where to start

i just need to vent about like... everything really. because i've had so few people to talk to about what i've gone through and i feel like maybe it'll help to do this even if nobody says anything. until i got out a few months ago, i was physically, mentally and financially abused by my family.

i wasn't allowed to eat and when i did i had to hide what food i had in my bed, and if i went to the kitchen for literally anything my dad would come and monitor me to make sure i wasn't taking anything. if there was moldy/gone off food they would say to just have that. when my parents went out and took me and my siblings with them, they would deliberately go off to eat and if we showed up wherever they were eating they would tell us to fuck off and wander around until they were done - stuff like that. i've struggled with eating issues for a long long time because of this and i still do.

my mum eventually got a small part time job but wasn't allowed her own bank account, so all her payment would go to my dad. he would then give her a fraction of her earnings and forced me to give her the remainder as "rent." this meant that if i was ever late paying her (i wasn't allowed a job so i wasnt always able) she would berate me and accuse me of keeping her poor on purpose. started a university degree and applied for student finance in secret - dad got a hold of the letters and manipulated me into thinking my maintenance loan was "for him" and that if i didn't give it to him i was being selfish.

i applied for jobs at 15/16. dad would call the places i applied to when he found out to cancel my interviews. he said that i would destroy the family if i worked because his child tax credit would be cut down. eventually i got a job in secret, but when he inevitably found out he mocked me for not having a "real job" - i was an animal technician at my college.

didn't last long. i was finally honest with my college's counsellor about my mental illness (psychosis and being a system) and trauma. the college suspended me for 2 months, knowing how my parents treated me, and fired me from that job. they made me call my mum and dad to tell them i was psychotic. dad acted nice on the phone, knowing teacher was listening. got home, he threatened to send me to a mental institution, he said i wasn't his child anymore, that i was a fucking psycho, you name it, he said it and made sure i heard. it got physical, he would restrain me and force me to talk. 2 months trapped at home with that, every day. i had to lie to the crisis intervention team so that i could go back to college and get away from that. ended up getting no help because i just wanted to get away. when i got back to college the "mental health team" sided with my parents by saying i was selfish for not telling them about my suffering. needless to say i lost trust in the system completely after all that. the next year i managed to get on antidepressants in secret.

got the run of the mill insults daily. waste of space, worthless, useless, psycho. i did not provoke them. i swear that. they would just find anything i was doing and poke at it. i could just be literally walking and they'd mock me behind my back for doing things like limping because i was in pain. if i ever said i was in pain they would laugh and say i was making it up for attention. it got to the point where i was for example scraping ice out of the freezer to use as they wouldn't let me buy ice packs for my hip bursitis that left me unable to walk without crying most days. there was physical abuse in the home too.

got told to kill myself, repeatedly. family saw my cuts from self harm and openly mocked me for doing such a thing, saying i was seeking attention. in reality i was having psychotic episodes constantly from stress and would have strong urges to harm myself.

i just don't know where to start with recovery. i've been trying and trying do to things on my own but every day i'm stuck here feeling worthless and hopeless and like i don't belong here. i self harm far less nowadays but i secretly struggle with that too on my bad days. i still struggle with feeling worthy enough to eat and live on less than 800 calories each day. they still try to make contact with me and i can't just block them as they know where i live. i don't know, just where do i start?

thanks for listening, much love to all