Hope
I'm praying in my bed for relief of these CPTSD trauma symptoms. The abuses that caused this feeling of rejection, not fitting in, being abandoned, assaulted, bullied, being different and no one understands. Complete aloneness dragging me down into the pit. Relying on medication to get through all the horror of my past. Hoping Jesus forgives me for all my stupid mistakes while searching for love and acceptance that I never got. The pain of no support team because all my siblings are just as messed up as me from so much childhood abuse. Not being able to see why I was doing what I was to numb/ block out the intolerable pain and not being able to trust. I deserve happiness and hope before I leave earth for eternity. Why is this so difficult. My childhood abusers are buried but the person who s*xually assaulted me is still walking through his life without consequences. There's no justice for the weak and small. I am really struggling, I'm not sure why I'm still here to be honest. Pray with me 7 cups I can't do this alone.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92 Hey you 💙 I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now but boy do I understand what you mean. I wish I knew all the answers and how to make things better because you do deserve happiness - we all do but it sure does seem to be hard to get. If there is a god or higher power - I think they'll forgive any and all mistakes you may have made. I say if there is because I guess my relationship with any higher power is kind of complicated. I want to believe - a part of me does believe but there are days I am so angry at the things that he's allowed. The needless suffering of the innocent. Even though some abusers have passed - the pain and damage they've caused hasn't. Maybe there's alittle hope that NOW they're paying for their crimes and sins?
I'm sending you strength and good vibes
May the days get better for you - for all of us
Be gentle with yourself 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for being here to support me. It is appreciated. To add to my torment there are financial struggles here too. I definitely have some co dependant tendencies with my partner. At least I'm aware now and I just walk away when he's projecting his stress outward. I don't try to fix it anymore I just leave. I'm at my son's today, I'm sure my partner is aware that I'm no longer his dumping ground. I don't engage anymore. I'm learning. Thankfully I slept last night. I haven't been sleeping.
I understand about believing, especially when I have endured so much. I think I'm supposed to help ppl but not sure how I'm supposed to. Right now just trying to sift through my trauma .. I have sooooo much of it it's taking a long time.
I hope your day is tolerable. I think if you often..ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 You're welcome - I know it's not really much - just words really but for myself anyway - it's nice to know someone has heard me. Or to know you're not alone
Financial stuff adds alot of tension to everything and the way things are right now - I cringe just buying groceries and gas. Tbh - I haven't worked in over a year - I'm self employed and just have myself to worry about but it's hard. Even if I was working - Idk who would buy the stuff I make right now anyway
It good you were able to go to your sons - to get a break and get some sleep - that is awesome. I struggle with sleep too and it affects everything and makes alot of what we deal with even worse. I hope being able to sleep holds on for alittle
Whew - helping people. I fight with myself alot with this Tbh. I like reaching out to people - letting them know that somewhere - someone hears them but then I get convinced that I'm just annoying them and being a pest or that maybe I'm bringing the wrong energy or that they're looking for answers that I don't have. Sometimes we just don't have the energy to give to others and that's ok too because like they say - you can't pour from an empty cup and you need to focus on yourself and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that
Maybe for today you can take alittle comfort in just acknowledging that you are doing the best you can right now and that walked away from a situation that could have escalated if you hadn't?
Tolerable - I like that. I hope your day is tolerable too 💙
@mytwistedsoul
You reaching out is a good thing. It lets ppl know they aren't alone. PTSD is isolating. I am relaxing at my son's , I like it here it's so quiet. Their dog is a comfort too. They work so I'm not disrupting their day. I haven't worked since spring of 2020. I do have an income which helps but everything costs so much it's awful. I know alot of ppl struggle with $$. The bible says $$ is the root of all evil. I can't disagree.
My ability to handle stress is so low, anything can send me off the cliff edge.
I need to spend more time at my son's to decompress. My partner has his own stuff from a bad childhood. His dad was an alcoholic. Funny how trauma finds trauma but hey it's what is familiar right!?
It's freezing here but thankfully the sun's out!
ABB💜
@amiableBlackberry92 I'm glad you're spending the day relaxing! It's good to have days like that and with a dog too! Awesome! They make really nice companions to relax with :) Even if they weren't at work - I doubt you would be disrupting their day
I can definitely agree with the Bible quote! It's crazy how expensive everything is now!
Wow - I think trauma finds trauma because maybe we can relate to one another? Idk. Like you said - it's familiar and there's comfort in what familiar
OMG - it's freezing here too and the sun is kind of shining - but it seems deceitful to have sunshine and it being so cold out
