Feel so stuck

I'm currently living with my elderly parents who are the main triggers, and have been doing somatic experiencing for around 2 years now 1 session a month. I've been doing somatic experiencing sessions once a month for 2 years, I feel I should be further along than I am, but I feel more alone and childlike than ever before. But I'm not doing what I can to help myself because I just feel so exhausted most of the time and just feel like getting by is a huge win. I'm still working remotely 5 days a week in a job I've been at since 2018, I'm not sure if it's my paranoia but I feel they're getting fed up of me not progressing plus I'm making mistakes because some days it feels like I have to relearn basic things all over again. I don't feel secure in my job even though this month I got nominated for employee of the quarter and feedback remains positive, but there are other signs like my boss will repeatedly not respond to emails even when I've directly enquired if he's received them. And one of my problems is that I attract to people who don't reciprocate respect or friendship and I'm worried I'm not seeing obvious signs that they'd rather I just leave.

I should be saving to get enough to get out and get my own place, but each payday I splurge on new records as Music is my main hobby and stress-relief, so I'm not any closer to being able to make a break. I also feel like once I do leave, that will be the last connection to my family broken and I'm terrified of what that means as I've always relied fairly heavily on my family.

It feels like a vicious circle. I have had a couple of positive months where I've not spent for a few weeks, and then I'll have an argument with my parents and hit the buy button. I'm in a lot of debt as a result.

And as you can see, I'm really stuck in negativity, and that's something I really need to start to turn around and find the positives as I know it makes it harder for anyone to be around me. I have 2 friends left who still speak to me, but they both have their own families so it's not that regularly, but I know they are good people I've known for years.

This is my first time posting anywhere publicly. I don't have the knowledge to help myself at this stage without others experience I think, it's taken a long time to admit that to myself and I want to improve my life and be better for my friends.