How "Safety" can Activate Trauma Response in People with CPTSD

I recently created a Transforming Trauma Growth Path on 7cups and I got a little more into detail on this, but I wanted to created a post about this specific part of it because it's something I'm experiencing personally. I’m going to share some of my experience, but it’s not support seeking, it’s to give context as to why this response is kicking in, and an invitation for others to share how they can relate.

When we are so used to Trauma, safety/abstinence from self-destructive behaviors doesn't always feel safe. When we are so used to trauma our brain sees the calm, the safety as a threat because calm and safety is often followed by something bad. We feel like we can't let our guard down.

This often creates a cycle in many people with complex trauma specifically, where it's hard to break free. Since our nervous system sees safety as a threat our trauma responses kick in. The anxiety may pick up, we may find ourselves fearful of worse case scenario, we may push people away and be tempted to engage in self-destructive behaviors. This is not our fault. This is our nervous system trying to protect us.

So my example is that I've been homeless because of circumstances outside of my control with zero help from friends and "family”. I spent 2017-2020 couch surfing and in and out of mental health facilities because I’d start panicking when I didn’t know where I was going to be sleeping or eating my next meal and didn’t know where to turn. During that time my parents had even turned their back on me. In 2020 I got my own apartment again finally and it was amazing. I didn’t really have a lot the fear of losing it like I do now.

In 2021 I moved to a group home in another state (I needed to get away from family). The idea was rent was $300 cheaper and there would be mental health support and a sense of community in a new city. My therapist and I planned the move for months.

I was there for about 3 months (until Jan 2022) and then people in the house complained about me being “messy” I have DID and ADHD, sometimes I forget where I put things, and they were tired of me leaving stuff around. When I was a kid my life was literally threatened by my dad for “not picking up after myself”. Being confronted started a huge trauma spiral for me and I ended up getting kicked out and had to stay in a shelter because I had no friends or family able to help me.

Luckily I had a stable job at that point and was able to move into a house with roommates the following month and so it wasn’t long lived, but it took over a month for me to unpack because I was afraid that my roommates were going to get sick of me too and I’d have to move again.

About 2 weeks after I FINALLY unpacked I got COVID and while I was in the hospital, the roommate offering the lease told me she wanted me to move by the end of the month. So, as soon as I was out of the hospital and my quarantine was over, I began looking for an apartment (without roommates this time). About 2 weeks later I moved into the apartment i now live in, but the moving process was awful. I had just gotten over COVID, ended up with a blood clot in my lung, and had bronchitis, but no one to help me move.

But I had my own place, so I was safe! Until about 3 weeks later my work forced me on administrative leave. The circumstances around the administrative leave was discrimination. I was off work for 2 weeks, initially without pay, but I was able to get them to pay me because I COULD NOT be homeless AGAIN.

I ended up spiraling into a really bad mental health crisis and lost my job completely a few months later. I had to apply for rental assistance to keep my apartment and was almost evicted twice since losing the job because of the income loss.

So now, I recently started a new job that finally pays me enough to pay rent again (it’s been 6 months since I’ve made enough to pay rent on my own.

Because of what happened at my previous job and being homeless, and having a job is my only way of not being homeless, my trauma symptoms are awful right now. My system (I have DID) does not trust my new job, I feel extremely exhausted and burnt out (already), I am having nightmares, and extreme anxiety, and on the worst nights urges for self-destructive behaviors kick in and I have to fight them really hard because I’ve worked so hard to keep my apartment and this job is important to me.

While some of my trauma symptoms are more agitated than I’d like I’m also doing a really good job at regulating my nervous system even though I’m TERRIFIED I’m going to lose this job and end up homeless again. My biggest fear.

Can you think of ways your trauma response gets “worse” when you’re safe or when good things are happening?