I’m lost

Hey everyone, before anything thank you for taking the time to read this book of a text, it really means a lot. Throughout my entire life I’ve lived with insecurity and while I really don’t want to blame my mother for it, it just seems like my “inner me” can’t avoid really avoid it. When my mother was young, her father was kidnapped, she was roughly 15 and thankfully he made it out after just a week or two, but ever since, she’s had this trauma develop where she would overprotect from pretty much anything. Ever since I was a child, I grew up shy because my mother was afraid of letting me go to any friend “parties of the time”. I remember she’d even fake coughing if I went to the cinema bathroom by myself because she thought “anybody who wanted to hurt me would know she was there (I was around 14 by this time). This made it extremely hard for me to trust myself, but as middle school went on, I just kind of didn’t know how to and ended up screwing up a lot (which just kind of added to my insecurities). I also remember that before middle school I had never had any deal with food, I could just crave on this absolutely ridiculous but amazing foot-sized quesadillas and somehow still manage to stay fit 😂 (as I was quite active at the time), but then one day I recall she started replacing everything there was at my home with diet alternatives (like Splenda, etc.), I asked her why and she started coming with health explanations that overtime would come up to be an obsession that’d turn into anorexia for me. A nutritionist was able to save me, but I swear to you, it was just because I was in the real brink of starving that I trusted her (even despite me being fortunate enough to have pretty much unlimited access to food). It was on high school that I really said to myself I wanted to turn things around, and so I distanced from her as much as I could, I swear I’d crank up the volume in my headphones, just listening to anything loud enough not to hear her and avoid as much of her as I could. I turned out, while I had some hiccups, high-school were actually some of the best years of my life, but I had to basically do constant “mental rituals” as I was afraid I could be unconsciously re-learning or learning new obsessions that I didn’t want from her. I’m now in college (living with my parents) and the pandemic has pretty much killed most social contact I could have. ITS DRIVING ME INSANE. Mostly because when I had to these “mental rituals” so often before, I’d just get tired and kind of relieve my anxiety by actually exposing myself to talking to others on purpose, but now, there’s no reassurance for me “I’m not turning into her”. She frankly doesn’t seem to care and continuous to be honestly “unnice” to others and have traumas. I’m so afraid of losing myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought I could handle, but it’s been over a year and I swear just a few days ago I was in the brink of suicide. Does anybody maybe have some advice on this? Thank you so much for your time again, truthfully.