How do I get rid of the guilt?
When I turned 13 I was sexually abused by my older step-brother. Me and him had been close for two years, and thought he was the big brother I always wanted. I used to stay nights in his room and we would talk all night. I felt I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me, which helped with some other stuff I was going through. A little after my 13th birthday he asked me if he could touch me. Me being confused, and not knowing what to do. Told him no. I had trusted him for two years and trusted him with all of my secrets. Plus I was just becoming a teenager, so of course I'd be confused, and scared. But even with what he asked I still did not run, because I still trusted him. I didn't let him touch me. But he would try to manipulate me, using my trust for him as a weapon against me. I didn't tell anyone after he stopped because I wanted it to be over with, and didn't want things to change. I waited 8 months to tell someone and he was immediately arrested.
I feel guilty because I waited to tell for so long. I'm afraid he did it to someone else and they didn't say no like I did. I'm also angry with myself for trusting him, and not telling right away. And I'm angry at him because he betrayed my trust. (I later found out he lied to authorities, trying to pin the blame on me.)
(I also found out he had been molding <I think that's the term?> me for a year before he asked.)
How do I let go of these feelings?
@AdventurousAddi4597,
Hey there, I hear you. I understand why you feel guilty that you didn't stop it earlier. What you faced is always followed by immense shock and confusion. All of us irrespective of our age find it hard to wrap our heads around what happened . And you being in your teenage would have made it more difficult for you. I am so sorry you had to go through it absolutely alone for 8 months. You deserved so much more!
While there is no valid reason for you to feel guilty or ashamed. It's completely natural. Many people who had similar experiences, bring it upon themselves for not stopping it beforehand. For keeping quiet. Such thoughts manipulate and makes one belive that they it was there fault. The possibility that he might have harmed others while you were getting out of the faze , might make you more guilty of your silence. However, if he has committed another crime like this while he was putting you through it, then it's on him. He did it.
Did you allow him ? Absolutely not. He didn't ask your permission to do it ( if he did anything to anyone else , that is )
Did he get more time to, keep doing wrong things while you didn't know how to shared about it?
Yes.
Is it your fault that you he got a few more months out of jail ?
No. Majority, almost everyone who faced child sexual assaults CSA or attempts of CSA tries to forget something like that ever happened and try to move on with life . While it sets the culprits a little free for a while, they do it to cope with what happened to them. What you did was your attempt to live like before. It's not your fault that you are trying to feel peaceful after what happened , is it ? No one will blame you for your silence. None of us can act rational immediately after such incidents. your silence doesn't make you guilty of anything, it only confirms the fact that you are a human and not a robot.
I understand that it's hard not to feel guilty, but please know that there is no fault you have committed for which you should feel guilty. You may not be able to act upon or even accept the fact right now. But simply acknowledging it will help you make it more manageable
I don't know if it's called molding either. But I get what you meant. And its disheartening to know that the person you trusted so much had been betraying your trust from the start . And putting the blame on you was an expected move to get himself out of the trouble. Too bad, he should have thought before.
I am so proud that you reached out and opened up about what the said person did. Not many could do that. And people who do , takes years to do so. Those people also owns my utmost respect for simply surviving what life threw at them. Because it's damn hard! But what you did is so commendable, I hope you know how strong and wonderful you are.
Senting lots of love courage strength cookies and hugs ( if okay )
Hi, thank you for your support. I just felt I needed to get the story out there. He's not the only one that's hurt me, but he's one of the major ones. Thank you for your kindness and support and I hope you have a great day.
@AdventurousAddi4597,
I am happy that you could get it off your chest here! That's very relieving. Hope you can have a great day too. It's sad to know there are more people who had hurt you. Some fellow who told life isn't always fair , was definitely wise. I hope you get the support your awesome self deserves .
Thank you!😁
