It is so hard to explain and it always feels like I'm exaggerating

I grew up with alot of abuse and it was fucked up.

I don't give a shit about that anymore,spent a really long time healing and most days I feel good. Life is good,most of the time

But on days like today, it is hard. I am a fully functioning person ,most days but then BAM,seemingly out of nowhere here I am and I cannot function at all.

Cannot find what triggers it,it just happens sporadically. My mind feels like it's blank and my body hurts all over and I'm there but I'm not really there.

I can go months without it happening but when it does I struggle with just about everything. The longest it's lasted has been 3 to 4 months-well when you take my teens out of the equation (it was a pretty much constant state as a teen).

I've gone to doctors and psychologists and the best one I've ever found was like you know what,you have been through alot of stuff and it sounds like your mind just takes a rest every now and again. That made me feel understood and slightly better but it's the coping with it that's hard.

I drink alot around these times, just to quiet the urges to self harm.

It all just makes me feel so alone and fucked up and tired. Hahaha poor me.......I hate when I start feeling so self pitiful and poor me bullshit. Shit happens,life is tough, I just wish my brain could get over it and stop leaving me feeling stranded every now and again.