things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
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Fri Sept 4 7:43a
i seem to be like a planet whose evolution or natural progression somehow got stuck on messed up. it keeps me in a never-ending loop, constantly ripping my foundation out from under me and destined to rebuild again. Never enough time to make necessary discoveries before the whole system is torn down again. Over and over again.
9.4.20 10:18a
10 in the morning and I've had the sudden desire to be fkd up.
we all need someone we can lean on?..
gotta let it go. no sense even chasing after that train of thought. (I really really miss being fkd up in short flashes that just blip across my mental screen)
it's no use. and it's no good tho. can't go back again. doubt it would be the same. so much work and looking back with rose-tinted glasses does nothing for today.
i really kinda wish my counselor hadn't joked about having a few drinks to relax. And I even have some pills. But what would be the point? Stranded out here with no booze or anything else.. it'd just be aggravation. Plus, H cannot cannot go back to drinking.
it's kinda scary to know what I would've become if the pull of what it would do to my family hadn't stopped me. They don't need to know
honestly what's stopping me most from taking those pills right now is H coming home and finding out. Same thought regarding sneaking drinks. With this much time sober it would only be a matter of time before he noticed and then he'd be off the wagon and we might as well kiss the whole thing goodbye if that happened.
so.. guess the answer is "no"
good thing is that I no longer measure time in "how long can I hold out?" Apparently I can hold out it just sucks sometimes
but again.. what am I really chasing? These aren't great shakes anymore. The thrill is gone and the only thing that would get me there is debauchery on a level I'm not willing to sink to.... ha, as if I even could. (But I could given the chance). I won't get the chance. I don't need the chance, these things aren't for me.
i know a guy that would get me so wasted I'd forget my name and that's all it'd be. nice guy but definitely an addict. I couldn't live with myself for doing that to myself, my husband, my family and the guy. Cuz it's never right to set off an addict, the guilt. The guilt the guilt the guilt. Doesn't matter if they were gonna do it anyway, not when you're the reason they gave in that particular time. These paths we choose..
can't always satisfy your greed
9.4.20 11:46a
had the one quarter of my tuna fish sandwich from yesterday. tasted like chemicals, weird. I don't recall adding chemicals hew hew. anyway.
need to clean out this vacuum cleaner canister, jump in the shower and see if I can't do something today. soon, soon.
9.6.20
front porch plans. started on phase two yesterday. Tried again today with somewhat high hopes that the auger would work. It didn't. $100 lesson,.. oh well. I was less discouraged than H.
been an interesting anniversary thus far. And the first one sober for either of us.
part of the discouragement (especially for H) is in knowing we (he) cannot really count on our employees. Even top hand. H will be asking for keys back from him on Tuesday. Be one thing if it was a flake out once in a blue moon but it's not. Tired.
H and I have decided that I'll have the other set of keys to shop. Also, I will return this week to shop. Do some books. Take something off H's plate. It's been time. And I had vowed not to fall back into my old ways but I did. Maybe this will be better. Surely it will only help H, me, the business.
top hand knew this weekend was important to us (anniversary weekend). he knew we were renting time-sensitive equipment and that he would be on-call this weekend.
cannot count on employees. Have missed call-outs and spouse has gone on one. (I was with him), we were traveling back from city and had the newly acquired time-sensitive rental in tow. .. it's the last straw. Top hand doesn't want the added responsibility it seems. So be it. No keys, no extra responsibility and kiss any hopes of overtime goodbye. H and I will do this.
I'm finally needed again. Here's hoping that I consistently come thru and step up to the plate. Altho I cannot do the actual work, I can help in other ways and this help is valuable in some way (I hope)
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Tues Sept 8 8:43a
was a good Labor Day weekend overall. H certainly put the labor in Labor Day. I tried to help where I could.
*worked on deck. regroup. will need a machine-operated auger - ground is way too hard.
*found what I'm calling a sibling group of frogs or toads. Is nice to have them here.
*cleaned up in shed,yard, silo. H organized silo, threw stuff away incl metal for scrap recycle.
*worked on filling some holes on road.
~~~~~~
*H got some new work clothes
*H took his ring to jewelers to be fixed as an anniversary present to me.
*we had a few park picnics and went to a drive-in movie. Black dog thoroughly enjoyed these outings and we had a pretty good time too.
*watched a stand-up comedian that had us both actually laughing out loud.
*discussed various plans moving forward that touched on business management, a future mini-vacation, porch plans and yard/road maintenance, sobriety, "fair fighting". All very productive, no major blow-outs
Weekend was a success.
***************
Thurs Sept 10 8:16a
the weather has changed. cold, misty, grey. it seems to promote an air of heaviness, somber. with it has also comes news. news that I had hoped wouldn't come so soon. news I secretly wished would somehow magically not come at all.
it will be okay. it will have to be. not sure how yet.
actually read the check-in to this thread today. spent a little time listening and sharing with others in a sharing circle. heard from a listener I hadn't heard from in awhile. was good. all these things are good. they barely reach me but they do reach a little and I'm glad and thankful to have them. must work to calm and quieten my inner voice that clambers for "more, more - (more support)."
it is enough. I must wait. Patience. time to reflect and hopefully plan ways forward. patience.
~~~
I messed up in a chat I had been invited to. Welcome to banned for "a year and one day" within 72 hours... next time my mood is not good or I suspect something is an ill-fit.. next time, next time. learn to walk away. I don't know. I know that I wasn't kind or patient. Not that those in charge were either.. nothing ever breaks even.
am trying again to build in some support for myself for the upcoming trials and the literal trial. I heard the news today oh boy about a lucky man who made the grade.. and tho the news was rather small (sad) well I just had to look having read the play. the show will go on. I'm not ready.
patience
~~~
going to office this afternoon. H has drs appt. drafting a formal write-up, terms of employment. Employees have been on suspension since Tuesday when they chose to get drunk and stoned during a call-out and in the company vehicle. ... what to do? such a let-down, such disrespect and .. everything is always a lesser of two evils. choices. when will there be a choice between good and "evil"? tired of all these choices between evils only.
am I any better in my own wickedness? .. doubtful doubtful
hate it for H tho. He deserves more than for them to treat him so. everything is complicated or has a twist. in good news he is talking more with a confidante from his meetings. I'm glad he has someone
~~~
it's back down to wising up and .. losing the words. back to pushing thru when it's not as easy
patience. try. resolve.. it's here somewhere must find it. time to play it a bit smarter surely I can wise up.. don't know. the weather hangs dreary cold grey a blanket of heavy covering everything. coffee? coffee may cut thru. coffee and peanut butter, toast and orange slices. is a good start. will help, surely cannot hurt. coffee brewing feels proper, down to business, secure and serious. also feels like home, wholesomeness wishes for a gone-by time like the 1940's and hopes of a future of growing old together good clean simple
patience. hope. coffee. fear. regret. hope. coffee. longing and wistfulness. patience and coffee wholesome. it will be well with my soul and I can be better. do good, become better. it will feel better surely. better to try don't forget
twice in the song something is building. At the end, finale. it certainly does express the growing sense of somethings building happening in our lives
came in from outside. a sound. i'd left the water running in the sink.
coffee. breakfast. back from somewhere. here.
@themainjane That kind of stuff happens here alot. Things put down and can't be found for awhile. Or placed in weird places sometimes. Um - do you dissociate alot? No pressure to answer of course
@mytwistedsoul
i don't think so. not any more at least. I once did quite a bit. Or whatever it was. Not certain it was even true dissociation. It only happens now when I've very stressed or melancholy and it's rarely as thorough or as intense as long ago.
this most recent little downspell, last week I guess, when I was anxious and waiting on numb, that had the remnant feel of past ptsd type stuff/dissociation. but often, no, it's not so pronounced or noticeable.
i don't often misplace things or walk off and forget I have something going like with the faucet today. ... "where is my mind?.."
I do often wish to cocoon when I feel like that, or this, tho. noise, movement-- everything becomes too much. wish for stillness internally and externally. as if even stirring to walk across a room might tumble me from my invisible tightrope. it's not a tranquility but probably a subconscious wish for the tranquil. In my most severe moments any movement is too much, even a turning of my head. everything must be just so or I feel it will be unbearable (as it's barely bearable even so).. (if any of this makes sense to you). But no, I don't think that's dissociation? I don't know.
that cottony-feel where you want nothing to reach you or disturb.
@themainjane
Stillness. I like that word. Quiet and peace. From what I've read here, I know you have many things going on. The stress could be causing slight episodes of dissociation and you might not be aware of them. It's hard to say. I wish I could give you a more definite answer. When you have the moments where you don't want to move, is it just the thought and act of movement or does it involve other things? An aversion to colors or sounds? Similar if not the same to sensory overload? I know there are different levels of dissociation or perhaps I should say it can be mild to sever. It depends on the stress I suppose.
The grey. Where there is nothing. No sound, no emotion. Nothing but grey, as though you're surrounded by fog.
I apologize, this probably wasn't very much help.
@mytwistedsoul
absolutely no apologies necessary! I read your words and said "no apology required" as you said nothing wrong at all - it probably helps if I communicate it tho. : )
I'll respond better later. Have to get the day going - better late than never.
hope you are keeping well 💛
@themainjane Please know that there's never any pressure to reply. My hope for you today - is that you allow yourself a moment to be - content. Content with whatever you accomplished today - no matter how big or small
9.10.20 1:53p
i'm having difficulty convincing myself to leave the house and go to the office. feel.. not fragile but still somehow unable to face people, events, circumstances or noise, movement.
H has been home to pick me up and grab lunch. I had him a hot sandwich ready but couldn't get myself to go with him. To make matters worse, I even told my mother I'd be there today. Like a rare jane-spotting. Now I don't know how I'll make myself go.
the old familiar let-down to those who love me. and how lucky am I to have those who love me?.. I know that I am. I also fear being spun-out into the world. Definitely a blanket-fort kind of day. If only I were brave or self-disciplined. If only I could or would do things. It's too much :/ too much for me.
the phone rang just now. I jumped. H sighs as he hears the distance in my voice, my hesitance -- knowing once again I'm going to let him down.
these things are too much. these things cannot touch me. i need nothing to reach me right now no sound, no movement, no feelings or thought, no disturbance
to H: "please tell my mom it's the weather.. I have a hard time being around people"
(don't tell her that receiving the news yesterday has upset me to the point I don't even know what to do) she doesn't know, she doesn't need to know. Her heart aches already for me, for H. No need to add to the anguish. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... you three are my most loved people in the world (mom, dad, husband) I'm sorry I'm this way.
2:32p
its not enough. I'm not doing good enough. (come back.. I should rally) (I don't want to be this way)
@themainjane
there was a choice to do good, I didn't take it. Standard for me. Funny tho how I asked when will there be a choice between what's right to do and wrong. The answer came so quickly. I wasn't prepared. (I wasn't prepared to face myself) and in not being prepared I let myself down and others.
Fri Sept 11, 20 11:08a
today offers a shot at redemption and also promises to be a "no trauma (or drama) day"
H has decided to clean house and lay down the law. Not only do I love him but I support and respect him in this decision. He drafted up a terms of employment (in lieu of outright immediate termination). The employees can like it or lump it. He and I started this business together with no employees and we can certainly mom n pop it again if we have to. Nonsense is over.
which also means I need to step up to the plate. Going to eat a quick lunch, hop in the shower, go to the office. Time to get my head back in the game.
and I'm so thankful he's sober. any urges he might have or I might have - we can briefly acknowledge them and then just get happy about it/forge on. We are blessed with this life. Blessed with the opportunities before us. ...maybe I can wise up after all.
9.11.20 4:58p
it's a good day, not a bad day. I don't want to think those thoughts today of what has hurt me or what I can't even figure out.
it's not a day that has gone as planned. but it hasn't been a bad day. things I cannot say here. ... if I can rarely address them with anyone then how do I ever work thru them?
is there even any working thru them?
i get the sense from hearing others or reading their words that some must've worked thru somehow. some have healed? how does that happen?
can I recall myself what helped me heal from some things? Does that same hope of healing apply to these other things?
of the things I've needed/need to heal from this is how it goes: the early things-unhealed, the middle thing- healed (this is the one that gives me hope), the later things-unhealed.
this is a rough and vague summary. There are a few things from the early things that are healed; a very small remnant of the middle unhealed. But overall it's easier to label them as such even if the boundaries aren't firm and there's a bit of flux transcience to it all.
more things I cannot say.
because I cannot say them they cannot heal?..
that can't be right. The middle part that healed, it didn't heal because I spoke it - it didn't heal Bc someone else acknowledged it. It healed Bc I finally developed what I felt what an understanding of my part and the other person's part. It healed Bc I was able to say to myself and accept what went where. It healed Bc I was able to be somewhat honest with myself and Bc I was able to forgive those involved (most of them) including myself. I'm not saying forgiveness is necessary but it definitely helped me regarding this particular series of unfortunate events. The middle part - the one forgiven. The one I deem healed and forgiven. you stay in place now - don't go shifting on me now. I need you to be forgiven/healed. I need you to serve as a mile marker, a place I can safely revisit to objectively seek clues for how to find my way through the other parts.
@mytwistedsoul
just wanted to send some good thoughts your way. not really in word form (because unsure what to say that could help) but the sentiments are there and my thoughts are with you.
@themainjane Thank you for your warm thoughts - I hope things are going ok in your part of the world. Sounds as though you're pretty busy
