Haunted or Traumatized tw sexual assault
Hi everyone
I feel I have to write this now or I wont
I've been watching the Haunting of Hill House on Netflix which is definitely triggering for a lot of reasons so be careful
But I can relate to a lot of the characters. The house we grew up in wasn't nearly as haunted and our mental disorders didnt culminate into the unexplained death of a parent
But let's just say I have similar experiences. Not knowing if you're hallucinating or if you're really haunted, things that don't make sense, it always getting worse at night, the kids taking on different roles to cope which I definitely see in my own siblings-shutting everyone out, writing about it, compartmentalizing and like idk becoming hyperanalytical to not feel the pain, having psychosis, addiction
Our house was not as haunted just had a lot of abuse for decades and decades through all of our lives and that alone can make you hallucinate and feel bad energies
But the reason I'm writing this is episode 3 "touch"
Upon reading the title of course I internally was wary bc being a physical and sexual abuse survivor that word doesn't have the best connotations
But as I watched it the interest in the character of Theo made it easier. She can feel things that happened in the past or the future by touching objects or people. She can know people's true feelings.
So later in life she always wears these gloves I'm guessing bc it would be really hard to feel everything all the time like that
Except for when she is getting to know her clients who are traumatized children. She shakes their hand in the hopes of being able to help them. (Or when she's having sex which I thought was interesting)
So this episode she helps this little girl who is afraid of what she describes as a monster in her basement named Mr. Smiley. She says at night hes in the first floor and then the way she describes what happens is interesting-she doesnt. Bc of course she repressed it she can't even understand it.
But Theo finds out what happened. She goes into the family's basement and tries to pick up the past energies.
She sits on a couch.
She then lays down on the couch.
She feels like she's being choked. It's obvious she's in great pain she can hardly breathe. She clutches the frame of the couch.
She begs "please no"
And she covers her mouth. Idk if that was her own choice bc she knew the parents would come down and stop her from finding the truth or if that was supposed to show the "monster" stopping her, or the little girl from talking.
I'm surprised I was able to type all that. Bc I can tell you.
That was rape. It was never explitely said in the scenes but you can believe me.
That was rape or sexual assault.
It's been years and I never thought I'd see in a show a girl displaying what I was doing much less be able to talk about it.
What happened to me happened a lot longer than that scene (understandably she just needed to find the truth and shouldn't have had to endure any of it)
In my time there was a lot of crying, a lot of begging for the "monster" to stop. A lot of shaking. I don't remember a lot of it besides that. The not being able to breathe the begging her to stop the feeling like my body was being split open the fear the unlivable fear and feeling trapped bc I was
So I knew that scene. So Theo she looks to the ceiling which I can relate also bc it took years to just be able to look a ceiling similar to the one I had to look at and not be terrified
There were patterns on the wood. They kind of made a smile.
Mr. Smiley.
There was no doubt about it that little girl was being sexually assaulted by someone and all she could express was it was a monster. This is what it looked ljke.
So Theo went upstairs, shook the foster father's hand and it was confirmed.
It was him. So she called the cops and he was arrested.
He looked like a normal man. Like a nice man. He had adopted foster kids he was nice to his wife he had glasses he wasn't "scary" looking
But he did it.
I'm really glad for this episode.
And the whole show bc it helps me explain to people who don't understand,
Life can be just as horrifying as any scary story or horror movie or worse. It can be just as unexplainable just as painful just as haunting.
One of the kids said the one thing he never found from all that happened was a reason. Idk if the writers were talking about abuse but I relate that.
I've never found a solid reason. Motivations I can even understand why the abusers are like this ad have sympathy for them. But there's no reason.
There is no reason or call by God that I had to be raped. There was no reason my father had to be so cruel to my mother or sexually threaten me. There was no reason we had to neglect our dog. There was no reason I was stalked or all these things.
There's no reasons for things like that. They shouldn't happen. But they do.
And Theo I think is interesting how she hides her "gift" bc it probably doesn't feel like a gift at all.
I can relate in that I've been told I "see" a lot like I see things that haven't happens yet and then happen or I see things outside of where we are etc. I think part of its I just have a lot of empathy and am curious. I hope the good parts are from God to make the world better. But part of it is very scary and I hope that's from trauma.
I'd rather be haunted from trauma as horrible as it is than be haunted by ghosts
@wittySpruce8187
But I guess they are kind of the same.
Also my eyes don't always feel like a gift bc I'm legally functionally blind and it's getting worse. It's scary a lot.
But I'm glad I can still see other things. My sister told me even if I go completely blind I will never lose her or my loved ones which is the most terrifying part the worry that I won't see them again
The mom had "gifts" too
Supernatural or not
She said they were sensitive people
It's funny bc that's what my mom said about me and my twin
And I think my mom's really sensitive too. She hears things and feels things and is a lot more perceptive than she seems
I think it's partially her PTSD always ready for something and part God and part her own love
But it's always been around. My sister would feel my mom's emotions from years ago and know things my mom never told us.
My mom and I relate in that we hear things that aren't there and it's unsettling
I watched episode 5
Idk if hill house didn't haunt nellie that much or was it all just one gigantically powerful halucination?
Any way Luke seemed to develop OCD to cope with all the horrifying things he saw and he would count to 7 bc there were 7 people in the family
I couldn't help but remember myself a few months ago. I was in incredible physical and mental pain and almost overdosed on these pills and I counted them out to the people in my family thinking the significance if I took more or less
Me and my sister would count the stars on our ceiling like people in our family too.
I would count dead tree limbs that were bulldozed
I count to 10 a lot to make sure things are ok
Thank you so much for sharing all this. I felt the same way after watching the third episode, which is actually why I landed on this website.
Lately, I've been struggling a lot with some of own childhood traumas and watching that episode really triggered me.
Also, the fact that in this episode you start to find out that the women in that family are sensitive and "fee/hear/see" different things. That's how it's been for me my whole life and the women in my family all have displayed some sort of sensitivity. However, opening up about either (my childhood trauma, the things my mind developed in order to cope or this unexplicable "sensitivity") is almost impossible without people judging you, thinking you are a bit insane or looking at you with pity.
Now, as the years go by, I feel that I need to find a way to open up and process all this, because it is really affecting my life, my relationships and even my sanity.
I just really don't know how.
Physically it just feels like I have this immense weight and pressure in my chest and so much pressure in my head, it feels like my eyes are going to pop out.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that reading about your own experience has helped me. Knowing someone who can potentially understand where I am coming from, even if only a little, is a relief. So, in a way, I hope me adding my 2 cents does the same for you or someone else.
@dapperWater1184
Hi there
I am glad writing this helped you and your story certainly helped me feel less alone!
I understand at least a bit. I understand crazy things happen and we may seem crazy but I believe you
I just finished the season and wow was it emotional! All the last words really got me. Especially Nellies and the dad's
So I've heard some people have "passed out from the terror" of the show
I can understand that, parts of if are definitely..terrifying
For me I've just had a lot of night terror andor sleep paralysis
Which is ironic bc the character Nellie had sleep paralysis and sometimes I'm worry I'm a lot like her
These nights tho are definitely about my trauma and repressed memories that the show probaly triggered
A lot a people laying in my bed next to me or sitting on it that aren't really there. A lot of creepy talking to me.
"You're so pretty when you sleep"
"She's here"
"(My name) let me in"-thats one really freaking scary bc a year or 2 ago either I had a really realistic halucination where it sounded like a girl was asking me to let her in the house from our backyard and this stuff and my family came home and no one was there no evidence anyone was there
I hate that voice of that little girl
Idk if this would help anyone else but I honestly just think or if I can, say
"In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke thee" I was really scared this morning I said a lot I was like "in the name of Jesus Christ son of Mary lamb of God i rebuke you"
Probably not that coherent
I had some sort of nightmare/night terror ihni a few days ago it felt so real
This man almost raped me and before that there were a lot of elements of scary things in my life & I thought my sister was hurt
I hate it so much it's like my nightmares are coming into the real world
Im so tired of this.
Im so tired of the noises here and the nightmares and my brain
I just wrote before last night how good i was doing not afraid anymore
Then last night happened ofcourse
Sometimes it feels like i can never feel safe for too long theres always something
So a lot of intense mental illness runs in my family. I think denying it has just made it worse for everyone
But accepting it is also really scary
Hopefully I'll be getting help
I don't know what's real sometimes and how certain things are possible that happen , especially in this house
I don't want people to know I have hallucinations, night terrors etc
Because I work so hard to be successful and credible to my family and everyone I am a really good student, friend, worker. It's worked out like most people seem to think I have everything figured out and my life must be perfect which could not be farther from the TRUTH
But I can't take anyone thinking I'm crazy. I hate when the hallucinations happened It is so scary and uncontrollable and I wish I wasn't like this. But I know I didn't choose this, nor did my mom.
It took so long for my family just to believe me and listen to me about anything