Am not sure if this is Abuse or PTSD *someone help* *TW of explicit recount of assault*
This is something that happened when I was quite young, (7, to be exact).
There was this guy in my family. His wife and my mom were friends for nearly 20 years, when this happened. Growing up, he was this guy who was like a second father to me. (The age difference between us is 42 years to be exact.). So, our family had gone to his house for some occasion. His house was recently renovated. So, he took me upstairs under that pretext, to show the newly built rooms. He and I went first upstairs, to be followed by our families later. So, anyway, he takes me to this bedroom and shows me all the new shelves and stuff. So, then he leads me to the bed and makes me sit on his lap and starts touching my breasts and murmuring something in my ear. I panciked, and there was only one thought on my mind, which was that something was about to happen and I had to run. I ran to the door, found out the door was locked, figured out how to unlock the door (as this was a pretty new doorknob), shutting the door behind me. He did not make any attempt to follow me. After I came outside, I realised that the zipper of my frock had been undone. I zipped it up and went back to my family. I never spoke of this incident again.
Two years later, I brushed this off, as some kind of fever dream I had. After that incident, I kept my distance from him until that day. I thought I'd imagined it and behaved normally as I would with him. So, somehow, he brought us alone and started touching me at the hips. I had to fetch something, so I was outstretched and he basically leaned over me from behind, and touched my hips and was brushing my hands. Since he was leaning over me, I couldn't wriggle out or say anything. All that time, I was cursing myself for not taking the previous incident seriously. Then, he led me upstairs to the terrace and hugged me from behind, so that his hands were across my breasts and started murmuring something in my ears about how the stars were beautiful and how he'd like to share that with me. I mumbled something and wriggled myself out of his grasp, and ran downstairs to my family. After that, he tried to get me alone but I would always make sure that an older family member was there with me. I was 9 when this happened.
Now, some of the questions I have are, is this assault? The extent of it was basically groping and he didn't force himself on me. Will this still be abuse?
I am now 22, and almost every month, I have a flashback of these two incidents. I feel like I'm re-experiencing this everytime, as I can imagine myself in the room and going through what happened everytime. Every month, I have a dream of some kind, where he comes and tries to get me aside, and complete what he was trying to do to me. I'm not sure if this is PTSD.
I am really sorry for the long explicit post. I am deeply sorry if this has triggered anyone. Can someone help me figure this out?
@grayOwl035
I am sorry that he did all that to you. He was the adult and he should not have misused his position to hurt you in any way. You were a child and it is not your fault that it happened.
Re-experiencing the memories of a distressing event that happened can be very common. It is understandable to re-experience it even if you are 22 now and it happened when you were 7 and 9. I am sorry that it is causing you distress. Even if the actual traumatic event is over, it can leave one with whole lot of emotions and challenges post trauma.
What happened to you was distressing for you. What he did was not okay. All your feelings around it are very valid and deserve to be heard.
@safeColors thank you so much for explaining ❤️
@grayOwl035
You are more than welcome. You are free to talk about it whenever and if you would like. Take care!
@safeColors I do have a doubt regarding this. Would whatever he did classify as abuse/assault because it was just touching?
@grayOwl035
By definition it is an unwanted sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the person.
I think how you feel about it is also important. It can be quite scary to process those feelings about the assualt. I think it is also important to know that happened was not your fault at all. You were a child and could not have consented to it and you are not to blame in any way. Your feelings are very real and valid.
@safeColors thank you so much for explaining. Yeah, while I was growing up, I used to blame myself for what happened and not preventing it, but as I got older, I realised it's not my fault.
@grayOwl035
It was not your fault. You are more than welcome to message me or connect to any Listener if or when you would like. You deserve support!
@safeColors sure, thank you ❤️
@grayOwl035 I agree with Positive River that these are Repressed Memories and the Abuse did happen. I have a similar History and can relate to the Distress you feel about the memories of these incidents resurfacinng. For a very long time it was extremely disabling for me. I would also recommend consulting a Therapist if the memories become unmanageable. I am always willing to talk if you need to, I am a listener.
@beautifulFlower8404 Am sorry that it happened to you too.
Thanks for the kind words ❤️
@beautifulFlower8404 It used to be worse, with a flashback, almost every month. But ever since I wrote here, I haven't had any flashbacks, except for once. I guess I needed to get it out of my system.
@beautifulFlower8404 I hope it's better for you now?
