why today

Dear diary, I haven't wrote in 4 years because life became to dark and I didn't think I'd see a light. Until yesterday, when I realized that I couldn't see the light because I was looking the wrong way.

I can now see a light but it seems that for every step I try to make toward it, that light grows dimmer. And then I realized that in order to help myself I will need help from another. But how do you get help for yourself if your helping everyone around you, and you can't let them see your breaking?

I don't believe that I can find someone who has had my hard ships or truly understands what I've been through. So instead of searching, I will just write it all down and hope that nobody ever goes through what I have.

My boyfriend has helped me realize that my family is crazy. And I distanced myself for the last year for them. Until yesterday. Thanksgiving.

My grandfather confessed my dark secrets as a "thankful prayer to god" because my silence for the horrid things that happened to me was a gift he was thankful for. And my entire family agreed with him.

So I say this now; at the age of 16, I went to a party for the first time and was drugged. I woke up on the other side of the country. And for 3 months I was drugged, raped, and beat. Then I was pregnant. I was then beat and thrown into a field in the middle of nowhere. I guess they thought if they hit hard enough I would miscarry. Not this time. Every other pregnancy ended in a miscarriage but not that one. He's 3 now.