things
Starting a place to collect my thoughts. Chart my mood, thoughts, activities, ups n downs, progress.
from the bottom up.
to do:
1. wash blender, make a smoothie with last of fruit before it goes bad.
2. check load. Put away whites that have been sitting for days.
going a lil different with the banana today. And it's my last banana which is awesome - I didn't waste it. Lil bit of yesterday's coffee, some milk from the milk chug for pancakes, lil ovaltine, ground cinnamon and a touch of almond extract, ice, blend - it's good!
H came home for lunch. It was good to see him. I'm proud when I can make him any lunch and see him for a few minutes - even prouder when it's a hot lunch.
was looking for songs to listen to and stumbled across one of those heartwarming triumph of the human spirit bits. It did soften me, humbled me. Thank you, God, for the humbling. And ty YouTube for making so many things accessible -- and thank you people for being you and triumphing through adversity or showing vulnerability. Goodness does shine thru sometimes.. every once and awhile I let in.
had my counseling today. Told her of the week and expanded a bit on history and discussed my plans for the rest of this week. When I asked her what I should I add to the progress I'm trying to make, she mentioned spirituality.. I don't know about that.. was a hard road when I tried it in my youth and God knows how I don't like a hard road. And God knows how I don't like to soften or be vulnerable even tho I know there's sometimes insight in it or strength.
right now I'm just happy to "not feel so mean" as van Morrison sang in the song Brand New Day.
time to start another load of laundry and pull down something to thaw for dinner. I waited too late; it won't fully thaw. Will have to use defrost setting on microwave probably. Still, I'd prefer to try, see how far I get with it. Back to the housewifery.
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Wed Aug 19 5:30am
broken sleep most the night. some nights are just like that. kept waking up or waking up anxious.
might as well get up and make some coffee.
just saw this quote on someone's profile:
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
-Socrates-
It's been cooler, relatively so, last few days. Reminds me of the Fall. I like the fall and I cook more then too.
decided to make us a proper breakfast: breakfast burritos and orange juice. Putting all the good veggies in plus eggs, bacon, cheese.
it's a little after 9am and the day seems long stretching out before me. How to fill all the hours? Guess there are worse problems.
breakfast was done. H appreciated it. Babies fed, laundry drying, sheets washing. Have another load after this then I can make a fresh bed. Dishes to do. My new, more consistent normal.
decided to try and read from the threads of fellow journalers here. It's a difficult task to me - either Bc I don't relate or I relate in a way that makes me think of my own life events. One in particular struck me this morning. I'm proud that this young person is writing and I am rooting for her to have a beautiful life. Makes me think of what one of my relative's family must go through. And it also makes me think how it's possible this would've been our story if we'd had children.
it's told from the perspective of the young writer but I can see the hell they all go through and mine would be more the mother's perspective of living with a disruptive and immature alcoholic. It's like having an infant to care for but worse Bc they can wreak such havoc. There's nothing cute about their childish antics. When benign it's just tiresome and annoying - a level of weary that stays with you. When it's worse it's chaotic, insane, confusing and heart wrenching.
i didn't mean to think of these things today. And I don't want to dwell on them. Stay strong, fellow writer (I wish to you).. keep your own home fires burning within, the safe places within.
i think of the mother and her frustrations and despair and ineptness, the weakness and the strength so intertwined as she just tries to navigate the shitstorm placed before her. .. it could've been me.
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Thur Aug 20 10am
been a good morning so far. Turned a bit of a corner in progress yesterday: household laundry is basically caught up. Now must encorporate in things from apartment. First, catch up on household dishes. That's the goal for today: to finally scrub the pots and pans, all the metal and copper things that have been put off too long. Am ordering the wrights copper cleaner I like. Found it cheapest at BedBathBeyond. Also found a tablecloth marked 75% off. All told will come to $26.oo incl shipping. ... am trying not to feel guilty for purchasing these items. I know H buys me smokes just about everyday and that they aren't cheap. I guess I forget that Bc in my mind I want them very much. It's an obsession I'll need to come to terms with and overcome eventually. I hope it won't be too late.
also, I'm struggling with my duplicitous nature.
just now a song came to me. A hymnal I recall from my youth. I often enjoyed these old formal hymnals. They embody the prayerful and reverent mindset of a time gone by. And they are well written.
the song that came into my mind this morning,
"Take Time To Be Holy"
Take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;
Abide in Him always, and feed on His Word.
Make friends of God's children, help those who are weak,
Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.
Take time to be holy, the world rushes on;
Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone.
By looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;
Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.
Take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide;
And run not before Him, whatever betide.
In joy or in sorrow, still follow the Lord,
And, looking to Jesus, still trust in His Word.
Take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each motive beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit to fountains of love,
Thou soon shalt be fitted for service above.
this is the version I knew/know
"Be Thou My Vision" as sung by Audrey Assad (I stumbled across her a month to three months back when looking for Horatio Spafford's "It Is Well With My Soul"
I was seeking acceptance and comfort, peace regarding our pending legal situation and all that it could possibly mean for our lives separately and as a union (it is well with my soul came to mind to accept and ease the burden. If the Spafford family could face their very great losses and tragedy, then surely you and I can face this much smaller trial).
I still have a very long way to go in "Each thought and each motive beneath His control."
In joy or in sorrow, still follow the Lord,
And run not before Him, whatever betide.
Take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide;
Take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul.
Led by His Spirit
Thou soon shalt be fitted for service
5:40pm
I don't know why I'm suddenly disappointed in my efforts. I know I've been chipping away at things and it is starting to show. I still feel that I do not do enough. But I also but need to remind myself where I started. My level of functioning was very minimal.
I'm writing this to remind myself that: I do have dishes drying in the rack, my counters and floors are getting cleaner. I am beginning to clean and put stuff away. I do have a load of clothes washing right now. I have been doing a much better job of keeping on top of every day tasks (cooking, cleaning). My heels hurt and my fingers are prunish right now. .. I know I put in the effort today. Not certain why I'm feeling discouraged. Maybe it's because I didn't get as far as I expected to today. But I still feel by the weekend or end of the weekend that all my kitchen counters will be clean, the things that have been resting out on them unattended for too long will be where they belong. The laundry Is caught up. .. I still need to make the bed.
Lord, please accept my feeble efforts. Please help me to build on this new consistency.
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Friday Aug 21 11am
not feeling well this morning. Woke to anxiety just before 8a. Didn't go to bed as soon as I should have. Think it was after 4a. Have spent the morning mostly ruminating or feeling sorry for myself, at a loss as to how to fix it.
I don't have any push or try to in me right now. Going to escape the void of sleep. At least for a little while... I don't want to do anything or be anywhere or even exist for a bit, so - rest. Whether it's the wrong way or the right way it's gonna happen.
keep thinking I'll tally my good days v bad for the week so I can get an idea of there's a pattern to my mood shifts. I write so stupid much that it'll be a task to wade back thru all my own entries. .. just not feeling life rn.
hope I can wake a bit more rested and at least get something done today later.
these traumas of mine (for lack of knowing what else to call them).. they feel unsolveable right now.
time to get up and try.
@themainjane. *sending you good vibes*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much 💛.. and right on time. You are so kind and good to me.
I do intend to return the favor. I'm sorry I haven't had many reserves to read your thread yet. But I am going to when I can encorporate it in. I fear so much, ya know? It's difficult to let new experiences in. But I WILL read someday.. I'm sorry that I'm not there yet. I know that's not good enough but just wanted you to know why I haven't yet.
@themainjane You're welcome - um - I hope you don't feel obligated to read any of my stuff - it's probably best maybe if you don't tbh :)
I hope you have a day - doesn't have to be great or even good and hopefully it isn't bad either - it's just a - day - ya know? Just a day
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
you're right and thank you - it's just a day. Not the worst, not the best.
Recent thoughts:
unsure that returning to group chat was a good idea. I do okay usually with the structure of Sharing Circle. I don't do so well in open chat.
last night I stayed on chat way too long - it's why I was up unti almost or after 4am.
that's not wise.
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dissappointment in progress yesterday:
perhaps it's time to try harder. (not forgetting to extend grace to myself when I fail) but does not excuse not trying again or trying harder. This is putting in the work. This is how I build a foundation. And it requires effort/work on my part.
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one last thought:
look for material on resiliency and coping/healing from things that have happened.
i want to deny them. Not so much deny them but deny the impact they've had on me and still have on me. Bc I feel weak and I feel I should not be so negatively impacted. But it's there to some extent whether I deserve to feel hurt or not, I do. So maybe I should stop denying that?.. I don't know.
