unspoken words

A letter to myself exactly one year ago:

Dear self,

you must feel so confused at the moment. You dont understand yet what happened that night and you are trying to live like it never happened.

But thats not good. You need to realize what he did and shouldnt ignore it.

You dont have to forgive him. It wasnt your fault, no matter how much he makes you feel like it was.

And i know, you feel so scared because now, he s back in your life and you feel the need to fix him.

You cant.

No matter what you give him. No matter what he wants from you - it wont work.

Dont let him control you like this. You ARE allowed to spend time with friends.

He has no right to force you to end your friendship with your best friend just because hes jealous.

If you dont want to get back to him, dont do it. Leave now before its too late.

I know you feel like you have noone to talk to. He isolated you from all your friends and your family doesnt support you.

But please, please reach out for help. No matter how often you got rejected and people didnt believe you. Someone will believe you.

You dont owe him anything. Not your time, not your love and most importantly, not your body.

Dont go back to him, it all will only get worse.

- Self, one year later.

okay i feel like this is slowly turning into a diary thread here haha.

Today s one of these days where i feel stuck.

I have been trying to do anything for recovery that was possible. and i never gave up and still wont give up.

i am out of the relationship. i am clean. i am mentally more stable then i was a year ago.

but still i feel like my past is haunting me and there are days where its just difficult to cope with everything. today is such a day.

i just cant stop thinking about it. i still see my abuser, for example i saw him last weekend. and everytime i just feel so numb and wish i d feel strong and confident around him.

the thing is, even though he isnt in my life anymore, he is still there with me.

i cant have a relationship or friendship with boys. i flinch everytime they even touch me by accident, cant trust them at all and get triggered all the time. i feel the need to always please them, always feel guilty towards anything, and always try to not make them angry so much, even if they dont mean it the way my abuser did.

my parents dont know whats wrong with me. they know what happened, but they dont understand that it affects me and they think its easy to get over it.

i wonder if there will be one day where i can have a normal relationship with a boy. without flinching, without trying to please them...

apologies for these negative thoughts - but some days are just not always positive.

its been quite a long time...

i ve gotten more close to a boy i met five months ago. in the past we once were really close, but i distanced myself only after one week.

Now he and i talked about it and i told him its hard for me to trust boys and he totally understood.

Now, one night we met as a group and he told me that he was abused in his childhood ... he was only such a young kid... After he trusted me all of his story, i shared mine too. That my ex boyfriend abused me for a long time and we talked about everything like for 5 hours. It felt so good to be heard, so good to be believed.

Now i saw him again the past days and i noticed that i am distancing myself again from him, and i dont know why. I feel like i dont deserve him, or love at all. Also i feel like i am too complicated for him. And only the thought of getting close to someone again makes me want to cry and throw up.

But i dont know if its good to distance myself from him. he was the first person that believed me. he understood. he respects me. but i fear getting close to him. I dont know if i am making the best or worst decision right now by ignoring him.

Today is not a great day. My past is kind of haunting me, since i had to see the girlfriend of my ex for like 4 hours today, which triggers me.

I just want to be able to let go, but he still controls my life. Everytime i recieve happiness, he finds a way to destroy it.

If i find a good friend, he

hey @wizeakre @agreeableKite4304, i hope its ok that i tagged you in here.

he (the supportive friend of mine, not my evil ex) and i got better now :) i learned lots how to trust him better, we learned lots from each other, and i feel like i am doing the right thing by trusting him and being with him. We re at this point now where he truly understands me and my past ... last weekend we were at a party and my ex abuser threatened me and he just didnt stop looking out for me. I just sat on a couch, staring at the wall with no emotions while he tried to be supportive and talked to me but i just responded with " i am okay". And he took a deep breath and sat down next to me and said: "I know youre not."

Idk why but this hit me deep down and made me realize how much effort he puts into this and us in general. I am planning to meet him soon for the first time ever alone. I really am going to try my hardest to make his work and really am going to do my best.

I d love to hear your thoughts (and anyone else s, if anyone is going to read this) about this, but you dont have to answer wishing the both of you a lovely day.

I wish I had a magic wand so that all the emotional .Turmoil and heartbreak of a long standing dysfunctional family would be healed and I would be spare d the ongoing pain.

soo.... last night i had a group of friends over and the boy was there too and after some time it got late and everyone went home except him and we talked lots about his father and my ex.

i told him about my flashbacks and when they happen usually and he told me he experienced that once too after he saw his father again... i told him how i am scared to meet with him alone and he said that we can also invite another person so that we re not alone and so that i feel safer. he also said that if i happen to experience a flashback while i am with him, i should not be ashamed about it and tell him so that he can support me.... it was such a lovely conversation... while we were watching a movie (with another friend of mine) i somehow felt really safe (could be from the beer i had) and felt comfortable enough to lean on him and to have any physical contact.

i feel like we re really getting better with time and i am happy that he is so communicative about it and that he s so supportive.

My unspoken words:

I am not the perfect girl everybody sees, and i hate it when people forget my inner beauty and my talents and just care and show intrest in my face or my appearance.

It might sound good to some but it's really not what i ever wanted. I dont want to be judged and i hate the expectations everyone has, the want me to be happy cause they provide everything for me and never want to listen to me!!

I hate it when my dad treats me like a child and am not kidding, he give comments on almost everything i do and i feel so uneasy. And i told him that and if its love i dont want this kinda love.

I hate to smile at everyone!!! I just hate it!!!

I hate to act like am ok !!!

I hate to be quiet in class and act like am a goody goody to not get judged.

I hate it when they ignore my talents in sports and art and tell me to go to a highschool i dont want to only because i have better grades!!!

I hate it cause i dont have control over my life and my parents and everyone else is choosing what i have to become.

I hate fake laughs!!

And i want to get love like everyone else ...

my whole life is falling apart. i ve never hit such a low point in my life.

my abuser is going into a psychatry or/and jail.

He threatened my best friend and two other girls to death and already had illegal weapons at home to kill them.

my best friend is not allowed to leave the house and talk to anyone. she was friends with him.

nothing is happening. the police doestn do anything.

i am not allowed to leave the house either. and i am not allowed to talk to anyone about this, the police told me.

i feel like everything is going in slow motion. i dont feel safe anymore.

thing is, i know him. i know him better than anyone here. i know his fears, i know why he s acting this way. i know everything about him.

i know why he s hurting. why he has this anger. why he wants control. but no one wants me to talk even though this could help the police so much to understand him better.

i feel like im drowning.

just saw him on a party ... i hate feeling like this when i see him