Is this PTSD or even trauma, or am i overthinking?

Hello, I have been trying to get myself to heal. I suppose trying to figure out exactly what I am healing from could ease the process? "If we cant acknowledge what happened how can we ever move forward" one line from my fav song, and I suppose its true, like a lot of tbe stuff in the song. The song its Dramaturgy by E ve

Off topic, anyways, Ive always been trying to write this down but could never get it right. I guess beginnings are a good place to start. Warning this might get long, possibly triggering

I am now 17. My parents do not have a healthy relationship. My father was 10 years older than my mother, who was married off to him at 19 years old. She had me a year later. Most of my childhood, for better or worse, is locked, I cannot remember. I do remember some key events. Mostly them fighting. Well, not sure if you could even call it a fight. See, my dad, according to my mom at least, wasnt really raised right. A man child who cannot control his anger and throws temper tantrums over small things. He gets loud... So loud it hurts so much. My earliest memory of this is 5 or 6, where he was mad at her for weeks. This continued over the years. Lunch served 5 minutes late? "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?!" An hour and several indian curses later, he decides to refuse to eat for 2 days. Most of them goes like this. For pretty much all my life, everything revolved around his emotions. Being around him was like walking on eggshells. I remember even at 7 or 8, he would scream at me for not liking foods because it was "religious". And whatever mistake I made, he'd scream at my mom for not raising me right. See, he worked a lot and travelled, so we onlh saw him on weekends usually. I both hate him for that and am thankful for that. Hate him because he would never really raise us, just yell at my mom to raise us. Thankful because if he was home more, he would just get more mad. He is a very religous man, so thats the main thing he would teach us. Most of what I remember is him telling us that God could kill us any day, so worship as much as you can. He would drive that point into our skulls since I was old enough to understand what death was. He would also tell us that if we cried or ever complained, God would take away my parents from me. I dont understand why I was so worried about that at the time. I suppose I thought my family was absolutely perfect.

Perhaps the one I keep trying to forget, is the worst. 2 years ago, we were packing for a trip, and yknow packing suitcaes in the hall makes a bit of a mess right? My dad comes out of his office after doing some work. Takes one look at the mess. Starts screaming. And i am a horrible person, a selfish hprrible weak person i am the oldest sibling should have done something horriblw person I hid in the pantry. All I remember is the noise, him yelling at her, hearinf things being knocked over. I think a slap or 2. I remember fear. For me. So dam selfish all I cared about is what if I was next. He called all my siblings. Yelled at us. All I remember is the noise, the way the sunlight hit the ground, the itchiness in my feet, me feeling weak. Eventually it stopped, he left. He yelled at us agaon that night, for being horrible, weak people, and that we werent happy enough. And then the next day we went on the trip

My mother, she tried her best to cope with him. I became sort of her listener. That is when this, ability of some sort came into play. People, for reasons I cannot fathom, love to tell me and complain about things. Whatever makes them happy I suppose. Even she now is confused why she told me that. Another thing about my father. No romance ever allowed in the house? Brief kiss *** NO. Literally any show with any sort of romance aspect? Absolutely not. Even now at 17, nope. But apparently its okah in Indian movies? Hes a hypocrite. Anyways, when I was 4 apparently and my moms sister (Aani) just got married, she and her husband were lovey dovey yknow, newlywedz? And so she toom a photo of them both with her... Resting her head on hjs shpulder *GASP* HOW SCANDALOUS AND INAPPROPRIATE. They got yelled at, and my dad pressured my mother for months to cut off contact with her own sister. Severalother stories similar. I remember when I got a bit older, 8 or o when I realized this family is far from perfect, and after my dad threw another fit at my mom nd left the house, which left her particularly rattled sobbinf on the couch, I asked her why she married him, why hasnt she left him. Apparently she thought he was a good man at one point. Her mom however didnt like him. Now she stayed with him, because she thinks if she puts up with him, God will grant her a higher place in heaven or some bull. Also Indian and Islamic combined stigma of divorce. She had a degree she used to be a teacher for a year before she was married. Its not like she wouldnt be able to. She claimed it was to give us the best life with luxuries. I dont think it was worth it, I would give all of our bull expensive trips, gaming consoles, big houses, if it meant havinf a different dad, or not one altogether. My mom ended up hiding most of her interests from him. She loves K dramas, especially the romance ones. I think she likes to fantasize while watxhing them, that she could be the one to fall in love. She hides things about me and my siblings from my dad. Sometimes I feel more like the parent than him. Me and my mom usually discuss how to raise my siblings, and how to hide stuff from my dad. Since I was a kid I was taught how to lie to him, steal his phone while he was asleep, so that he doesnt wake up. I know it was to protect myself... But I wish she dodnt teach me. I wish I wasnt suxh a dam good liar , a good thief... A good manipupator. I was mostly the one helping carry her burdens since I was a kid. She never really taught me how to manage emotions and anger. She just made me promise Id never be like my dad

I have a sibling 2 years younger. I think we were close at one point? Like I said, I cant remember. We never really tall about this. We sort of just deal with it on our own. Sometimes I wish I could, but hes so shut off from our family. I suppose I am to, but at least I pretend to connect with them.

I also have a little sister and a baby brother. Some of the ways she raises them concerns me. She probably raised me the same way but I cant remember. She would lock them in a dark room like a closet until they stopped crying, or slap them. I do remember getting slapped a lot by her because I wasnt smart enough to memorize a religious book, or because I read too slow.

I guess the worst part about all this? My dad never apologizes for his outbursts. After he calms down, we never acknowledge it again. We are expected to simply move on, as if nothing happened. All he wants is a happy family, and he cant deal with blame, so he blames it on everyone around him. It doesnt matter, as long as he sees a happy family. Hes so dam hypocritical. If he makes a mistake its nothing, but if we do, we are horrible weakminded people

But wait theres more !

On July 5th, I attempted to take my own life due to my schizophrenic delusions. In my suicide note, I talked about some of this stuff. When I wake up in the hospital, after 3 days kd blacked out and delirium, I confronted my dad about fighting with mom. He said what he did with mom shouldnt be any of our business, shouldnt affect us. After the attempt... I lost everything dear to me. I split apart my friend group, my only group of friends i have ever had the closest thing to an actual family, and they dont really want ti talk to me anymore. My bestest friend, now leaves me on read whenever I try to check up on them. I remember her telling me that she might be awkward around me for a bit... But i didnt expect it to be like this. On top of that, my partner, we were in a long distancd relationship ghosted me. My parents took away my cat because they thought me spending too much time in my room with my cat was the reason for all this( my dads afraid of cats so she stayed in my room. He yells at us about that too, even though it was him who agreed to getting the cat. He had every xhance to try and get over his fear, we had her for years). It was while I was in the psych ward, i didnt even get to say a dam goodbyw

I lost my partner and my cat, the only 2 I ever truly loved, and loved me back. My friends are gone. I am left with this broken family

Ihave noticed the effects these evnts have had on me. It is extraordinaroly difficult for me to connect woth ppl. I fear loud yelling and dissociate whenever I hear ir, as well as in large crowds. I wear several identities for different groups of people, one for family, one for one group, one for religious groups. Ive never trulh had a chance to be myself. I often shut out the world with music and drawing. I grow unhealthilyobsessed with stories, and fantasies. I try to escape reality every time possible. I have a general fear of men, especially adult men and fathers. I bottle up my emotions to avoid becominf like my dad, I never get angry or raise my voice, I havent cried in years, or screamed from fear. I often have traumatic flashbacks, and sensory overloads Probably more stuff that I haven't connected the dots about yet