Dating with trauma?

this is a slight trigger warning, i won't be going into details but i will be very lightly discussing predatory behavior and s/a.

i'm an 18 year old female having some difficulties dating and navigating relationships as a result of some trauma i went through as a young teen.

at 14 years old, an 18 year old boy began a relationship with me that lasted 4 years. i was completely hidden. he took my virginity and i never saw him unless we were having sex. aside from this, i was never allowed to see anyone or date anyone, but i was not allowed to get mad when he dated or had sex with someone else. he would not give me the "privlege" of being called his girlfriend because i was too young. there were many instances in this situation where he forced me into sexual instances and ignores me when i told him no. this lasted until may this year, when i finally left him.

i finally left when i had just turned 18. very quickly after, in fact 2 weeks later, i jumped into a situationship with another boy i had just met. we went on two dates and he had decided now wasnt the time to see eachother since i had just gotten out of my relationship and we were both law school/med school bound. i didn't take it well. i cried. i screamed. i blamed him, i told him he used me for sex but still chased his attention and begged for his love. looking back, i know i was overreacting and i feel awful about how i acted. but i dont know why my emotions were so disregulated.

the next relationship began about two weeks later and was so amazing at first. he was a down to earth, sweet, gentle, beautiful thing that held me in his arms when i cried and waited to have sex til when i was ready. except till i found out he lied about deleting his dating apps. i freaked out. i told him he was just like my exes, and i majorly jumped to conclusions. he ignored me for days and told me i didnt consider his feelings when i called him by my exes names. he told me that i would never get better and i couldnt let go of the past and i would always stay this way and freak out on him for no reason, so he left and never spoke to me again. i went mad. i begged hjm to stay. i sobbed and sobbed and called into work and drove 20 miles over on the wrong side of the road. our relationship lasted 10 days. and still, i was suicidal. i was at the brink. over a 10 day relationship.

and after this, i went to therapy.

it was wonderful. for the first time ever i was in a situation where someone listened to me without the threat of leaving. it was healing. i felt so good. i stayed alone for about 4 months until i began to get very close with a boy at work. he's my age, he's shy, sweet, and loves all of the books, shows, animes and games that i do. for weeks, we got closer and closer. he'd ask for me to draw for him all the time because i'm an artist. he pulls up chairs just for me to sit and draw (since im an admin and i dont do much) while he works. he doesnt care when im sleepy or grumpy and dont wanna talk, he just wants to be around me. he doesnt care when my adhd gets the better of me and i cant shut up. he sits and listens. but when hes quiet, i panic. i feel like theres a puzzle i need to pick apart and i need to fix it all before he leaves for good.

i panic and text hjm paragraphs over and over again begging him to not be angry at me. to forgive me for some imaginary thing i didnt know i did. all for it to turn out he has no idea what i'm talking about, and he'll tell me i'm all ok and he's not like all the poeple who've hurt me. its making me feel less than human. every two days something tiny that happens will make me feelnlike he absolutely hates me and he'll never speak to me again. last week, we didnt speak much for a day or two. i broke down and on friday i begged him not to leave and tell me straight up if he was interested or not. he wrote back immediately and told me thay he knows everything i had gone through and he wanted to take his time with me and bw careful with my emotions. he told me he loves every moment he has to see me and build our connection. he even walked me to my car, held me and kissed my head.

it was such a gentle act of intimacy that i got home and sat in my driveway and sobbed. nobody has ever done that for me. everyone else would have left as soon as i showed them that i was still a very broken human. i feel like a piece of shit. here is this wonderful human who can give me the world and i can't just be the best version of myself for him. i don't understand how this all keeps happening. why am i sabotaging myself? why can't i just be a normal human

i feel like a glass cup that was shattered and poorly taped together. and now people are pouring water in and i cant understand why it keeps leaking out of the cracks.

I'd love to see if anyone else has issues dating as a trauma survivor. i'm struggling asking my friends for help as none of them have similar experiences with trauma. i feel like a fish out of water and like im drowning all at once. i just wish i could be normal, just for him.

please reply with any advice, it's desperately needed.