prone to ruminate, regret, think negatively or shame myself in some way.
and why shouldn't I be ashamed? I should be doing better than this. This isn't that difficult.
just want to get to feeling ok. Also, nervous about tonite.
8.31.20 2:30p
im going to try and press on with making these sausage/cheese rolls.
tonite the past will come knocking and meet the present. I don't feel very good about that.
it's not even that seeing a particular person is so bad or impossible to navigate. I know nothing will be required of me, just my presence. It's not even about them or the things that I did say once before. It's all the unsaid things that only I will know.
and
they are difficult emotions I think for most anyone to have to bear alone. But bear them alone I will.
I'm not particularly happy about it, having to bear it alone. But I don't really see another prudent way. Maybe private journal. It may be time to finally take some of this off the radar.
won't change anything. maybe just help me feel less unsettled within myself. and I guess that's a lot, really.
how I wish I were not always alone with everything.
I did this before; I can do this again. It's what I've been doing. It's also part of the reason I'm so messed up. Is what it is.... I can do this, have to, right? Should. Should do this?
God, help me find my way.
8.31.20 3:45p
holding steady. Seems I can do this after all. Thank you, God, for the calm day. It's quiet, very still, all sounds are muted, no wind for once.
also thank you for pointing me maybe in the short-term direction: sausage rolls, folding laundry. Task chores have won out over journaling/deep thinking chores as they've taken priority and don't have time for both. I'll take that as a nudge in that direction to just stay the course until this is over this evening.
last year was the year of the tarantula. this year is the year of the dragonfly.
@themainjane
Dragonfly? That is Super Impressive. Especially with all the ORANGE FIRE IN THE SKY!!! I much prefer to think of it as ...T'he Year of the Chinese Pixiu' and much **Restored Love** for Elements Balance....
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Tues Sept 1, 20 10:24p
been difficult. made it to meeting. phone counseling today went an hour instead of thirty minutes. I cried. Counselor said "you don't cry often, do you?"
I can't even tell. thinks I should go to hormone specialist. I kinda agree but how to make myself get there?
had a bad dream regarding things that will remain unmentioned.
H and I tried to watch a comedy. Had to turn it off about 15-20 mins in. Never know when even the banal or inconsequential will blindside you with bs that triggers. Both just crestfallen. We tried. Weren't angry at each other. Just the damn sad truth of the thing isn't ever very far away.
i went to bathroom and got sick; he went to bed.
still always struggling. still trying to find a pattern or a clue or a way out or some balance.
counselor said keep tracking my days.
i don't even know what to think about anything really anymore, don't know which way is up. Can't even make sense of myself.
9.1.20 10:36p
H had come home to find me sleeping. Was in a good mood. Think that was today. Still drifting in and out of mental oppression. Strong emotion followed by numbness. Repeat.
I had had the bad dream and I told him about it. We talked and then he went outside. I saw him mulling around by the shed and then he had walked back out of sight to lower property. The fear struck me. The pistol is in the shed.. what if he walked into the lower forty to shoot himself?
tried to rationalize with myself how illogical that would be. But then again..
uneasy, this life. The repercussions ripple out still.
11:19p
time just drifts in these states. waking, sleeping , drifting back and forth. I'm not completely well.
the other day I heard a knocking on the door. Black dog heard it too. dismissed it thinking it was surely the wind grabbing the glass screen door and causing it to jangle or a small creature perhaps rustling about nearby. It happened again and definitely sounded like someone knocking at the door.
no one comes out. the door faces the back property. someone would have had to walk up thru the fields or back property. didn't make sense for anyone to be here.
but I went to the keyhole to look. Black dog followed me upsettly barking. shushed him. Was going to look thru the eyeglass peephole. It was then that I discovered I was too short to reach it. Opened the door, no one there. Small matter. But strange to realize I was too short to see out. I never think of myself as that short, haven't in years. Used to as a child when I couldn't reach things. Now when I cannot reach things I don't even think of my height. Except when trying to reach into the bottom of the washing machine and I all but have to go bottoms up over the top of it Bc I cannot reach the bottom of the inside of the tub. I don't know why they make them so tall nowadays. (But I'm not that short)
so tired, so worried about this life I'm living. the way I'm living it. so much lost. what is left to salvage? there must be some good things still, I know there are. Do I have it in me to find them?
to no one in particular and to the whole of cups:
mirage
had a moment with a blister bug today. he landed on my upper arm. I looked him in the eyes; he looked me in the eyes. I moved my head and he moved his head watching me. It began to rain. I went inside with him still on my arm because I figured why not.. I flicked him off in the kitchen floor to go and find his own way.
at the time I thought I was saving him from the inhospitable elements outside. But now I realize he'll die somewhere in the house. Perhaps under the fridge.
also the other day, another blister bug had landed on me, ( theyre always landing on me as I sit under the porch light), I picked him up and placed him on the railing.
1:03a
going to bed. hopefully not to wake several times within night. Charting sleep. Adding to mood/action
Mood: okay/bad (angry/sad/apathetic/disillusioned) mental tiredness
Action: Bad
@themainjane
Loved How You Handled Your Problems.
With Kindness, that quickly overtook you by Surprise!
Thinking ...How is your Physical Self Now???
Are you Still in the process of Body Healing from said Bugs????
To Body, did you apply ...A Remedy?
Outside is so Beautiful and Loving...
Do NOT give up your place of Comfort, but instead, Think ...How to Improve It.
Peaceful Sleep Recharges the Body from ...Fear and Worry.
Embrace Universal Love.
*************************
Wed Sept 2 7:02a
awake. 6 hrs. slept good seems, body hurts from lying in bed incl neck, dry throat, scrap of a dream left in my head. nod towards journaling helping lead to self discovery.
7:10a
saw notifications.. it's always a toss-up whether they will annoy me or incl something I'm actually interested in or find helpful or want to save to mull over.
this one was an annoying/disappointment/mull over. Seems a listener that was listening to me for a time (July) made a list of most supportive listeners for their members. First thoughts: just my luck that I'd be dropped by such a listener. Second thoughts: it's probably my fault I was dropped either Bc of my words or thoughts being too negative/harsh/crass.
Third and final thoughts: not enough in common anyway, Listener's main area of concern/experience and overall approach differs too much from mine... another person I would have eventually eaten alive/lashed out at. Nice soul but too soft.
perhaps I shouldn't say that.. how do I know if that's true? But I do know that their main area of expertise was not my main area of .. concern, I guess. Guess it stings a little bit to know that I didn't make the cut as someone they'd like to continue to support. But I guess it's for the best?... what else can I think?
i have two people that are good listeners and wonderful people - beautiful souls that are or were so kind to me. However they are not experienced in the things I need help with and it wouldn't be appropriate to discuss with them at length anyway.
the one listener I finally thought was going to be such a key in moving forward.. haven't heard back from in awhile even tho I've messaged to try and reconnect.
as I said in chat thinking on these lyrics and my life and H's... one contestation: wasn't anything pleasant about those days. Not much anyway. Anything supposedly beautiful about our addictive traits or harmful ways was bittersweet at best, an outward expression of inner pain, turmoil, conflict.
somehow the above version appears to be the same as the other day but a key element is missing: was a painful static break at an important part. Weird it's not there now.
can't find clip but John C Reilly scene where he is praying in his bedroom
9.2.20 7:52a
Lee just called H, was passing thru town. Was with his family on way to Colorado. Good he's with his family. When he worked for H, H had put him in a bus, sadly the only accommodations we could find for him but better than the streets where he'd been living. Hope he's mentally stable, sober and can stay with his family. You know he was always trying to return to you, God. That limp.. can't believe he stepped off a building once. Drugs, insanity, euphoria and suicide.. crazy mix especially if you mistake it for either spirituality or no way out.
the clouds carry rain today but to somewhere else. They're rolling away in the wrong direction from normal today, rolling away. Sun coming out.
so many dragonflies yesterday evening.
time to wash sheets, chore today.
9.2.20 10:30a
letting people in is going to be one of the more difficult things I've done in awhile. Along with trying to establish a healthier routine and working on finding out exactly what is wrong with me that keeps me down, keeps me feeling so badly, ineffectual, apathetic or erratic.
called the place that has the doctor I think I'd like to see. Was a humiliating experience that I'm sure I flubbed. Could feel the "this must be a difficult patient" mentality coming on.. surely it was. Altho I'm not trying to be difficult, just so many things I cannot handle. The paper gown, the exam - definitely a no. But I need some bloodwork done to see what's going on with me. Make this uphill battle a bit less of a struggle is the goal. Thought it would be the smart thing to do. Everything I attempt almost is a practice in humiliation, this closed off prohibited system of mine is such a hindrance and a barrier to receiving what would help.
they have no openings. told to call back end of month.
H called. Rare treat and surprise. Told him about the phone call. He suggested we try thru our local clinic for bloodwork, a starting place. Might open some doors for the place I really want to be seen or lead in some helpful direction. The local clinic, I doubt they can read the bloodwork with any depth approaching the specialist but he's right. Thank you, God, for him. Thank you for bringing him into my life. Thank you that he stands by me, forgives me, understands many of my weaknesses.. thank you for our love and connection.
so. people. people are so difficult for me to be around, navigate. All these feelings and perceptions regarding myself surface and I often feel internally vulnerable, out of control - plus being around people sparks my desire for their comfort and well being (or at least my perception of it for them) and these are difficult and vulnerable emotions as well.
it's all just so hard to navigate.
after my two-hour excursion into the world Monday evening time spent with people, it's taken me until this morning to get dressed again or to consider getting back to task. The ripple effect still resonating. The ripple effect always there, echoing out further and further effecting me in small ways and periodically long after the initiating event.
we were not able to get The Orange Black Heresy. We watched The Distingushed Citizen instead. was thinking of that movie this morning.. how horrible all the characters were (most of them) and how it didn't have to be that way. If only they had realized we're not so horrible after all. We all do have love to give.. it's complicated. Yet when the one older couple simply brought him a beverage as he sat on a bench on the sidewalk near the street just outside of their yard, he had a momentary softening and proceeded to commit his own charitable act shortly after. Then the ugliness of life - the actions of others and self and the accompanying thoughts - subverted that goodness and he returned to his natural ambivalent and antagonist/ego-closed mindset.
depth
in answer to "blue"
9.2.20 11:36a
brkfst: too many cigarettes, too much coffee, 3 ginger snaps, egg on toast.
boiling eggs for tuna fish
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Thurs Sept 3 8:31a
what drives me to put these words here?
they are not read, I am not acknowledged. I acknowledge myself here. Do I need the sense of security that seems to come with the idea that I am heard? Do they help me with self-examination?
I know I have received both help and hindrance towards my goals by writing them but can this not be done privately instead of publicly? Am I strong enough to give up the (possibly false) sense of connection I find by writing here?
(I do not know)
@themainjane They are read :) You are heard and seen. I often wonder the same thing tbh. I do write privately though and its ok for somethings. At least for me - to keep the darker parts hidden from sight. There's times I want to write to you here but I worry about intruding. I love anxiety! Tbh - I dont know much about relationships. But your strength and courage you have to stand with him is amazing. I know it probably doesn't feel that way alot of times. But you are trying and giving it your best and that says so much about you. I hope you take alittle pride in your daily accomplishments because it can be so hard some days to just breathe
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
thank you so much! 💛 yes, you are welcome here, it is not an intrusion.
I was thinking all day what words to say in response to you small act of kindness in just letting me know that at least at times someone knows I exist, ha. I can't think of words that do justice.. just that you caring enough to actually respond shows your gentle nature and the act was like a small life ring tossed my way. Not to pressure you .. I do think you understand that, I hope. Bc these little life buoys do come from God knows where or whom but sometimes when needed or desired... and this isn't making much sense.
I was down, you offered a kind word, it is much appreciated.
I know you keep your thread "read only" but if there's ever any thing you'd like to just share with someone or bounce off someone, I'm here.
@themainjane From what I've read here I have an image of you living some place - Idk like Arizona or New Mexico come to mind. Remote - lonely - noone for miles. I can relate to that but I'm in the mountains. It is nice to exist - to know that you exist to someone somewhere. I feel like that alot. Depending on the weather - some days it feels as though I'm the only person alive
It does make perfect sense. Idk - sometimes I get a feeling that people just need to know that someone cares for them - about them. To just hear a kind word sometimes can make all the difference
I'm sorry you're getting acquainted with anxiety. Depression sucks too. I know both of them pretty good myself - unfortunately. Some days will be good days and unfortunately alot of them are bad. And it's hard To keep those bad days from taking away from the good. I think as long as you're doing the best you can at the moment - even if its that nothing got done - we need those days too. But it's hard to give ourselves that freedom just let it be a crap day because - well shouldn't we be over this by now? I think that alot - just because I'm tired of dealing with it. Surely there's a normal life out there desperately trying to find me. Lol Hopefully - one day we'll take those steps forward with out taking steps backwards
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
"Remote - lonely - noone for miles. I can relate to that but I'm in the mountains. It is nice to exist - to know that you exist to someone somewhere. I feel like that alot. Depending on the weather - some days it feels as though I'm the only person alive"
the mountains, wow! I think that would be lovely except for harsh, cold winters. I've always loved the mountains. Especially the Rockies (Colorado) which I'm familiar with (especially in my youth). Always thought I'd love to live in the mountains if not for those winters. The mountains definitely get in your soul.
You were close! We live in Texas, the lesser populated region mostly. But we don't live so remotely - our little safe haven exists just outside a small town. It just feels remote somewhat. And I strive to make it feel as remote as possible because I mostly do like living apart from others. I complain about the loneliness, yes... but I really wouldn't trade it to live again in closer proximity to others.
feeling as if you are the only person alive is a somewhat unique experience seems. When I read of others experiences in chat, I can tell they do not know this feeling. Do you find the good (in living this way) outweighs the bad as I do? And I count us as somewhat fortunate -- how many would like the opportunity to live this way? Others, they'd prob like a few weekends at it, like a retreat, but not as a way of life. I think as a way of life it also gets down into your soul. I feel blessed. I hope you do too? But tell me -- how is it for you? The aloneness factor can be bittersweet.
"It does make perfect sense. Idk - sometimes I get a feeling that people just need to know that someone cares for them - about them. To just hear a kind word sometimes can make all the difference"
I agree with the above wholeheartedly.
I'm sorry you're getting acquainted with anxiety. Depression sucks too. I know both of them pretty good myself - unfortunately. Some days will be good days and unfortunately alot of "But it's hard to give ourselves that freedom just let it be a crap day because - well shouldn't we be over this by now?" << well said. This. How often I've chastised myself or even just grown tired of the relentlessness of "why won't you go away bothersome old haunting aches? Leave me be. Gets old having an unwelcome companion in such ruminations/thoughts.
"Surely there's a normal life out there desperately trying to find me. Lol Hopefully - one day we'll take those steps forward with out taking steps backwards"
Yes and yes! and aren't we trying sometimes desperately to find that good life or ourselves. I'll keep dancing the dance trying for a little more breaking even or steps forward as opposed to "one step forward, two steps back" surely we can do this, you (soul) and me. I guess that's enough for one lifetime, yes? If we can just see the balance shift towards the good by the end of it all.. that makes a life. Not the worst thing to look back on.
"Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts"
likewise, my friend
@themainjane I'm sorry I didn't see this before. I hope you don't mind that I reply. Alot of times anxiety tells me I'm bothering people so - I'm never really sure what to do. To reply or not reply - that is the question lol.
I do like living this way. It is hard work though - as you said the winters can be brutal. I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to live away from people. To depend on just themselves. People tend to make me really nervous so I try to avoid them when I can. I was doing alittle better with it before this dumb virus came. Now I have to see the therapist remotely too. Which at times seems completely pointless. I guess I could say that I'm blessed to be able to live this way. I'm pretty self sufficient and I depend on myself. Mainly because I never was able to depend on anyone else. I never really realized that I was lonely at times until I joined here and discovered that I do like to socialize sometimes. This is a much better way because people think it's rude if you walk away from them lol
It has taught me to appreciate things and people. Those kind words and to know that I was in someone's thoughts - those little things can mean so much sometimes
I like in Pa close to the border of NY - surrounded by woods and animals. I have two dogs and a cat that decided he likes us. He showed up out of no where one day - half starved. His name is Pita and the dogs - Kodie and Taz
@mytwistedsoul
i get the feeling you live even more remotely than I. I can only speculate that this very aloneness adds to deep feelings and ponderings both good and bad. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts/insights. Both the good and the bad.
@mytwistedsoul
anxiety is a fairly new wrinkle for me. Depression I understood somewhat as I long battled it (and still do slightly but maybe much less so?) can't say I'm a fan of either : )
and yes, some days (or most) everything - anything- feels like an accomplishment. I dislike that my life is so small, that I struggle so, that everything must basically be a "lower my expectations" experience. But denying that won't change it - it is what it is for the foreseeable near future and it's been what it's been a long time.
i hope you are well tonite.
9.3.20 9:55p
now, on a different note. H is at work. This song came to mind: (it starts off aggravating me and by the end I'm pondering forlornly. Why I love a good forlorn ponder? dunno, just the way I'm made, I suppose)
These Days, Ane Brun
There were nights and mornings
When you come to me
Found your way into my bones, my joints
Into my veins
Like an animal you coiled your darkness around me
You spelled your name in charcoal
All over my body
But these days
I just walk with you
These days
I let you stay
A little further away
But I walk with you
These days
I'll let you stay
There were summer days and nights
When I was blind to you
You were quiet and you were still
Even when the moon was full
My temporary state of lightness would scare me
After all, I was sure
You were most wrong then, I was daring
But these days
I just walk with you
These days
I let you stay
These days
I just talk with you
These days
I let you stay
A little further away
But I walk with you
These days
I let you stay
The things you've shown me over the years
The roads you blocked and how you'll define me
These days
I just walk with you
These days
I let you stay
These days
I just talk with you
These days, these days
and I know he lets me stay as well. These days we need to learn to walk beside each other. Not one ahead or behind except for maybe a pace or two. We have this time to share here now, moments small and fleeting, I hope we can embrace them and accept each other and honor this time because the future is uncertain. And because the future is uncertain, I do not want to spend all this time wasted arguing with you or wrapped in my own inner conflicts.
the inner conflicts may not can be helped. They are there and I must work thru them. This doesn't mean that I don't love you, of course. I can work on controlling my anger. When we argue, it's me - I'm the one who argues with you.
but right now you are already exhausted from having worked since 8am this morning. I pray you can come home soon and rest. I worry for you.. there's nothing I can do to help in this moment. The things I can do, I do not. That's still where my work lies - these chores.
ive fallen off the chore wagon again. Time to get back up.